Reminder to be Thankful: Healthcare, Career, and Other Basic Things Most ppl take for Granted

I’ve started my second week of work, and I remember thinking of my last job and how excited I was just to have a job and be healthy enough to go to work everyday.  After a couple months though, the excitement wore off and the work became mundane- I felt restless and uninspired, not to mention the weather got colder and more difficult for me.

I had this thought at the end of last week that it seemed I was nearing the end of my training and picking up most of what I could pick up at this job and place, but I really hoped that wasn’t the case.  Thankfully, I think I still have a lot to learn, and if I do well and still last here 3-6 months later, maybe I’ll get a raise or they’ll consider moving me to another higher position in data.  Ideally, my image of “making it” career-wise would be to climb up the ladder in terms of data analyst, then data scientist, of which the avg annual income is ~$100,000.  Even though money isn’t everything, it would definitely be one less thing to worry about and would make life a little easier.  My hospital stay for just 8 days last year ended up costing ~$50,000… I don’t know how people are supposed to survive and pay that without insurance in America.  Definitely a huge problem.  It’s inhumane not to provide people with the basic ability of maintaining their health and welfare.

I’m glad that compared to certain peak times of my life, these past months I haven’t had to visit doctors an incredible amount- I have to take off once a month so far, and I try really hard to book my appointments for other things after my work ends, which is possible because it’s part-time.  As I grow older, I become more and more aware of spending money practically, and investing in things I need. Really need.  Like work clothes.  What I WANT are a nice new pair of bose headphones and for my mac computer to have sound again, but so far, I am living life fine without either.  Shout out to you Sean if you’re reading this lmao because I use bluetooth on the sleep machine to get sound when I connect it to the laptop 😀

So what I want to be thankful for now, and what I have to keep reminding myself when I start to feel bored or annoyed that I have to go to work, is that it is a blessing to have the ability to have a job and to make it there everyday.  I remember those cold winter months where I had really bad winter blues and was alone and so frustrated that I was just full-time sick, watching everyone else simply have opportunities to hit their goals.  I don’t need anyone to hand anything to me, I just want the opportunity to earn it.  Because now that I am not down with the flu/cold or my lungs are fucking with me and I can manage my current job so far, I feel confident that I have the drive and the ability to learn and make it to where I want to be.  As long as life doesn’t throw more shit at me (which I know it will), I can do it.  And that is one of the biggest leg ups I have over my competition.  I know what it’s like to simply not be able to try.  When you’ve never known what it’s like to have a chance feel like it’s completely robbed from you, you don’t know anything else except to take it for granted.

I know I’m not earning that much right now.  But it’s a step above not having the ability to earn anything at all.  And even if I get fired now, I already picked up so much on the corporate world in one week, and other random technical jumbo I never thought twice about that impact our lives very much, that it’s okay:  I know it wasn’t a waste of time.  Absorbing knowledge is great 😀  I’m starting to migrate towards analyzing real work this week in their many Excel sheets… my biggest wish is that the learning doesn’t stop here and I’m not stuck doing this for weeks on end, or for the rest of my position there.  Give me a chance to prove what I can bring when illness doesn’t prevent me, and I will kick ass.

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Summer plans – Productivity

So I always feel like I’m not doing enough.  For myself, for other people.  It’s a lot of pressure.  I’m consciously making an effort to think of all the things that I AM doing though, and there are a lot of things actually that I’ve worked towards and improved on despite all the other regular shit going on.

  1.  Crisis Textline Volunteer – in the process of being trained.  I already agree with a lot of the things I’m being taught in the guidelines and videos, so that’s a good sign.  I worry that I won’t be able to handle it emotionally and will feel like a failure. But I still think it’s a good challenge to try.   Text HOME to 741741 if you’re looking for support.
  2.  Starting a new job as a Data Entry Specialist this upcoming week- again, feeling like I might be a failure if I can’t hold onto this job or feel sick and end up quitting/getting let go.  But that’s another thing I’m working towards for summer plans, and I hope I at least learn something.
  3. Dating – Yeah, I had an anxiety attack last night thinking that I’ll never find somebody, but I did go on a few dates and it’s probably hit the end of the road in that department for now, but whatever I tried lol yay me.
  4. Seeing friends – I’ve definitely made a huge effort to stay present and updated in my friends’ lives, and I am pretty content with my social life at the moment, which is a rare thing.
  5. Body – I’ve hit my weight goals and also hit the gym 9 times the past month, which was my original goal all year long and I wasn’t able to hit that goal until recently.  I do see mild tricep/bicep lines, but legs and butt still feel like sticks.  Regardless, I’ve also taken up Sunday yoga again and I’m happy I forced myself to do that because it does help more or less.  My parents also go on evening walks and my dad goes on a few runs each week, so I’m also proud of them!

Losing My Rhythm

Yeah… trying to stay on the wagon and the momentum but instead of keeping my eye on the ball, the eye is kind of wandering and looking elsewhere, the prize is looking a little out of focus.

One day I can wake up feeling relatively upbeat and feeling that drive, but the next I’ll wake up feeling the physical aches and translating to mental energy loss as well.  I start to second guess myself and wonder if I’m worth ever being hired, and if I were, if I was ever meant to be able to hold onto a solid career and maintain it without sacrificing my health and ending up in the hospital again.

I scroll through my private Instagram, and to watch the journey of a woman close to my age go through the whole lung transplant process, and to slowly die, waiting for another chance to breathe and live, I am getting secondhand agony and secondhand anxiety:  is this the predetermined path for me as well?  The answer is yes, and yet I want to look away.  Because if I stare at it too long, then I will lose all resilience in the other goals I want to accomplish in the meantime.

I’m reading this really enlightening book called “Sapiens:  A Brief History of Humankind” and it’s a very thoughtful, well-rounded reflection that is bursting with info from evolution, biology, history, to religion and revolutions of the human species.  I have to say, it held a lot of questions about Christianity and all the strange potholes and contradictions that have always made me a bit uneasy.  But to imagine that we are truly alone in our struggles and are left to suffer mindlessly is also pretty depressing.

I feel lately like I am doing so much yet nothing at all.  Accomplishing nothing except making it to the next day relatively healthy, and trying to build at doing normal productive things like exercising, spending time with family, reading, learning, and hanging out with friends if the weather and my body allows it.  I sometimes feel proud of myself, but then I’ll look at a friend or someone else’s life, and it makes me so overwhelmed wishing so hard that I could do better, and that it is never enough.  To have a job to go to everyday, to travel with friends, to have someone hire me and believe in me and validate that I’m worth it despite all my problems.  I want to have a moment where I can look at myself like, yeah, I made it.  I did this.

What I keep reminding myself is that it is already a huge accomplishment that in comparison to my taking steroids 5 times last winter, I did not get sick at all this winter. Of course, it was at the expense of staying home most of the time to minimize risks and exposures, but it is still a good thing to stay safe.  I have spent my time wisely lately and in dragging my ass to the gym and watching what I eat.  I am almost at my target weight of 105 lbs, and I have been eating cleaner- mostly filled with oatmeal, boiled egg, chicken, and lots of fruits and veggies.

If I cannot obtain my career dream at this point in time, I will continue chasing my other, which is to push my body to the fittest it can be.  I want abs of steel, stronger thighs to walk with, my bicep and tricep lines to show when I flex, a butt, and a better posture with chest presses.  I was walking yesterday and realized that I was much more aware of the muscles in my legs, and it encouraged me to continue being persistent.  To feel like I got hit by a truck every time will be worth it in the long run when I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I’ve built.  This is one of the days I can work towards in my control, as long as I don’t get sick and I keep up with what I’m doing without getting stagnant again.

My body is kind of what I deem a bad charger- it needs a lot more rest and charges at such a slow pace that while other ones are hitting 100% in 1 hour, mine is hitting 19% by then if I’m lucky.  So when it keeps hitting close to 5% and I’m getting warning signs, I must force myself to rest so I can get back up a few percents.  This has taught me to be much more efficient in the 19% I have- and while I’m at my version of full capacity, what am I going to spend that energy on?

Finished R Career Track course

So… after an estimated 95 hours (even though it absolutely took me much longer than that…), I finished the career track on Datacamp for R!  I really learned a lot looking back, but every step of the way introducing something new to my brain was hard work.  I’m still not a master, but at least I am becoming more familiar with the structure of it and what R’s capabilities and tools are.  Finally finished whew.

Now, I’m starting on Python, which is supposed to be easier, but I guess it’s the learning curve of re-learning the process from scratch with different coding style that is tripping me up.  I feel a bit discouraged, but all I can do is keep going forward, slowly and step by step.  At the end of the course, I’ll realize that this first and second class material was easy as it’s all introduction to basic 101.  But, it doesn’t feel that way right now and I feel pretty overwhelmed T_T  I really hope I’m going to be qualified enough to get a job in the future in this career, and my friend is also shifting her career to becoming a web developer from scratch, so it’s kind of encouraging to see her progress and all that she’s learned in the past couple months.

I’m kind of tired, but I can’t give up.  If I continue on pace with the goals I’ve set daily for myself, I should have learned the Python entire track before 20 days’ time, in which after I would start browsing through projects and practicing to become even more familiar with what I want to do, rather than how to do it.

I remember the course I took on Photoshop and how overwhelming it was… didn’t know how to do anything, including importing an image.  But it became second nature to know where to click to get the result I wanted, but it also meant weekends of morning to night in the same spot.

HAVE TO KEEP GOING. MUST.

Prayers for Motivation

I remember growing up, when I blew out my candles I always prayed to be healthy.

Now that I’m older, I try to aim for more realistic prayers… I know there is a high chance I won’t ever get to experience what it’s like to be healthy or “normal”, but I pray instead for the motivation to want to push myself to want to be the best version of myself I can be.  The courage to actually strive towards working my hardest even when I know my ideal version might not ever become a reality.

I feel like my prayers have somewhat been answered lately?  I am far  from who I want to be, yet I actually wake up feeling… motivated.  I’ve been working hard not just to write up what my goals are, but doing them.  Diving headfirst into the world of data science, and going when I am able to the gym, despite knowing it’s going to be a long journey and I will always feel out of breath and never quite “there”.  This is already an improved version of the mentality I used to have, drowning in depression and fighting simply to get through Step 1 of: wake up and feel motivated.

Any haters in the world whose judgment and attitude towards me used to cut me like a knife… turn it into noise

3.06.18 – Appreciation in Food Culture, Friends, and Motivation vs. Depression

I find that I don’t click well with people who have their heads so far up their ass and are so far stuck up their little bubble that they don’t see anything else outside of it.

Aren’t you curious about the rest of the world and how they live their lives?  That’s the only way to pursue truth, to open your eyes and really grow as an individual, to humble yourself.  To understand other people’s way of life and beliefs, and have a greater appreciation for your own, and to fully understand what privilege or lack of it is.  That’s why it’s always so surprising to come across someone unbelievably ignorant.

That was a bit harsher than I intended.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that while I wish I could have the means to travel all over the world and learn about other people’s experiences and culture and way of life, I have been lucky.  Despite all the issues, my parents have always made it a point to try to travel to other places to see and absorb and learn, and I realize I am fortunate because of that.

My friend came back from Ethiopia recently and was generous enough to give me some pre-mixed shiro-bebere powder that her coworkers gave her.  It was amazing because I know I’ll probably never have the chance to visit Ethiopia, but making it and having it for dinner was a unique and exciting experience.  I was thinking what, puree onions and tomato?  Who does that?  Ethiopia does. And it’s freaking delicious.  And it was obviously more authentic too because a native Ethiopian made the mix.

We made a trip to the Indian grocery store and I got so excited by things like their roti, badam, and of course, bru (instant coffee.  TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE DIVERSITY IN AMERICA.  EAT ALL THE FOOD.


Blessings:

  1. My friends and I were planning our next upcoming get together, which would be a bit more venturing and walking.  I was a bit worried that I might get exhausted.  My friends said they would be happy to push me around in a wheelchair so I could save my energy.
  2. My friend told me I would be one of her bridesmaids when she gets married.  I didn’t realize how happy that would make me when I heard it.  ❤

I had gone through a phase a few months ago of “I can do this!” planning to work out every couple days.  That only lasted for about three-four weeks, and then it got cold or something and I fell off the wagon, unmotivated and sinking into a bit of depression on my limitations.  The physical limitations really do weigh on your mental health.  Misery can be a constant companion, but you gotta remember to reach for your other friend too, perseverance.  Consistency… whatever it is, I need more of it.  I need to get on my own ass regarding my goals that I wrote in my previous post.  I want to transform my chicken legs and get some abs, just become fitter and lose 3 pounds.  Will stop just saying, must do too.

Must not let depression, limitations, and other people’s problems stop me.  It’s all noise.


Today’s Favorite Songs:

 

Empty- Olivia O’Brien

“I wonder if I’m good enough… pretend there’s no tomorrow…. I wish there’s no tomorrow. But I’m empty inside x2, I just don’t feel alive, and I don’t want to live but I’m too scared to die”

Pursuit of Happiness – Kid Cudi

Accomplish, accomplish, accomplish

Beauty of goals is that you can make many, and as soon as you achieve one, you can make new ones.  They could be professional, personal, social, anything.

I’ve been showered with love from my friends this 25th birthday, especially without asking for it.  I feel pretty lucky.

I also feel accomplished that I raised a fundraiser of $100 for WWF, expecting nothing but actually reaching my goal within two days.  Generous friends I have.

Hopefully, this money really goes towards helping the animals in need and helping our planet become just a bit better.


I need to make new goals.  It feels a bit like I had some straightforward goals but fell off the wagon lately.  I’ve been quite busy, considering it’s me and I need many rest days in between events and tasks.

Having gone to Harry Potter World was something that’d been on my goals list for a few years now, and that’s complete!  Lung transplant evaluation, over with!  Fundraiser for birthday, done!    Also planned to do a week of each country’s culinary cuisine, but only managed to complete week of Korea and a bit of Japan.  Putting that on the back burner for now.

Still, it kind of feels like I’m wandering aimlessly and should be working hard towards new goals.  I have fallen short on my Datacamp courses, and need to really get a leg up and dedicate myself to it this month of March.

I also feel like my body has become weaker, but there’s so many factors into why that it can be hard to tell what the reason is and whether it’s permanent or temporary.  Hard to tell if I’m supposed to rest more or to push my body a bit to activate it.

Another goal I’d like to work on is getting healthier and more fit.

And it’s almost March… I need to figure out what job I’m going for as the weather gets warmer.

Also gotta clean my room and do some chores.  Seems like there’s nothing and everything to do.

So as a summary… for March:

-Accomplish Datacamp courses, write a detailed schedule to stay up to date

-Work out more, try to gain some leaner muscle  (no skinny fat)

-Continue lessons on Korean and Spanish

-Find a part time job I’m passionate about

-As per usual.. remember self-care to forgive myself, my body, accept that I take things slowly and one step at a time.  Take time to socialize with friends and do fun things when I am able.  Take medication, do treatments, try to not become sad.

Random Late Night Thoughts- On Lung Transplants and Perspective

On Goals and Motivation:  The beautiful thing about goals is that you can always achieve them and make new ones, the possibilities are endless, and you have a lifetime to keep going.  When I was a kid, I read this book about this really old man who decided to go to school and teach himself how to read.  It was really inspiring.  He could’ve decided to stay home and been embarrassed or made himself sick with worry on what others would think of him.  I think a lot on our battle with these inner demons and realize that at the end of the day, our biggest challenge in any goal is overcoming our own mentality and insecurities.  They could be something as apparent as being in a wheelchair or having a stutter, they could also be secrets of our past that we’ve buried deep but still influence our daily thought process, and seep into our choices and actions in life like poison.

Goals can be big or small.

My smaller goals lately have been mostly to aim at realism.  I want to make goals I can achieve more immediately- cooking new kinds of food, learning a new language, focusing on building my mentality and body.  All of these are goals as long as you chip at it each day and work towards it, they aren’t less valuable or successful than typical dreams like becoming rich or becoming a movie star.  The hugest part of reshaping my mentality the past recent years was to becomes strong enough to go through the lung transplant evaluations that I knew were leading down to a path of not a maybe, but an eventually.  I had many meltdowns at night and at the hospitals because the fear was always hanging over me, my anxiety became so bad I freaked out at the very idea of sitting in someone else’s car or trying to fall asleep.  It felt like the world was weighing down on me when anyone even tried to make me talk about it:  because I could get away with it sometimes, I wanted to shove the parts of me that was ill away and try to carry on looking fine and dandy and blend in with the “norm”.  I was determined to live the life of a regular kid, to worry about friends, boys, and all the petty drama that came with it, handing my paper in on time, getting a job.

I need to take a moment now and appreciate myself and the fact that I went through that and got through it in 2017.  I don’t often reflect on how far I come, I usually focus on what didn’t work out.

Recently, one of my goals was to go through Harry Potter World in a wheelchair for the first time, and not break down.  Check.  Huge win for me, even though it’s not the same as everyone clapping and cheering for you on stage or something like that.

When I think of this and all that I went through, I almost want to laugh at how petty everything else compares in life:  when I get frustrated or disappointed with people, stressed over things I don’t have, and most of all, finding out how entitled and weird people are out there that you come across at your job.  I remember being annoyed and complaining about it, but the truth was I felt happy.  Happy that today, I got to be “normal” and complain about petty things like other people who don’t really matter in your life anyway.  It’s just noise.  Letting things get to you and affect you negatively is draining- you gotta choose what is important and worth being stressed over. This is something my dad has constantly reminded me growing up about not being too sensitive or upset over everything.

There are always going to be situations and people who suck.  You can’t go through life only meeting nice and good people, never getting hurt – and I don’t mean just by strangers or acquaintances, but the people closest to you sometimes – yes, your friends, your family.  But that’s how you learn and grow each time.  Who other people are, what you can reasonably expect, how you can deal with the situation better, how you yourself can be better.

I had an epiphany recently, and that was the realization of just how low my self confidence has been.  I always knew I was shy and reluctant to open up to others, but I was thinking about how I subconsciously approached my friendships I’ve had in a way as if they were not only valuable to me, but that I owed them the world for taking the pity and time to be my friend at all.  As if I brought nothing to the friendship, and had to spend the rest of my life trying to prove that I am worthy of being a friend.  I tried to be more extroverted, bubbly, happy, to smile and be more fun.  To go out of my way when I could for them so they wouldn’t see my flaws.  And when it didn’t work out with the friendship, it cut me deep. To the core.  I would be resentful with them, disappointed that they must’ve seen that I didn’t measure up and was too much of a burden.

  1. There is a difference between understanding who is precious in your life, but also understanding your self-worth and all that you contribute with your presence and actions.  As from the movie “Wonder”, it’s okay if you were born to be different and to stand out.  Embrace it.  You are worthy of friendships, and as long as you try your best and care for them, they are lucky to have you.
  2. True confidence comes from within. Today I came to the revelation about how regular people can walk 5-10 times more than I can at 2-5 times the speed and still don’t get tired…. how do you not feel fucking invincible??  I would.  My second revelation… if you can feel at peace and accepting about yourself even as you sit in a wheelchair with no make up on as a bunch of people you know stare at you and question you, then you’re still fucking invincible. (I haven’t reached this point of invincibility yet ._.;)
  3.   I used to think of a strong mind as a fortress, one that can protect itself from negativity, and barricade positive vibes within.  But now I think of a strong mind more as a temple- why? Let the negativity enter, sit there even.  And STILL be able to have your positive vibes rise up higher than all the noise- this is what constitutes a strong mind.

“All that shit will feel petty when you feel pretty” -Dumbfoundead

Merry Christmas (Gratitude) 2017

So I’ve noticed that even though my blog is a personal place to spill out all my thoughts and feelings and emotions, as a result it has also reflected a lot of the dark moments and worries that pass through my head.  Today’s post is about taking it back to what the whole point was of starting this whole blog, which was the intention of focusing on happiness and the journey to it- which brings up gratitude, a neighbor of happiness.

  1.  The obvious basic:  The obvious basic things I have to appreciate living in a developed country is that I am never starving, always have food to go for when I’m hungry, and that I always have a roof over my head with a comfy room.  All my loved friends and family are still alive, especially my parents, who do so much for me.  They support me through my illness, support me financially in terms of living expenses and anything else I need, like paying for medication, picking up my medication, and dropping it off for me right away.  They bought me my laptop and my android phone in the recent years. I get to keep myself clean and well-groomed with hot showers and baths which are especially useful when I feel low.
  2.  The materialistic:  Even though yes, studies show that experiences and meaningful relationships matter a lot in relativity to happiness, the second thing I have to list in terms of gratitude is more materialistic.  I don’t desperately need anything (besides my health lol), but there were a couple things I had on my wish list, and I honestly didn’t expect to seriously get any of those things this year.  However, I got most of them, either gifted by yours truly (to self lol), or by friends and family.  First off, my first pair of Adidas Ultraboost!  (Stella McCartney in clay red) in size 4.5, on sale and notified to me by one of my friends.  I was given a pair of red Beats headphones by generous friends who claimed they didn’t have any use for it.  Third off, this Nordstrom leather jacket I’d been pining after for about two years- it was finally on sale during Black Friday and I saved over $100, although it was still quite pricey.  I bought myself all the Yesstyle products I had in my favorites just as an impulse buy, and these included a Gudetama make up sponge, a cover up mask, a Shu Uemura eyelash curler, charcoal toothpaste, etc.  #Treatyoself I also received A+ class chocolate and the most amazing German mug ever from my childhood best friends.  This mug was my favorite at my neighbor’s house because it’s thin, tiny, and curves outward, which makes pouring and drinking so much easier and funner!  26036991_10156088952223960_1789629163_o I also received more gifts surprisingly.  My two friends bought me a portable white noise sound machine and a wine red laptop sleeve I’d been wanting to protect my Mac with! These were on my wish list, and I honestly did not even remember sharing the list.  My mom’s friend also dropped off a LADY M crepe cake!! Holy moly, those cost $90, I looked it up.  So excited to eat it.  Also, I still have my college secret santa gift to look forward to.  But finally, most precious of all, is that my parents came home last week WITH A PUPPY!!!  My mom fell in love with a schnoodle who is heterochromatic.  She looks like a hybrid between a dragon, bat, rabbit, and alpaca.  Her name is Moonchie and she is a feisty one ^_^25990644_10156088957248960_1147577110_n
  3. Miscellaneous:  We’re going on a Disney trip soon, and even though there are many things to be worried about, the bottom line is I’ll finally get to try butter beer and see The Wizarding World of Harry Potter omg.  I also feel like I have somewhat of a grip on what my goals are, and I’ve outlined them for each day.  Just a lot of self-improvement, self-exploration, even as I’m stuck at home.  Learn to focus on acceptance of self, being less jealous of others, staying hungry and mindful of said goals.  Trying to make the best of it with my time and opportunities to quietly work on SQL, R, Python, and also this International Humanitarian Law course I found on Coursera.  Datacamp is also this wonderful source I found.  I want to work in data science or analytics!  There’s so much to learn, but I actually find it pretty fun to solve each example.  I also borrowed some books to read at home that will hopefully give me some fictional fun as well as knowledge.  In terms of other issues I’m passionate about, Asian representation is actually existing a tiny bit more these days.  Mindy Kaling and Awkwafina are both cast in Ocean’s 8, Jay Park got recruited into Rocnation, and BTS is making waves in the music industry by performing at the AMAs and collabing with other huge artists!

I have so much.  Even though most of the time I can’t seem to be able to make myself look at the positives, right now I feel as satisfied and full as the feeling you get after you stuff yourself with a huge meal + dessert.  Preferably pumpkin pie a la mode.  Or Lady M OHOHO.

 

Wake Up Call: Steps to Motivation

  1.  What I realize is that it’s important to acknowledge what’s not okay, it is therapeutic to take a break and treat yoself, vent your frustrations (to the right people), and then-
  2. If possible, meditate and focus on what’s still solid and good in your life.  And finally-
  3. Also if possible, work on motivating yourself, and-*
  4. (If possible lol), work on improving yourself.

*The Step 3 is important because motivating yourself, whether that means forcing your ass out of bed, giving yourself a pep talk, finding someone else to encourage you, is definitely a step all on its own, but people tend to skip it.  Without Step 3, Step 4 is nearly twice as difficult.

In application to today, my frustrations:

  1.  That hospitals are as susceptible to fuck ups as any other organization or business, except it’s people’s health and lives at stake.  Today, I was almost given an arterial blood gas test when it wasn’t ordered for today- some problems with printing or administration reasons.  Good thing I made them double check.  All the more vital to be aware of your own shit.  Treat yoself:  I spent quality time with my friend, took a moment to be proud that even on a comparably grumpy day, I was productive, and then of course, bubble tea.
  2. The positive:  I have a select few great friends who are willing to help support me and my burdens in this tough journey.  Today, I vented my frustrations, and my friend listened patiently, but also helped guide me gently with her advice, which is always so precious and useful and calming to me.  Secondly, I came home to my mom telling me she got into a car accident, and after initial shock, for a few seconds I tuned out her voice, just being fully aware that she is still in one piece, in front of me, and that I still have a mother.  No one was injured.  Thank God.  I am lucky and still have so much to be grateful for.
  3. Dragging my ass to to Upenn again made me want to complain incessantly, but writing on here is my way of motivation and clearing my head.  I want to keep working with the mindset that if I were to die tomorrow, what is the legacy I have left behind?  Have I made a positive difference in anyone’s life, and have I contributed usefully to this earth while I was on it?
  4. The rest is obvious, in that my friend was proud of me that I have been slowly, but surely so diligent in achieving my goals of studying and eventually obtaining my Google Analytics Certificate.  This is one goal that I will not let go as it is totally doable and there is no excuse for me not to have it.  The rest is being able to forgive my friend, even if it takes a lot of time, something I was and am having a hard time being able to do, because there was a loss of trust and loyalty, and that is everything to me.

#chroniclesofthechronic