A Lookback of 2018

A Year in the Life of Jasmine

Today, my friend asked me what I thought of 2018.  It’s interesting, because all I was thinking of was that Christmas was coming soon, and I needed gifts for certain people, but I forgot that it also meant we were approaching 2019, and every year, I’m not ready for it.

I couldn’t really think of anything on the spot to answer her besides ramble about my job, so I looked at my calendar.  Here are some of the main points in summary:

  1.  I spent most of last winter at home to protect my body, and I put myself through hours of SQL and R coursework everyday; it was discipline, but I’m glad at this point now that I paid for that Datacamp subscription and made the most out of it.
  2. Went to Harry Potter World with my family, which was one of the biggest destinations on my bucket list, so I was really happy with this vacation.
  3. April was when I tentatively started applying to jobs to really dig down on what I could qualify for.
  4. I had still been sort of going to fellowship at the time.
  5. When the lung transplant team had me go to see an infectious disease doctor at UPenn and finally drummed down on my antibiotics, and I began my daily courses of medication.
  6. I went on those few dates and actually made a genuine attempt to enjoy myself since my last and only relationship ever.
  7. Checked out SOJO Spa, a lesser to-do item on my bucket list
  8. Interviewed end of May for my current position, and got it.
  9. Was still regularly going to gym/therapy 
  10. Got my first gynecology appointment out of the way, was hella scary
  11. Mom went to Dubai, parents went to Peru, and my mom celebrated her 60th birthday in Taiwan, plus New Zealand- it’s a good year for her
  12. A couple friends got engaged
  13. Went to Princeton UXPA lecture to hear Google UX/UI director speak
  14. Am picking up skills in Excel
  15. Moonchi and Logan are both one years old ^_^
  16. Unfortunately, Trump is still a POS, but it’s one year less we gotta put up with that
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Hibernation Season…

I’m sleeping too late these days.  But I find that this hour is usually the time I am most collected in my thoughts.

I was flipping through Time magazine because my friend didn’t want hers anymore, and there were some great recommendations for podcasts, books, and movies that I jotted down.  I read “Baracoon:  The Story of the Last ‘Black Cargo'” in one night because it was so addictive and startling in the first person recounting of the last apparent black slave to cross the ocean into America.  In his life, an individual not beating him meant he was a “good person”.  That was his life.  And as if watching his entire village murdered or enslaved, and then suffering discrimination and cruelty at the hands of people in a strange foreign land wasn’t enough, all 6 of his children died before him.  Thankfully, one of his sons left him some grandchildren so he wasn’t absolutely left alone.

The next book I’m reading is “The Sympathizer” by Viet Thanh Nguyen, which won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction.  Both of these books I’d heard awhile back, but just never got around to.


Four updates:

  • my favorite co-workers got shifted across the room at work, so I’m pretty much left alone now in my cubicle, and it definitely feels more lonely now.
  • this week at work, there are raffle tickets, 5 distributed to each employee. Assuming there are around 300-400 employees and about 12 really great prizes to win (worth around $50-300 each), I suppose I have a 3% chance of winning one of them, and I can raise that a percent or two by donating some canned goods and increasing it to ideally 6%, although that number isn’t true since some will also be donating, others not.  We also don’t know who submitted how many raffle tickets in each prize box.  I rarely ever win anything, so I’d be ecstatic if I won $100 or either of the computers worth around $200+ each.
  • on both a plus and a minus side, most of my Black Friday purchases didn’t work out- either not quite comfortable (winter boots), or just not the right size.  The hair straightener seems pretty ineffective too.   I will say though, that the portable powerbank chargers are incredible buys, and I will be saving money on that mini splurge I did.  I have my brother and dad’s Christmas gifts down, but I’m still wondering what to get my bestie and my mom…
  • I learned how to do VLOOKUP in Excel on my own today, and I felt so accomplished LOL.  It didn’t make sense when my co-worker was trying to explain it to me, but once you actually understand what the formula is and what each step is, it’s quite easy. It feels satisfying to learn a new thing.  All the frustration and struggling makes it that much more worth it when you finally comprehend how it functions.

The End of 4-Day Thanksgiving 2018

Dang – you know what’s weird?  a 4-day weekend where I simultaneously loved not going to work, but also wanted to go back to it.  Being at home for too long is never a good thing, it gives me too much time to brood over things out of my control.  I’m excited to go back to work tomorrow so I have something to do besides be moody at home.

I felt quite unwell Wednesday night, and went to bed with a splitting headache and nausea so I ended up taking a Tylenol.  The next day, I still felt off but not in a fever sort of way, just nausea and feeling off.  It was also feeling like 5 degrees that day.  Thankfully, by evening my family and I were able to traipse over to my neighbor’s house, which is sort of becoming a tradition every year for the past 3 years.  We are very lucky to have such a strong bond with our next door neighbor, for my brother and his friend, and particularly for the friendship that has formed between me and my bestie over the span of 20 years now.  We went from playing on our swing sets in the summer time to climbing trees and making up really dumb stories.  We created our own imaginary obstacle courses, and it’s easy to forget now, but I was on a portable oxygen tank up until I was about 8 or 9 years old, which meant that she had for about the first two years she would have had to carry my oxygen tank around so we could play.

Anyway, it was a good time – my brother played poker with his friends, and I played Mario Kart with mine.  The next day, we spent the day indoors as a family day, watching TV and I made pumpkin cookies.  My mom prepped the turkey and we celebrated for dinner.  Saturday was when my mood started to noticeably feel worse.  My mom complained about my gym membership going to waste, and even though I knew she wasn’t trying to upset me, it did bother me.  I was feeling very frustrated at all the health related things affecting my life in various ways, and the fact that I’d had a very shitty, cold week and had lessened my ability to go to the gym more consistently, which I felt  should be common knowledge. My mom wanted to discuss how it didn’t make sense to waste money, which frankly really annoyed me.  What did she expect me to do about it?  She was the one who insisted on signing me up again this year, and even on paying for it this time.  I had tried my best all year to go at least 4 times a month to make it worth it, but I just can’t accomplish it during winter season, especially when each time I leave the house, it feels like I’m prepping to hike up Mt. Everest, and I’m also tired from work.  I had a meltdown, and later my dad and I talked, and he always helps me feel a bit better.  So thankful for my dad.  The family went out shopping and I stayed at home for a bit, planning to go visit my friend as she had gotten knee surgery the day before.

As if feeling shitty emotionally wasn’t enough, as soon as I opened the garage door, my dog bounded outside and recklessly ran down the driveway before I could even get my shoes on.  I ran a bit down the driveway and immediately felt winded and regretful, so I slowed my pace, but she was already across the street and sniffing some other neighbor’s grass.  I was really mad because even as I loudly called her, she completely ignored me, and then freaked me out because a car drove by and she started to chase after the car down the road, about 3-4 houses down.  She almost got ran over, and thankfully, the car stopped, in which she slowed down to sniff another neighbor’s yard.  I saw her heading back towards our house, only to leap on to my neighbor’s house, and I dashed back into the house to grab her squeaky toy, as the word “treat” was not working at all.  When I walked back out, I couldn’t see her anywhere.  As I squeaked, she appeared from the other side of my neighbor’s house and bounded towards me.  I had a pounding headache again, and regretfully, I slapped her behind 3x, hard, and yelled at her.  She looked confused because I’m the only one who never slaps her butt.  I lay on the floor to revive myself a bit, then headed out.  My friends were playing video games again, so I didn’t do much except get her water and eat her pumpkin pie and read Bloomberg.

Today’s Sunday, and my family went into the city to bring my brother back but also move his apartment things.  I couldn’t sleep last night and felt quite anxious… I fell asleep at 4am finally, and then after making food, headed to my friend’s house again, which was pretty much a repeat of yesterday.  I came home at dinner time to feed my dog and also eat.  My parents returned late, around 10pm, and they are not speaking to each other so I guess something happened.

Now to the fun stuff – I wanted to take advantage of Black Friday, and it was that time of the year to think on what to gift people.  I spent a mini fortune online shopping, finding things that I have needed for awhile now.

I got things like:

-work pants

-portable powerbank charger

-work top

-hair curler/ straightener

-winter boots

ALMOST bought a dress but unfortunately, my size sold out by the next morning so no bueno.  I got my dad a charger also, not that cheap but it’s a quick charger.

Apocalyptic Winter Snowstorm… before Thanksgiving

Yeah… so forever remember November 15, 2018 as the most insane weather I’ve experienced.  The amount of snowfall wasn’t the most we ever had, however it was definitely one of the most unexpected and terrible drives I’d ever had to do.  I got out of work at 3pm, and didn’t arrive home until a bit past 8:30pm.  Granted, I camped out at a Starbucks for over an hour, but it was still crazy out there.  At first, I was patient and thought it would maybee take two hours, so I tried my best to whack the snow off my car windows although I didn’t do a great job with my umbrella.  I went to my usual gas station in Union to fill up before heading out on the roads, which was a very fortunate move that definitely helped avoid a bad situation turning into worse.  I tried to get more snow off my windows there, and on the local roads I couldn’t see the lines and couldn’t tell if it was one or two lanes.  My car slid around a few times which was terrifying, but again, all the cars inched along carefully.  Before I reached the gas station, I couldn’t see out of my rear window at all,  Once on 78, everyone was again, inching along, and I began to pass by a truck or car on the very side of the highway, diagonal as if it had spun out of control or just headed to the side with their emergency lights on.  I didn’t think too much of it, and kept going.  After about probably an hour, my GPS updated, telling me I could save half an hour if I exited from 36 instead of 33, or my usual 29 to get onto 287.  This update was a huge mistake, and I made an impromptu judgement call to trust Google Maps.

Allison called me while I was on 78, and we both complained about how slow it was and how bad the roads were.  At this point, my phone was still relatively charged, and it was plugged into the car charger, so I didn’t worry too much.  Once I exited 36, the real trouble began.  Stupid me didn’t listen to Allison, and decided to try to make it through Warren, but Warren is hilly, and at this point it began to rain too.  On the main roads, people were continuing to inch along, but then civilization slowly started to disappear as my car followed a few other cars into very local routes into woody neighborhoods.  As I was about to reach a turn there, I knew something was wrong.  A police car with two officers was stationed at the corner, and up ahead, as well as to the left where I wanted to turn, a few cars with their emergency lights blinking were scattered.  A truck included.  We all were stationed there for 10 minutes… 20 minutes… 30 minutes… at this point, I started to panic a little bit.  I was at the turn when an old man with a mustache, probably in his late 60s, came to my side and told me that both road options were uphill, so the cars couldn’t make it up.  The car ahead of me had managed to make it through with some pushes from him and another kind man, and he told me I could try after that car.  However, in the opposite lane where the car had escaped, a huge plow truck was approaching, and then I realized I was stuck in the way, unless I tried to squeeze into the right lane turn, so I did.  After the plow truck was eased through a few minutes later, the old man came to me again and told me I should probably turn around the way I came and try to escape that way, as this hill was icy too.  He helped push my car around, and I drove the way I came, slipping and sliding around, even at around 10 mph or less.  At this point, the panic was really beginning to become apparent that I might not find civilization or get out of the woods for hours.

As I tried to follow my GPS, I went against its directions a couple times as it kept trying to lead me up hills and darker neighborhoods.  But the next best hope I had going had a roads closed sign up, so I had no choice but to make the right turn before it.  I saw more stranded cars just stuck on the side of the roads, and another car that had apparently spiraled into the back of a truck.  Many accidents.  Another turn, and I was in another neighborhood, where a bunch of cars were struggling to make it up hill again.  I quickly made a left turn so I could turn back the way I came, but behind me, a plow truck showed up, and I was stuck behind it.  I realized my phone charger was not outpacing its usage, and I was at about 7%.  I called my dad, almost broke down, and quickly shared my location with him and asked him to help me find a route out that wasn’t uphill or closed.  I felt a sense of helplessness settling in, because I realized I could be stuck here forever where I had no idea where I was, with no phone or GPS to help me, and I would end up cold and lost and dying in this weather and situation.  Again saved by luck, as my phone was down to about 3%, I quickly searched for the nearest Starbucks, and luckily there was one 1.4 miles away, and the plow truck moved out of the way so I could leave.  I was relieved to pull into the Starbucks, where there was warmth, other humans, and some electricity.  At this time, it was around 6:30pm, and I was tired, anxious, thirsty, and desperate to charge my phone and pee.  Thankfully, I had a pretty speedy outlet charger with me, and I sat there and called my dad, and Meaghan talked to me as well, trying to help me figure out a path home.

I rested, bought a drink and asked for hot water, and sat back down where I saw about three other people also sitting around.  Meaghan told me the road that my parents and I had agreed on trying was closed further on, and so I would do best to avoid it and try Route 22 through a safer detour that wasn’t hilly.  I saw on the map that Route 22 was all in red, so that made me nervous too.  Thankfully, there was a chance I could take a route downhill, since it wasn’t uphill I could probably make it and it wasn’t closed off.  I saw a tall black lady walk in, asking the baristas for help and directions to Route 22, so I came up and told her what I knew, and we both chatted for a bit and it helped calm us down.  Soon, one of the Korean girls who had been there before me chatted with us too, and she said her car was a rearwheel and straight up was stranded in the snow; she tried to call a tow truck company but they said they wouldnt get there until 5-6 hours later.  Thankfully, a police car pushed her out the snow and told her to head to a Starbucks to wait it out.

I was worried about trying to head out, but I told myself I’d wait for my phone to charge to at least 70%, and then at about 7:50pm I wished the ladies luck and got into my car.  The roads looked a bit abandoned at this point, ground still frozen looking, my car still sliding around, at one point at another intersection, it wouldn’t let me brake and continued sliding right into the intersection through a stop sign as cars from the right were moving forward.  I really thought this might be the end, and we’d all be in a giant accident, but we were all moving carefully enough that the cars saw me and slowed down even more.  A few times, my car almost didn’t budge, which was also terrifying.

I finally got onto morning glory road, which was a pretty steep downhill on the mountain, but thankfully there weren’t many cars besides another stranded car, and once on Route 22, I felt much better.  The cars were moving slowly, but the first half of it the roads were pretty clear, and it wasn’t all jammed up like it suggested in red on the maps.  I got home a bit past 8:30 and Meaghan had called me about 5 minutes before I arrived home.

I was so stressed out and in shock, my body was tense, and today my dad told me to take off as the roads were still bad, and especially in our local area, it really looked like nobody had come to plow it.  After talking to Meaghan, I decided to listen to their suggestions and called my boss to take off.  I went back to sleep and woke up at 3pm, with a bunch of really terrible dreams that did not help calm me down.  Meanwhile, in California the wildfires have burned down an entire town and over 50 people are dead.  Is it just me, or the world feels like it’s apocalyptic all around?  Are the 7 signs of Jesus coming here?

Today, because I had to go out a few times last night in the cold, my lungs were wheezing a bit, and I’m not sure why I still live here.

Nov. 11, 2018 Sunday night: The Leaves are almost Gone

I’ve been joking about having a quarter life crisis since I was 20, but I guess 25 is the “official” quarter-life crisis legitimacy age, assuming 100 is the year we would live to on average.  I just Googled it, the average U.S. age lives to a lifespan of 79 years old, apparently a whole four years longer than it was about 30 years ago.

Weather and Season:

For some reason, it seems like fall condensed in the past week- the landscapes exploded into colors of orange, yellow, and red, soon swept to dead leaves in the wind, and finally left the trees in our yard 90% barren.  We went from 70 degrees two weeks ago to 40s this week, with bouts of rainfall scattered throughout the days.

Career: 

On Friday, it was not a fun day.  I was not feeling it, with the dark skies and rain, and I was tired from driving down to Princeton for a UX/UI lecture the night before (more on that later).  The new list I was working on was also more complex and annoying – there were more factors to consider and change in the system, and none of it was as efficient and straightforward as it should be.  I have a vague idea of the role I took on at this job, but I feel like more than anything, I was hired to research and figure out all the arbitrary conditions in this process without having been properly trained.  Someone from another department messaged me, asking me to look into something I had done two months ago to an account.  For comparison, I work through about 2000-3000 accounts per week on average, and when someone messages me on something, I get anxiety on having to understand and defend myself clearly and promptly.  I needed to understand more of the background and relationship of what other departments do and how the system functions, in order to be able to defend myself on what I had apparently done and what they were looking at.  My quick research led me to believe that I had made an error, and an email was immediately sent out informing others that I had made a mistake.  After help from my co-worker, I realized that I had not been wrong in the update I made, and I therefore attempted to explain to my boss why the change had been made.  It’s just a crappy feeling, not being sure if you did make the mistake stupidly, or it was some operational error you didn’t even have clarity on.  I had apologized many times so far, but out the handful times I had been messaged on my errors, I really believe most of them were due to some of the natural margin of errors that happen when you do a lot of manual work in large amounts of data, and also due to some result I was given that nobody had a concrete idea on how to handle.  There was only one time that it was 100% a huge stupid mistake I clearly made.  None of my bosses have yelled at me or anything, but it’s this pressure I feel where I want to work hard and I really dislike having anyone accuse me of mistakes.  I’m still having doubts about my value and my worth.  I’ve learned that it’s important not to apologize, and to always do your best to find out what happened before believing it when someone tells you you made an error.

  • The UX/UI event:  I had heard about this since the last meetup I attended back in the summer, and didn’t think much about it since.  But then I got an email notification and realized that the topic was one I was quite interested in, which includes user accessibility, something that involves improvement for disabled people as well.  The user experience should prioritize that demographic as well, so I definitely enjoyed the lecture, which was given by Elizabeth Churchill, the head of the UX/UI team at Google.  It was the first time I’d been in this building, which was the one right in front of the Princeton fountain.  The auditorium I was in looked similar to the one broadcasted at the UN, and I immediately sat next to a student who had a #builtbygirls sticker on her laptop.  I talked to her, and realized that there were obviously many Princeton students as well attending, and it was hard not to feel a bit intimidated since I was suddenly aware of the high amount of intellect in this room.  I enjoyed how the speaker broke down the way they researched things at Google, and I definitely agree that a smooth interface is all the difference in whether someone wants to download an app.
  • I’ve been researching more online about what courses and topics I could learn more about and be more exposed to.  I also have been reading up a lot on job requirements, particularly those in my town.  I feel more certain now on the skills I want to target acquiring at my current job, especially those that are transferable.  I need to remind myself when I feel anxious and insecure at my job, that it takes time to pick up on all the nuances of responsibilities, and that even if I lose this job, it’s not the end of the world, and I’m sure I am better off now than I was a year ago regardless.  I can only try my best.

Health:  I shuffled my Tuesday work schedule two hours later to stop by the SSI office with my dad to figure out what’s going on with the status of my benefits.  It always gives me anxiety to go, because one time we had this really mean Indian lady who treated me like a criminal who was taking advantage and lying to her.  I put aside two hours for the trip, but thankfully, we talked to one of the front desk ladies and resolved our questions in about 20ish minutes, with probably a 20 minute wait.  I left with a pamphlet of information and more clear instructions on how to report my wages, and then realized I could head into work at 11am instead of 12pm.  I also ended up going to a deli to talk more with a new guy at work, he’s an interesting character.  I also have to figure out some insurance claims I made, and sometimes when I think too hard into things it can be overwhelming. But I’m okay for now.

The good thing is I’ve done so much research, and have a list of notes on what to further look into and learn about now.  At least I have a sense of direction on what to gain more experience on.  Bloomberg Business magazine is also really informative on world news and trends, so most of my weekend was spent between watching The Americans and reading and researching.

Adulting

Hm… so I still feel like I’m behind on a lot of things, like understanding how taxes work and what the right kind of skin ritual I should be doing at night.  But I do feel like I’ve come a long way since college.  To be frank, in the past two years I finally wrapped my head not only around therapy, but accepting that I could use medication to help with the crazy amount of depression and anxiety I had been struggling with.  I felt like I was mentally drowning so much of my life that it almost made me accept that this was the norm, and that either everyone else around me felt the same and was just handling it much better, or that I was very different and there was something wrong with me.

I still feel emotions of course- sometimes I get a bit down or upset, sometimes when I focus on my health and how different my life could’ve been if I hadn’t gotten ill, where I could’ve been.  But it’s nowhere near how I used to feel- hopeless, trapped under this giant heavy cloud that was drowning me of any ambition and motivation.  It’s therapeutic to write on here for how much of my mind is reflecting on the “negative” aspects of my life, which don’t play out too well with everyday conversation and interactions with people.

That said, adulting.  I used to feel completely naked and vulnerable whenever I had to ask someone for help, like talking to professors for understanding and assistance in my grades and absences that go hand in hand with chronic illness.  I used to feel my whole day ruined when I forced myself to trek short of breath anywhere:  to class, to the mall, just because I wanted so desperately to act as normal as I looked on the outside.  It was too much to accept how severe my health was, and that it would always be this way until it got worse.


I’m worried about getting ill and losing my job, it can make me panic to realize that my youth is leaving and my chances at a youthful life are slipping away, and even worse that these struggles will never leave- I have to simply adjust my perspectives.

But for now, I still have my job, I’m still learning to speak up about my health and reasonable accommodations for it without feeling ashamed or acting like a victim, and that so many things are out of my hands.

This week, my parents left for Taiwan.  I hope they’re having a lot of fun and enjoying their 60s.  That said, it does make things a bit harder for me, such as expending a more limited expectation on the mundane chores I have to take care of everyday- cleaning up after my dog, cooking, washing dishes.  But it’s nice being alone, so that I don’t have to talk to anybody, and I can do things at my own pace without judgment.  I rest when I have to, and give a bit of energy here and there to manage it all.  I’m trying to eat up all the food left in the fridge by myself before it all goes bad, so I’m stuffing myself with two bananas a day, eating perishable foods even though they might not be my cup of tea.

I went to UPenn Tuesday, and my lung doctor said the antibiotics appear to be working and the inflamed white lining around the hole in my lungs seems to be thinning out comparing it from April to August, which is great.  I do realize now that I’m getting closer to my usual baseline how it was definitely worse last year.  When I took deep breaths, the ceiling of my breaths were lower, so I got short of breath more severely and quickly, and as a consequence, I got more fatigued and uncomfortably short of breath/dizzy.

I was annoyed by this person who was administering my breathing tests, and he was super cheerful and when he opened up my patient charts, he was all “omg, I can’t believe you have severe COPD?? No way, you don’t look sick at all.”  I wasn’t going to say anything, but it really irks me when I get that.  So a couple seconds later, I told him “I mean, you can’t see lungs on the outside, can you?”  And he said that’s true.  He tried to make amends by saying that some people spiritually seem really low and defeated and carry it with their aura, and that I don’t. So I guess that was a slightly nicer spin.  Having these comments said to me always fed me imposter syndrome and made me feel like I was playing a special card to ask for help, because it seemed like rarely did someone believe me when I asked for help.  It’s really frustrating.

My friend from college came to visit me Friday evening, I really appreciate when friends make an effort to stay in touch with me, even if the time we see each other has stretched to a year apart.  I saw my neighbor/best friend briefly so she could help me eat some food in my fridge Saturday, then she encouraged me to go to the gym before it got even colder Sunday, so I did.  After I returned, I was again thankful that she gently pushed me to go while it was relatively nice outside (60’s).  And now, today is Sunday.  It’s cold, my nose is cold even with my sweater and socks, so I just start to feel lethargic and want to bundle up in a blanket and not move at all.  I’ve managed to be sort of productive though, and have made headway on cleaning up the bathroom and my dad’s room, and then eventually will put away my summer clothes in my room.  I’m throwing away my old pill bottles, making lunch, going to clean up the dishes soon, and then will go back up to finish cleaning and taking a shower.

My dad’s room is full of random things and it’s all over the place at the moment, which is ironic because he’s the cleanest in our house and regularly vacuums the entire house  down.  I know he’s been super busy and overworked lately, so I think now that I have energy to recharge this weekend, I am able to go and organize some of it.  My mom cleaned her room and my room before she left, so it’s nice because I am pretty crappy at folding the bed, and that takes more energy than other things.

I’m also busy cleaning up my dog’s poop, which is like 3x a day but feels so much more frequent.  When I have to raise my body in any sense vertically, like bending down to pick up her poop, I notice that it affects my heart rate much more than other movement.

Anyway, that’s all for now.

Food for Thought (Literally)

Throughout the years, I’ve been exposed to a lot of things I’ve grown to care about and follow closely.  I used to live in my own bubble, and my life mostly consisted of my parents, my piano, my books, and the internet, most of which I used to casually stalk other people on facebook, and watch korean dramas.  During my high school years was when I started to pay attention to movies and film music and start a notebook.  But it wasn’t until college that I ventured out of my bubble,  became friends with gay people, started reading up on news and politics, and discovered through experience how wrong it was to assume people thought, felt, or processed things the same way I did.  I made friends, drifted apart from friends, and learned how it was normal for shitty things to happen, but that it was still important regardless to retain my empathy and sensitivity in a healthy amount. I’m proud that I’ve decreased my level of ignorance, even though I’m sure there are still tons of things out there I’m not aware of.

And now it’s come to the chapter of post-graduation life.  In the three years since college, I’ve continued to grow by becoming more aware of myself as a person as well as building on my understanding of different issues globally.

  1.  I’ve struggled with my one-foot-in-one-foot-out stance on Christianity
  2.  One of my passions have become following the representation of Asian-Americans across the spectrum of different things, particularly media (shout-out to BTS and Awkwafina in particular this week!)
  3. I’m really disappointed in the Kavanaugh-Ford result this week, and find it harder to have faith in our government in general.  I also need to read up on what the current election situation is.
  4.  I’m now a partial-vegetarian:  I’ve been such for about 2-3 months now. I consciously avoid beef/cow and pig/pork now.  I don’t buy it, and if there were other food options I would choose the alternate food option.  The only time I still eat it is if for example, my mom made pork soup and it’s already been prepared, or if I’m at a friend’s house and it’s rude to refuse.  The reason being, from a moral perspective I’m not sure I could kill a cow or pig unless I had no choice, especially being aware that a pig is smarter than a dog, and dogs are so wonderful and intuitive.  I think I’d be okay killing a chicken or seafood though, so I still eat those.  I also understand why people consume meat, but the food should be treated with respect.  My mom used to lecture me on starving kids in Africa and never to waste food.  It gave me a lot of pressure especially since I had eating problems as a kid, but as an adult, I fully understand what she was getting at.  From my perspective, eat it if you want, but don’t just eat a bite and throw it away nonchalantly.  This is particularly for meat, because an animal did have to be sacrificed for you to fill your stomach.  And because the meat industry is so industrialized, we don’t think about this when we purchase a slab of steak at the supermarket.  That’s really upsetting to me.
  5. Related, but Americans in particular are so wasteful, and our environment is in danger.  We’re all conscious now about global warming and entire ecosystems being tainted with pollution, and polar bears drowning or starving because of us.  I know the problems are so convoluted and big that I can’t change things alone, but I’d like to rid myself of the guilt of adding to the problems.  So some changes I’ve made are to always use my refillable water bottle, and I haven’t touched a plastic bottle in the past 3 months or so.  I’ve been nagging my parents to do the same, which is ironic since my mom used to be the one to nag us.  It’s really easy to grab a plastic water bottle on the go, but in my opinion, those are there for exceptions, such as emergencies, or for a guest in need.  You don’t need a plastic bottle to use at home.  I also have been trying to put leftovers in containers so we use less plastic wrap.  We have a semi-compost situation where we throw our rotted vegetables and egg shells in a separate bin.  My next step is to buy a refillable bubble tea container, or at least a silicone or glass straw.
  6. I need to organize my clothes and Marie Kondo the old clothes that do nothing for me.
  7. Some mistakes have happened at work this past week, but not even knowing if those mistakes came from me or something else made me realize I needed to have a talk with my boss about receiving additional training.  I needed to understand from a holistic perspective about the company, and he wholeheartedly agreed and supported my thoughts.  My co-workers encouraged me to stand up for myself and have that discussion, so I feel grateful and proud of myself for again, venturing out of my comfort zone.

I guess life consists a lot about making choices that you’re comfortable with.  I can’t keep focusing on upsetting thoughts like where my potential life could be at if I wasn’t held back by my illness.  Even though there are an infinite amount of things happening around me that are terrible, I feel a bit better in the knowledge that I am trying my best to do my part to make a difference, even if it’s just a tiny bit.  At least I can live with myself, knowing I have no regrets, that I don’t have guilt in my hypocrisy, and that I continue to push through, admit to my mistakes and grow.  That’s what’s most important to me these days.

Insecurities

It’s come to a point in my life where I feel like I’m living two lives.  I try really hard lately not to separate the two, but there are always certain moments that so clearly remind me how there often feels like two separate realities.

When I’m alone playing Toon Blast or Youtubing, it’s pretty chill now actually.  Sometimes when I’m stressed, being alone made it worse, but lately because I have work and some sort of rhythm to my daily schedule, being alone is now nice to unwind.  I find ironically, that the moments that remind me most of my circumstances is when I’m at a party and hearing them talk about their lives.  Although my confidence has definitely grown throughout the years, the insecurities suddenly make themselves apparent through the most subtle and casual conversations. Couples outnumber the single members, and all the talk surrounds wedding dates and engagement plans.  I find I have nothing to contribute, and I’m also feeling insecure that my personality does not blend in seamlessly with theirs.  I always feel like I’m the misfit in any group, and sometimes I really think it’s a me problem, and not a general “it is what it is.”  Perhaps I am not engaging enough, outgoing enough, I don’t have that spark that naturally draws people to me.

And while everyone chatters happily about their career, their significant others, their last trip abroad, my mind browses quickly through what my own contributions to the conversation could be, and it comes up with all negatives.  Yes, I can say I have a job now, but it still feels like it’s not enough.  I start to think there’s something wrong with me.  Part of me is too introverted, the other part just doesn’t have the energy, literally, to make my presence known and memorable.  I’m the floater who’s sometimes there, but no one would miss me if I wasn’t.

And if you really wanted to know what’s going on with me.  I’ve been going to therapy to become comfortable with the idea of my decreasing health and that I must become mentally prepared to die, whether that’s in the next year, 5 years, or 10.  How’s that for a party downer?  Even as my own friend is talking about her wedding, this thought seeps into my head, what if I don’t even make it to your wedding?

Shoes and Fawn

Shoes

I once read somewhere that two of the biggest products you should be willing to invest in are bed and shoes, because you are spending the majority of your time in either.

After reading Marie Kondo’s book on tidying up and only keeping things that “spark” or you need, I think it’s a good idea to make a list of the different types of shoes one (me) would need to satisfy the categories for different occasions in my life.

I like shoes that are hassle-free, you don’t need to add an extra two minutes to tie or pull on your shoes when you’re already late, but sometimes you just have to deal.

So here are my shoes:

  1.  Cheap e-bay everyday red sneakers
  2. Fancy, super comfy Stella McCartney Ultraboost sneakers
  3. 2.5 inch black platform-sneakers
  4. Formal, black work heels
  5. Black booties
  6. Black boots
  7. flip flops
  8. Red 2-inch sandals (for work or semi-formal events)
  9. 1-inch multi-color sandals

I have black keds that I don’t really like, they make my feet itchy for some reason and also aren’t that comfortable.  I would choose to wear my red sneakers over these black keds any day, so they kind of just take up space now.

What I would like/need:

10.  A solid pair of warm, winter boots.

Other wishlist items:

-Balayage my hair eventually

-Bose Quiet headphones

-Long sleeved work tops

-Shorts + pants


Fawn

Lately, I’ve sighted 2 baby deer with their white spots wandering around the neighborhood and a bit outside the neighborhood.  I really hope that they’re okay and doing well, especially since it seems like they were separated from their parents.  It made me pretty sad, thinking that they might be lost.  I saw them 2 more times, and possibly a 4th time, but that time, there was only one baby.

 

 

Life in the 20s

Yeah… just a blink ago, my brother remarked on how he was starting to attend weddings and other adult things that seemed 20 years away.  20… LIGHTYEARS AWAY.  Cause now it has reached me.  Yep. Me.

Newsfeed on facebook, all day, e’eryday, people be getting engaged with their couples pics and bling bling rings, and even POPPING OUT LITTLE HUMAN BEINGS.

Like, time is supposed to be slow, but it is speeding up lately.  On a scale of MY personal level of stress, it’s been a solid 5.5/10 lately, which is not too awful.  But mostly, I think it’s probably a topic I’ve written about quite a few times now, and that’s how everything around me lately especially with my friends is related to couples, and relationships, and engagement/wedding talk.  I feel like maybe I’m exaggerating, but then the topic comes up and I’m like nope, I am not imagining this.

And I want to be chill, content with who I am and my own journey and all those philosophical quotes that remind you about self-acceptance and all that, but then I have so many moments where I cool down and all the doubt and uncertainty of the future floods in.  I’m constantly wondering now how much my potential really is in career, in how confident I am in my standards of dating, and my ability to continue trying my best to get my shit together, or appear to have my shit together, while enjoying life in the now.  And it’s really difficult – I definitely feel like I have so many to-do lists constantly, from the small to the big, like laundry, and laundry, and food prep, and insurance things, and doing that thing for my dad, and counting my finances, and worrying that all the meanwhile that I try hard to be in the now, everyone else has planned out their next steps, whether it be a trip abroad, moving in with their bf in the following year, or getting into grad school.

And while I haven’t been exhausted in that out-of-breath way too often, lately I’ve been sleeping A LOT.  Remember when I had major insomnia and anxiety, to the point of feeling psychotic?  Now I nap around 3-4 hours a day on the weekends .___. I don’t know why, and I don’t mind too much, but why am I sleeping so much?

All I can do now and continue to try to remember all the things on my weekly to-do list, and to try to go to the gym on a constant basis, stay patient on where I am in the workplace, and try to navigate and learn whatever I can.  Stay as healthy as I can be.  Find the line between ambition and satisfaction.