Happy Fourth of July, 2019! *** (<- fireworks)

Today was a really good day, from beginning to end.  It’s been a pretty long time since I’ve had a solid good day where I wasn’t constantly sleep-deprived or worried or just somewhat restless and anticipating the next bad thing.  I just lived in the moment, and it was awesome to forget all the things I’d been thinking about nonstop. And it’s so nice to hang with somebody where it’s just effortless and fun, even when doing boring things.  Aka, my best friend.

First, we watched Avatar with our other friend online for about 1.5 hours, a solid few great episodes ending Season 1.  Then got ready to go out for a bubble tea and grocery shopping trip.  I’ve been trying to push myself more, and find active reasons to go out and move around more and exercise.  So I grabbed my portable oxygen, and we went to the new bubble tea place to try it out.  This was my second trip, and I wasn’t impressed with their salted cheese drink… it was just ok, just not something I’d crave in the future.  And also more expensive than I cared for.  Then we impulse-decided to go to Sunmerry and satisfy our craving for the best salted cheese green tea, only amplified by the mediocre salted cheese drink we just imbibed.  With that first sip, the world was right again.  Then we drove to Hmart to grab dinner, of which as we were standing there pondering, the sushi became 50% off, what a win.  Then we went hunting for her ingredients, and I also found an ube extract that I can use for future ice cream flavors and for cake!  So excited to try new things- I’ve got the Philadelphia Teaberry flavor extract “saved for later” list on my Amazon account- that’s next!  (I’ll also be receiving my cruelty-free bareminerals make up and metal cookie/ice cream scoopers soon!  That will make my life easier.)

Grocery shopping took a pretty long time, and I could feel my energy waning and burning up.  Finally, we sat down for a bit and then ran into a slight bit of traffic on the way home, due to all the pedestrians and police officers piling around the streets, hoping to catch some firework sights.  Then, after some rest, we set off fireworks on my driveway, which was a pleasant end to a pleasant day with good company ^_^

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Birthday Blessings

I am officially 26! … I have graduated from the bracket of age 18-24, occasionally 18-25.  Apparently I’m not truly “old” or in my “late 20s” until I’m 27.

I feel really lucky to have wonderful family and friends to make me feel loved.  Even though one could argue that my quality of life has gotten worse, that is only physically.  Mentally, I’ve become stronger, not without the help of therapy.  My perspective on life has changed, and I’ve grown more hopeful and better enough to fight for a future that could improve my possibilities of things I could experience, a life that I had only imagined since I’d grown up.  I’d be able to run, hang out with friends an entire day without feeling exhausted, I’d never feel short of breath again from walking a couple blocks or walking up stairs, and I’d never have to feel that dizzy, wobbly, bursted feeling whenever I did try to push that boundary.

I was pretty satisfied with a casual hangout with my college friends last weekend, and determined to enjoy the present for all the happiness it offered.  I kept getting expected and unexpected love, which included 3 delicious cakes, two books, a Nintendo Switch, a Nordstrom gift card, a heated blanket, balloons, flowers, and a lovely Cajun style seafood dinner with family.

My heart is full, and all these memories just remind me not to take anything for granted, and to keep trying my best for an optimal future with the people who matter most.

P.S. Got another last minute visit from my friend and her baby today (Tuesday)!  He is growing up so fast, this is my first time seeing a baby every couple months, and it’s crazy to me how quickly he picks up things and how beautiful of a child he is.  I also have firsthand appreciation of a mother’s full-time work in looking after another human being.  They gave me an orchid plant and another birthday balloon!  Whoo-hoo.  For reals, most of my life I was bitter and resentful of anyone who I thought was a friend but ended up not being there for me.  It may be because of my change in perspective, but all I feel is joy in mattering in other people’s lives, and that I have friends who offer to drive me to UPenn at all touches me.  We don’t know if we have another minute, day, week, years, or a lifetime to spend with our loved ones.  I’d always been on a rush to live as fully as possible whenever my body allowed me, and it only makes me more determined to live longer and healthier because now I have fully understood the meaning of life and my place on this earth, and I will not take it for granted if I had a second chance.

Lung Questions and Stresses

  1. Since my diagnosis is obliterans bronchiolitis, with a lung transplant, technically should be cured?
  2. Would the lung function immediately be high, or would it be low and slowly improve over time?
  3. Two incisions under boob (video assisted thoracic surgery?  or one across?  Dr. Cantu had mentioned two incisions which heals faster)
  4. How would we know when we can go off the ventilator?
  5. Are we very conscious the days following surgery?
  6. Chest tubes I heard are painful ?
  7. Dr. lee mentioned some improvements made since the time I got evaluated 2 years ago- can you give me some more info on that?
  8. Support group —> particularly for parents; and info session link.
  9. How would the cold affect my new lungs?  i know sick people are risky, how would that compare to cold weather?
  10. Dr. lee would present to case, then would i be activated on the list?
  11. When we get the call for a lung transplant, do we get to know what the age is of the donor, besides high-risk factors?  What are the determinations for a qualified donor lung?
  12. What is the opinion of the lung transplant’s team ?
  13. Can I go skydiving?

215 662 6200, press 3 for lung team

Emergency call 215 662 4000, ask to be connected to provider on call.


I think because I’ve had therapy for 4 years, I’ve gone through the 5 stages of grief.  Obviously, I’m not “ok”, but I’m okay enough to understand and accept that this is what I have to go through eventually if I want to live.

My mom on the other hand, is definitely going through all stages of grief.  I think even though doctors have told her in the past, she was always in denial and firmly kept believing that there were other things she could do to maintain me where I was.  Like giving me chinese medicine, having me avoid certain foods, and being upset at my dad because he didn’t move us to a warmer climate (California).  While it may be true that that that could’ve helped, or prolonged my diagnosis, it is also true that that would not have been a cure at all.  Functioning at 19% was a miracle for the time that I’ve grown up, but I had never known otherwise.

I’m really worried about my mom and how my parents will handle this, particularly if it goes south.  She kept having a meltdown and saying that there’s no point in living without me, that her meaning in life was for her kids and her family.  It is really burdensome for me to hear this, and part of what is making me uneasy and hesitant to tell the lung transplant team that I’d like to move forward.  Her stress is understandable, but it definitely is bouncing the stress over and over between us.  I want her to separate our lives a bit, because like Michelle Obama said, you are only responsible for your own happiness.   My acceptance and peace that it could all end up okay was faltering, and I ended up having a terrible nightmare of me being chopped into pieces like ham, and being sewn together with body parts of another person.  I saw blood on the bedsheets and all that, it was pretty horrifying.

I also had doubts that I’d have the strength and determination to swallow all those pills daily for the rest of my life.  But of course, when I thought of the bad things, I forgot about the good things, and vice versa.  I was trading in my life now, for a new life where yes, I’d have different risks and complications, but I could be able to breathe and run and dance and travel.  I think I would feel superhuman at that point.

Also, the cabin fever is really wearing me down.  Every winter, I feel like I’ve lost my mind, and wonder how I was able to make it through each year. Quite honestly, the quality of life imo is appalling.

Musical Awakening

I just had a really fun and good night.  After years of starting to really resent the piano and classical music in general, tonight I dragged friends along with me to a low-key performance in Princeton, and it reminded me of how much I loved music and playing.

I don’t know, I always hesitated a lot to label myself a musician, because I felt again like I was lacking in confidence and being a stage whore, which you kind of have to be natural with to a certain degree to enjoy performing for others.  But I definitely have a deep connection and to music when I’m in the zone, and with some encouragement, I went up after the concert to mess around with the piano, and I totally fell in love.  The piano is a Mason and Hamlin, and it just sounded so beautiful I kept playing and gathered a tiny audience again.  I improvised a lot and it made me want to go back to practicing and possibly teaching and/or playing.

One of the few things I am confident is in my musicality.  Maybe it’s my emotional side but sometimes I felt incredibly sad playing the keys, but in a good way.  You feel both worn out but relieved after you’re done.  I think I’ll try to go back to composing music and/or doing covers, and recording a few on my SoundCloud 🙂

Happy birthday to me~

The time in college when I felt like all was lost and there was no one there for me, there were a few people who were there for me actually.  But I couldn’t believe it because my mind was so locked in a dark place, that when anyone actually extended a kind hand to me, my mind just kept telling me that they pitied me and were too nice to not help me out, that they were doing it not because they wanted to, but because it was the right thing to do.  I was not myself, I was the most desperate version of myself I’d ever been.

I remember rambling to my best friend and telling her about this feeling, and she told me that just because they were kind to everyone, didn’t mean their care towards me meant any less.  I never felt like I had any true worth or added anything valuable to someone else’s life.

I also kept denying that I was turning 25, because it felt like I could no longer make excuses and dumb it down to me just figuring it out in my early 20s.  My friend told me how she felt our other friend was really living the life, with a great job and a great boyfriend, like all the puzzle pieces fit together perfectly for her.  For me, if my friend had not shared her worries and her problems with me, as an outsider looking into her life, she had it just as great too:  great boyfriend, great job.

I always kind of hated birthdays… instead of celebrating myself, it brought me anxiety, it was a reminder of another day where nobody seemed to care much or reach out to me.  I’ve worked hard to shift this mindset to focusing on the people in my life who are important and here to stay:  they are not necessarily intrinsically important.  They prove themselves important by the constant actions and the relationships we work hard to maintain and cherish throughout each year for each other.    The people who care will come forward in times like this to show you love.

I hate using the word “blessed” but today I do feel blessed.  I felt mopey and was in denial of being so old.  But my friends have popped up without having to, to simply show me they matter and I matter.  Today, I didn’t feel depression even though it was gloomy and raining.

I even had positive dreams for a change and woke up feeling good.  My mom left a box on my bed, and I found a dainty beautiful necklace inside.  My friend showed up last night with a cake from one of my fave places, and today my friends took me out to dinner and then we spontaneously visited another friend’s house and played intense games of Mario Kart.  I just don’t remember the last time we laughed this hard at stupid things.  Another couple friends drove to my house at 11:30pm to give me bubble tea and wish me happy birthday.

I also have my puppy.  It was a good birthday. #Blessed.

P.S.  The birthday celebrations continued!  Yesterday (Tue. the 27th), my friend treated me to dinner and we got drinks (I got some odd bourbon pear cider thing), and THEN she told me she also got me a gift she forgot to bring and donated a lot to my fundraiser to WWF. MAN. I am just, inspired and overwhelmed by her generosity.  I GET SO EXCITED when I come across a great human being in my life ^_^

P.S.S. I am adding these PSes on the 28th today.  I got cramps.  Life sucks again.  Not so exciting anymore.

Attempting to Make A Korean Dinner Pt. 2

I’m very happy with the dishes I whipped up today for my family!  It was much faster since I only focused on 3 dishes, and we ate it with shin ramen.  I think the thing about Korean food that makes me happy is how colorful and playful it is with the variety of each small dish.  I made:

-Steamed Egg with green onion

-Pickled Cucumber <– honestly could devour a giant bowl by myself

-Beef Pancakes

I’m only going to follow Maangchi’s Youtube recipes from now on… hers seem to work better.

I’m not really a fan of grating, shaving, or frying things because it’s annoying, so I try to avoid those.  But today I tried coating my beef slices with flour and egg before pan frying it, and it was quite successful in my opinion!  My parents enjoyed it, and you can tell it’s good when most of it’s finished by the end of the meal.  I did remember to take a quick picture… here’s me with my game face on and my lucky Harry Potter shirt on, and then the actual dishes, topped with leftover bean sprout banchan from the day before:

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Notes to self:  need to do the steps more carefully for the beef pancakes, and coat with more flour so there’s a clearer egg casing on the outside, also try to slice the steak thinner.


Tomorrow’s Banchan Attempts:

-Potato Redemption

-Eggplant with a different recipe

-Seafood / veggie pancake

 

Storytime: That Time I Got Robbed and Other Musings on Gratitude and Empathy

~StoryTime~

There was this one time when my parents and I were on vacation in Canada and my mom and I had gotten into a fight the previous night; I was about maybe twelve years old.   The next morning, we ate at the hotel complimentary breakfast with the expected aftermath of awkwardness in the air- I kept my eyes lowered to shield my puffy red eyes under my hat.  There weren’t many other people around, but I remember seeing two tanned men sitting near us at the next table.  I was in a foul mood, angry with the world and still upset at something my mom had said earlier; my feeling ashamed reflected clearly in my flushed face.

I was so lost in my own world of sulky thoughts that I only barely took notice that my mom had left the table to get more food.  Soon after, my dad also got up to head to an aisle leading to the men’s room, leaving me alone.  The next minute, I was whipped out of my thoughts by a man who approached me, pointing furiously towards the direction my dad had left in and jabbering in a foreign language.  His panic was infectious.  The first thing that came to my mind was that something had happened to my dad: he had a heart attack, he had passed out, there was a fire.  I hesitated and stood up as the man bolted off – confused, I wondered if I should follow him or call the police.

Next thing was my mom’s alarmed voice; she had come back and immediately exclaimed, “Where’s my bag?!”

I glanced around to the chairs around me, and only saw mine.  That was the moment  I realized that I had been hoodwinked.  The men who were sitting near us were gone.  The police arrived and questioned us, and after watching the security footage, confirmed that the two men had dashed out the backdoor.  The police told us that it was one of a few cases that had happened recently in the neighborhood hotels in the same exact fashion.  The next hour was filled with my mom calling various places to cancel her credit card accounts, phone accounts, and anything else the police advised her to do.  My mom’s camera, phone, and unfortunately, more than half a thousand dollars cash had been in her favorite bag.  She said she had forgotten to remove all the cash since her recent trip to Taiwan where she wanted to exchange some of it for Taiwanese money.

The shock that had hit all of us that early afternoon had us immediately forget, or rather, let go of any ill feelings harbored towards each other.  I remember feeling a mixture of emotions.  I felt guilty that I had not watched our things more carefully, that I had so naively been fooled by that guy, who must’ve distracted me to one side so that his accomplice could grab my mom’s bag to the other side of me.  I felt a bit regretful that so much money had been lost, especially since my younger parents worked hard to save up money.

I also felt tremendous relief that nothing in fact, had happened to my dad; he was okay.  My mom was okay, I was okay, we were all okay.  Nobody had held me at gunpoint or knifepoint threatening to kill us if we hadn’t handed over our possessions.

I also felt the weight of grudges just a couple hours ago melt into incredible gratitude, realizing by comparison the full pettiness of my sulky world.  One argument was a bad grain of sand in the spectrum of our lives.  Even though I don’t count myself as particularly religious, I remembered thinking that this incident must have been God’s reminder to me to wake up and understand that much worse things could happen at any given time.

We really tend to see what we don’t have, and what others do have.  Even on days where I’m in tremendous pain physically or emotionally, or my car broke down,  I would just think, if only I didn’t have to deal with this shit.  How much better the day would be if I just wasn’t in pain, if the car just worked and I could get to my friend or my groceries.  That’s how we see that the ordinary, “boring” events are actually extraordinary.

Today, some tragedy could’ve happened that left my family homeless.  Today, I could be so destitute that I don’t have enough money to buy dinner.  Today, I could’ve lost a loved one.  Today, I could’ve found out someone I loved didn’t love me back anymore.  Today, I could be feeling so depressed that I want to kill myself.  Today, I could be lying in the hospital again, just wishing that I could sleep in my own bed and get a hot shower.

Today, none of those things happened, and I did get to feed myself, sleep in my own bed, and take a hot shower.

I was in the car the other day and musing over the whole “glass half full, glass half empty” cliche.  Maybe we’re missing the point when we look at it that way.  Maybe the truth to finding Zen and acceptance of everything around us, including the shitty parts, is to see the glass itself.  That the glass exists at all.  That we have a glass.  That we have water at all.  It could all so easily be nothing, just empty space floating into more nothingness.


-Just a passing thought about how to find happiness and peace since that is something I’ve struggled with my whole life.

Reminder though, that even though we should strive to be more appreciative and notice all that we do have, it’s still okay to let yourself feel the sad parts too.  We’re wrapped up in a society that expects us to feel fine all the time or try to get us there (“Feel better!” “You’ll be okay” “I’m sorry” other crap etc.).  Is that true healing?  No.  You have to walk through the tunnel to get to the other side, there is no shortcut.  You can’t magically Apparate or sprout wings over the tunnel.  What we can do for each other?  For true empathy, be there for one another.  Rather than a “Feel better”, I want to live in a society where we hold each other’s hand.  We offer an embrace, we tell them yes, what they’re going through sucks, but I’m here for you.  I will walk with you through the tunnel.  You’re not alone.

There’s a difference between finding pleasure in sulking in misery, and brushing off any pain like it’s nothing.  Validation, entitlement, to your feelings… I guess it’s a bit of a fine line sometimes depending on perspective.  There’s a balance.

I’ll admit that this is one of my faults too.  I’m a hypocrite, because I have told people to “feel better” before.  Because when I feel their burden, I just can’t.  I can’t even handle my own burdens sometimes.  “Put the oxygen mask over yourself before helping others put their masks on” <— wise words of a flight attendant.  But I’m working on it, and I wish more people would just give more of a shit to be honest.


Today’s Obsessions (Music):

-Heaven by Julia Michaels

-Sacrifice  by Black Atlas & Jessie Reyez

-Wait by Maroon 5

Wizarding World of Harry Potter -Feb. 6, 2018 Log (Pt. 2 Tuesday)

I have to say, this is probably the second best vacation I’ve ever been on:  I had the best solid sleep I’ve had in about two years last night, and everything is going well.  I had proper rest, we live in a great hotel, the weather is perfect, and we got to see the second half of Harry Potter Diagon Alley in Universal Studios today – I think I can add today as the fourth happiest memory I’ve had, with the first being in Taiwan with study abroad friends, the second being throwing a surprise party with kids for my co-counselor, and the third being sitting on a gondola in Venice.

I guess part of what makes it so happy too is going through what feels like hopeless hell, everything going wrong.  Today, everything went smoothly and right, which is rare.  No regretful feelings, we got to do pretty much everything.  I had a solid 9 hours of sleep, we woke up at 8am to get to the park, and rode every ride and saw every inch of Harry Potter World (besides the Hogwarts train but it’s seriously ok cause the rest of it was that awesome), I got Florean Fortescue’s strawberry-peanut butter ice cream, got my Gryffindor quidditch shirt in kid’s size, got my Hogwarts keychain that I regretted not buying the first day, my mom got her turkey legs, we saw the Mardi Gras parade AND managed to squeeze in E.T. in the last two minutes of the day.  We took a few pictures at the exit and I felt confident to take a photo in my wheelchair.  Yes, my wheelchair.

I dreaded this wheelchair forever, and the first day I rode it I had moments where I felt like my life was falling apart and I was becoming an even more useless, dependent person.  I brought not much joy due to my depression to others, I was physically weak and easily fatigued, I did not even bring much income in, I felt like I could barely help myself:  I felt worthless.  And truth is, I will probably feel frustrated by all the limitations again many, many times over, but I realize that accepting the help of using a wheelchair made my quality of life 10x better. I was no longer so fatigued and uncomfortable that I could not properly enjoy whatever we were doing, and as the second day, I got used to stares more and even stared back happily.  I guess it’s still different since I don’t know anyone personally here, so I feel somewhat less self-conscious.  Props to my parents for wheeling me around all day, I am amazed at how fast regular people walk without tiring!  The speed they go at is like a mild superhero speed compared to my own.  It saved us a lot of time too not to have to rest every other minute.

I have to say, to date I highly enjoyed both Harry Potter rides, I also enjoyed the Jimmy Fallon ride, Transformers, and the Incredible Hulk were the highlights.  The amount of blessed feelings and happiness I experienced in 4 days so far seems to make up for how shitty I’ve felt the rest of the past year.  To simply be able to accomplish more than I can brings me great elation and then I feel very satisfied and full.  I’d rather have one great vacation than 2 shitty ones where I feel sick the whole time.  Wheeee.  ^_^

Here’s to hoping the last day is a solid one as well.  I can probably live off this good vibes week for quite awhile, maybe it’ll last me till spring?  Fingers crossed.

 

Spiraling Down Confessions

The other day, I spoke very freely about my therapist and some of the medications I’m on, and I was speaking to a couple friends that I consider myself close with.  Then they casually mentioned their therapist, and it caught me by surprise because all this time, I had never heard them mention it before.  But then again, neither had I.  And the thought occurred to me that it was the mental health stigma that keeps us all wary, even if subconsciously.  I know I always fear being judged even by friends when I do decide to mention it, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m insane or I have some issues they don’t want to be a part of. In college, I had some really deep talks with people I’m not even friends with anymore- you’d be surprised how many people confess to you in private that they are struggling and attend therapy, or feel they need it.

But why do we fear judgment so deeply?  Therapists are wonderful listeners, and they always help me talk out my problems and find the light at the end of the tunnel, after figuring out first what kind of tunnel it is.  Literally anyone could use a therapist, even if they’re doing relatively okay.  That freedom of having someone who is solely there as an objective source to help sort out the mess your mind is in itself priceless.  Especially some dudes, who are worried they don’t seem “macho” if they admit they have emotions and personal issues.  Which one is harder, acting like you don’t have a problem, or talking about it?  Then maybe consider growing a pair, or rather, shrinking your pair so you can become a woman, because women are probably much stronger in that regard.  How do you expect to improve if you can’t even admit the problem exists?

What I wish to work on, is freeing myself of the fear of judgment by others.  How nice would it be to honestly not care?  For me, I go through this constant cycle where I’m sort of okay, to just discontent and dissatisfied, to full out emo, to pretending I do not actually exist and tuning out to become as much of a vegetable as possible.  Struggling with depression ain’t easy.  Just yesterday, I had said one of my goals was to try to be less jealous of others, and have less pity parties.  But literally today, was one of those days where you wake up in a half charged mode in fighting spirit, and every accomplishment or fun experience someone else near you is having feels like a straight up diss to your face, as it was a reminder and reflection of how unswimmingly your own life is going.

I go through these modes where one incident triggers my depression, and then the following incidents, which could literally be anything, build on that, and I start to slip and spiral downwards into a deep, dark hole.   What is the point of doing anything?  People don’t care.  People are terrible.  People suck.  Life feels empty and meaningless.  We all die at the end anyway.  I’m unhappy- how do I make myself unhappy?  What is the solution here?  A lot of it ends up just being strengthening your mindset and ability to overcome.  But every so often, when these triggers happen, I start to think “fuck, not again.”  I’m so tired of being so tired, and sick of being sick, and repeating, rewinding my mood.

Why is it so hard to be happy?  How do I learn to own myself by sharing and being open about my life?  I’m worried nobody wants to be burdened, nobody wants to listen.  I wish I could just think, “Please, I honor you with my presence and my words” but what I’m thinking is “Please don’t judge me.  Please stay.”

 

Merry Christmas (Gratitude) 2017

So I’ve noticed that even though my blog is a personal place to spill out all my thoughts and feelings and emotions, as a result it has also reflected a lot of the dark moments and worries that pass through my head.  Today’s post is about taking it back to what the whole point was of starting this whole blog, which was the intention of focusing on happiness and the journey to it- which brings up gratitude, a neighbor of happiness.

  1.  The obvious basic:  The obvious basic things I have to appreciate living in a developed country is that I am never starving, always have food to go for when I’m hungry, and that I always have a roof over my head with a comfy room.  All my loved friends and family are still alive, especially my parents, who do so much for me.  They support me through my illness, support me financially in terms of living expenses and anything else I need, like paying for medication, picking up my medication, and dropping it off for me right away.  They bought me my laptop and my android phone in the recent years. I get to keep myself clean and well-groomed with hot showers and baths which are especially useful when I feel low.
  2.  The materialistic:  Even though yes, studies show that experiences and meaningful relationships matter a lot in relativity to happiness, the second thing I have to list in terms of gratitude is more materialistic.  I don’t desperately need anything (besides my health lol), but there were a couple things I had on my wish list, and I honestly didn’t expect to seriously get any of those things this year.  However, I got most of them, either gifted by yours truly (to self lol), or by friends and family.  First off, my first pair of Adidas Ultraboost!  (Stella McCartney in clay red) in size 4.5, on sale and notified to me by one of my friends.  I was given a pair of red Beats headphones by generous friends who claimed they didn’t have any use for it.  Third off, this Nordstrom leather jacket I’d been pining after for about two years- it was finally on sale during Black Friday and I saved over $100, although it was still quite pricey.  I bought myself all the Yesstyle products I had in my favorites just as an impulse buy, and these included a Gudetama make up sponge, a cover up mask, a Shu Uemura eyelash curler, charcoal toothpaste, etc.  #Treatyoself I also received A+ class chocolate and the most amazing German mug ever from my childhood best friends.  This mug was my favorite at my neighbor’s house because it’s thin, tiny, and curves outward, which makes pouring and drinking so much easier and funner!  26036991_10156088952223960_1789629163_o I also received more gifts surprisingly.  My two friends bought me a portable white noise sound machine and a wine red laptop sleeve I’d been wanting to protect my Mac with! These were on my wish list, and I honestly did not even remember sharing the list.  My mom’s friend also dropped off a LADY M crepe cake!! Holy moly, those cost $90, I looked it up.  So excited to eat it.  Also, I still have my college secret santa gift to look forward to.  But finally, most precious of all, is that my parents came home last week WITH A PUPPY!!!  My mom fell in love with a schnoodle who is heterochromatic.  She looks like a hybrid between a dragon, bat, rabbit, and alpaca.  Her name is Moonchie and she is a feisty one ^_^25990644_10156088957248960_1147577110_n
  3. Miscellaneous:  We’re going on a Disney trip soon, and even though there are many things to be worried about, the bottom line is I’ll finally get to try butter beer and see The Wizarding World of Harry Potter omg.  I also feel like I have somewhat of a grip on what my goals are, and I’ve outlined them for each day.  Just a lot of self-improvement, self-exploration, even as I’m stuck at home.  Learn to focus on acceptance of self, being less jealous of others, staying hungry and mindful of said goals.  Trying to make the best of it with my time and opportunities to quietly work on SQL, R, Python, and also this International Humanitarian Law course I found on Coursera.  Datacamp is also this wonderful source I found.  I want to work in data science or analytics!  There’s so much to learn, but I actually find it pretty fun to solve each example.  I also borrowed some books to read at home that will hopefully give me some fictional fun as well as knowledge.  In terms of other issues I’m passionate about, Asian representation is actually existing a tiny bit more these days.  Mindy Kaling and Awkwafina are both cast in Ocean’s 8, Jay Park got recruited into Rocnation, and BTS is making waves in the music industry by performing at the AMAs and collabing with other huge artists!

I have so much.  Even though most of the time I can’t seem to be able to make myself look at the positives, right now I feel as satisfied and full as the feeling you get after you stuff yourself with a huge meal + dessert.  Preferably pumpkin pie a la mode.  Or Lady M OHOHO.