I often find it difficult to understand how people have that kind of faith in God or a bigger picture. I want to make sure I try to obtain that kind of peaceful acceptance in my heart, without stopping to fight for the way I want to live, my right to be who I want to be and who I am, and becoming complacent by giving it up to fate or that it’s “out of my hands” and “God’s will.”
I think the people in this world who are angry, hurt, and who struggle with depression and anxiety, see all the misery that is the world’s suffering, and we feel it more deeply, to a point where it is near unbearable levels. That’s some of us fall prey to alcohol and drugs, anything at all to numb the pain, even if it ends in self destruction.
This week, I’ve started my four-day lung transplant evaluation tests at UPenn. I’m 24 years old, and I’m somehow simultaneously used to but also feeling misplaced standing in the waiting room with the other 60+ year olds. I was wheeled in a wheelchair for a 6 min walk test, and one of the technicians said to me, “You’re too young to be here.” I just laugh it off and say it’s okay, I’m basically an old person.
I don’t fit in with peers in my age group. I don’t know how to at least pretend I fit in, and chuckle lightheartedly at moments in life like just silly things with friends. I might as well be socially the same as a hermit in the mountains, with a long beard in a dark stone cave. I have to relearn it each time I try to really interact with civilization again. I’m awkward. No denying it haha.
Instead of wallowing and focusing on how pitiful I am in everything I’m going through/about to go through, I’m trying to focus on the positive: my inner strength, the inner strength of every journey and experience that’s made me who I am today. My Asian heritage, I am an example of what immigrants go through, what it’s like to grow up and live in America. My struggles and experiences as a woman, my eyes have opened up to the inequality and the things that are really not okay. From how guys sometimes treat me, from the subtle to the obvious. Being manipulated, getting hit on sexually, or finding out that a guy hooked up with your friend while pretending to go after you while you were ill. All of that shit. All of it. #metoo. I feel the weight of it all right now. But I’m still standing here, because I’m empowered by the strength of the people around me. We’re in this together, we’re fighters, and that’s what life is about too.
I have to find the strength to endure it all, and keep trying anyway, despite constant setbacks and constant misunderstandings and judgment by people who are blinded by their privilege. I need to overcome my own judgment of me. And I want them to want to be better versions of themselves, because I see the potential. If I didn’t, I would have given up on myself a long time ago.