4 Weeks Pre-Transplant Official “Yes” Mindspace

I am so bored… my mood was alright until the past few days.  Maybe it was because of my last therapy session where we talked about death, and a part of me just felt kinda bummed.  What if I die?  That’s just the end… and I really wish I could do so much more before my time is up.  I’m also so sad at the thought of leaving my family.  But these thoughts aren’t very helpful since they’re out of my hands.  It also could be that everything goes well and all this worrying was for nothing. Despite my hanging on to the success stories, there are so many people, young people my age who have passed away either through an unsuccessful surgery or after a year or two.

How to stay motivated and productive? IDK. I am actually tired of Mario Kart now since I play religiously for a couple hours everyday, and I am also getting road rage at Waluigi and other characters.  I’ve started trying some cooking recipes this week, but none of them made me that happy because it wasn’t super successful or delicious.  I have this weird thing lately where I keep trying to fill a void by trying new things and getting really excited, but then being like “oh that was just ok” after.  For example, the recipes, and ordering a bunch of korean instant noodles, and now looking at clothes and I want to buy everything, but I know I don’t NEED some of these items.

I have dealt with a few minor insurance things this week, and then wondering what to get my brother for his birthday.  It’s tough!  Hard to know what he would actually like or find useful.    I also finally measured my body parts so I know exactly what kind of clothes would fit me well.  I also contacted a couple apartments in Philly to get some information on the places we could stay at post-transplant recovery.

I’ve been continuously working on lessening my impact on the environment.  Steps I’ve taken the past year and recently:

1.  Dropps – eco-friendly laundry detergent.  I can’t really tell the difference in the usage of it, but I only bought a sample pack so far.  It comes shipped in a brown cardboard box and dissolvable plastic.
2. Hydroflasks + Swell – Reusable, High Quality Water Bottles for my family and me.  No more plastic bottles unless emergency use
3. Reusable Grocery Bags – we got some wegman bags, but 50% of the time we forget to bring them or use them when we go grocery shopping.  Still in progress.
4. Metal + Bamboo Straws – either reusing plastic straws that we have at home, refusing plastic when we go out to eat, and buying reusable straws instead
5. Everlane – clothes that are eco-friendly and also ethical.

Now my internet knows I’m interested in these types of things and I keep getting ads, which I don’t entirely mind.

It’s now Friday late at night, and I feel a bit better (I started this post at the beginning of the day).  Tomorrow my dad and I are going to bake and maybe go grocery shopping for a little bit.  In a sense, my dad is my best friend and the most comfortable person to be around, and he always does things for me with endless patience and tolerates my tempers.  In regards to the therapy session about death, I have decided to buy each of my family members and maybe friends a special gift, one that they will always associate with me.  It doesn’t have to be anything extremely unique or fancy, but something we had talked about or whatever.  I have decided to buy my mom a pair of earrings, because we have talked about it forever, and I want the design to be special from her other earrings, so I looked on Etsy.  I don’t know what to do about everyone else yet, but I have time.

Claire Wineland died at 21 years old after a lung transplant.  But she is my hugest inspiration and role model, because she achieved more and looked on life in a positive perspective that most people who have lived far longer will never manage or appreciate.  Time is truly short, and with that, she always enjoyed her time with her family and friends, did what she loved, started a foundation, gave uplifting speeches, and became an adviser for a movie (“Five Feet Apart”).  Like, damn girl.  And she managed to stay beautiful in every possible way.

While I’ve gone through a bum wave, I am now thinking again about what it would be like to walk more than a couple minutes and not be exhausted, to spend time hanging out with a group of friends and not have to recover the next day, to be able to explore and travel, in the cold and in the heat, walk up a slight incline or stairs and not be out of breath, holy fuck, I think the truth is everyone else is living the life of a superhero, but most people are oblivious to the miracle that they are and all that untapped potential.  The body and mind is made up of a million mini functions and organs that work together to keep you alive every second of every day.  To have zero issues in any of those departments is indeed, a walking miracle and the ultimate blessing.

What life has thrown at me, most of us will experience eventually, just I am going through it earlier and more intensely.  When faced with greater pressure and intensity, one can also manipulate the sour lemons into greater perseverance and make something bigger out of it.  I’m not sure exactly what that is yet, but I want to discover it.  Most of us are more alike than we realize; we can feel self-conscious, worry about what others think, and that can manifest itself in anything from using a wheelchair to having a pimple.  I guess in that sense, it calms me down to know that I am not that different after all, and definitely not that alone.

 

Giving and Receiving Gifts

When you don’t know someone, it’s really hard to buy a good gift for them.  Usually, if I don’t know what to get someone, I’d rather not waste their space or my money, but if I know for a fact, or at least over 50% chance they’ll use it or like it somehow, I feel much more satisfied splurging a little.   I have no problem either with people giving me really nice or expensive gifts alternating years instead of 2-4 cheap, useless items, so that’s my philosophy on gift giving and receiving.

There’s a lot in my life that I don’t feel great about, but I do feel blessed about the wonderful and amazing gifts I’ve gotten from people, with some of them just 100% great, squeezing that usage out of every bit of that tall price.  Sometimes, they’re gifts to myself xD  But one of the most annoying feelings is splurging on something, and realizing it’s only half effective, or it breaks right away.

Sometimes they’re perfect gifts because of how useful they are, but other times they’re perfect because it’s tailor made to that individual’s needs or wants or style.

Some of the stuff I’ve gotten or given that has been A+ satisfactory and #worthit is:

Daniel Wellington watch (broken by my dog though)

Amazon Kindle (haven’t used it much recently though)

Nintendo Switch 

MacAir 

Samsung Galaxy S7 phone

Bose headphones (both times, first one lasted me 5-6 years with daily usage)

“Becoming” by Michelle Obama (usually hate keeping books, but I want to keep this one)

S’well / Hydroflask water bottles 

Helly Hansen base layer jogging shirt 

Earrings (really beautiful pair was for mother from my dad and me, looks perfect on her)

Soma Intimate bras 

Nordstrom tops/dresses 

Taiwan glasses

RavPower phone chargers

Of course, there have been many a regrettable buy as well… the time I spent $80 to add on a dvd player to my macair, and it broke within 2 years… the time I ordered a $50 dress and it was too big and I couldn’t return it… all the random jewelry I got over the years that I don’t really like but keep anyway…

It’s easy to overlook all the nice things I’ve had or given over the span of 26 years, but this is my list, and I do feel lucky looking at the nicest things I’ve ever got to own!  🙂

PS 1. And of course, not to mention, my parents try their best to support my incredibly expensive healthcare needs, which is probably the best gift I could get.  Spending money to rent portable oxygen on flights, to book a cleaner, newer hotel, my daily medications, my oxygen tank at home now, and all random other crap like a heater, humidifier, air filter, nebulizer, doctor appointments, = $$$$$.  @_@ Insurance is definitely something everybody needs, no matter what.  You don’t want to get stuck with a $60,000 hospital stay with no one negotiating the cost down for you.  sigh.

PS 2. Since this post is a bit about consumerism, besides buying reusable metal straws and using refillable water bottles, I also want to start buying from sustainable, ethically sourced clothes brands.  Also,  Quality over Quantity!!

 

Food for Thought (Literally)

Throughout the years, I’ve been exposed to a lot of things I’ve grown to care about and follow closely.  I used to live in my own bubble, and my life mostly consisted of my parents, my piano, my books, and the internet, most of which I used to casually stalk other people on facebook, and watch korean dramas.  During my high school years was when I started to pay attention to movies and film music and start a notebook.  But it wasn’t until college that I ventured out of my bubble,  became friends with gay people, started reading up on news and politics, and discovered through experience how wrong it was to assume people thought, felt, or processed things the same way I did.  I made friends, drifted apart from friends, and learned how it was normal for shitty things to happen, but that it was still important regardless to retain my empathy and sensitivity in a healthy amount. I’m proud that I’ve decreased my level of ignorance, even though I’m sure there are still tons of things out there I’m not aware of.

And now it’s come to the chapter of post-graduation life.  In the three years since college, I’ve continued to grow by becoming more aware of myself as a person as well as building on my understanding of different issues globally.

1.  I’ve struggled with my one-foot-in-one-foot-out stance on Christianity
2.  One of my passions have become following the representation of Asian-Americans across the spectrum of different things, particularly media (shout-out to BTS and Awkwafina in particular this week!)
3. I’m really disappointed in the Kavanaugh-Ford result this week, and find it harder to have faith in our government in general.  I also need to read up on what the current election situation is.
4.  I’m now a partial-vegetarian:  I’ve been such for about 2-3 months now. I consciously avoid beef/cow and pig/pork now.  I don’t buy it, and if there were other food options I would choose the alternate food option.  The only time I still eat it is if for example, my mom made pork soup and it’s already been prepared, or if I’m at a friend’s house and it’s rude to refuse.  The reason being, from a moral perspective I’m not sure I could kill a cow or pig unless I had no choice, especially being aware that a pig is smarter than a dog, and dogs are so wonderful and intuitive.  I think I’d be okay killing a chicken or seafood though, so I still eat those.  I also understand why people consume meat, but the food should be treated with respect.  My mom used to lecture me on starving kids in Africa and never to waste food.  It gave me a lot of pressure especially since I had eating problems as a kid, but as an adult, I fully understand what she was getting at.  From my perspective, eat it if you want, but don’t just eat a bite and throw it away nonchalantly.  This is particularly for meat, because an animal did have to be sacrificed for you to fill your stomach.  And because the meat industry is so industrialized, we don’t think about this when we purchase a slab of steak at the supermarket.  That’s really upsetting to me.
5. Related, but Americans in particular are so wasteful, and our environment is in danger.  We’re all conscious now about global warming and entire ecosystems being tainted with pollution, and polar bears drowning or starving because of us.  I know the problems are so convoluted and big that I can’t change things alone, but I’d like to rid myself of the guilt of adding to the problems.  So some changes I’ve made are to always use my refillable water bottle, and I haven’t touched a plastic bottle in the past 3 months or so.  I’ve been nagging my parents to do the same, which is ironic since my mom used to be the one to nag us.  It’s really easy to grab a plastic water bottle on the go, but in my opinion, those are there for exceptions, such as emergencies, or for a guest in need.  You don’t need a plastic bottle to use at home.  I also have been trying to put leftovers in containers so we use less plastic wrap.  We have a semi-compost situation where we throw our rotted vegetables and egg shells in a separate bin.  My next step is to buy a refillable bubble tea container, or at least a silicone or glass straw.
6. I need to organize my clothes and Marie Kondo the old clothes that do nothing for me.
7. Some mistakes have happened at work this past week, but not even knowing if those mistakes came from me or something else made me realize I needed to have a talk with my boss about receiving additional training.  I needed to understand from a holistic perspective about the company, and he wholeheartedly agreed and supported my thoughts.  My co-workers encouraged me to stand up for myself and have that discussion, so I feel grateful and proud of myself for again, venturing out of my comfort zone.

I guess life consists a lot about making choices that you’re comfortable with.  I can’t keep focusing on upsetting thoughts like where my potential life could be at if I wasn’t held back by my illness.  Even though there are an infinite amount of things happening around me that are terrible, I feel a bit better in the knowledge that I am trying my best to do my part to make a difference, even if it’s just a tiny bit.  At least I can live with myself, knowing I have no regrets, that I don’t have guilt in my hypocrisy, and that I continue to push through, admit to my mistakes and grow.  That’s what’s most important to me these days.