Yeah… just a blink ago, my brother remarked on how he was starting to attend weddings and other adult things that seemed 20 years away. 20… LIGHTYEARS AWAY. Cause now it has reached me. Yep. Me.
Newsfeed on facebook, all day, e’eryday, people be getting engaged with their couples pics and bling bling rings, and even POPPING OUT LITTLE HUMAN BEINGS.
Like, time is supposed to be slow, but it is speeding up lately. On a scale of MY personal level of stress, it’s been a solid 5.5/10 lately, which is not too awful. But mostly, I think it’s probably a topic I’ve written about quite a few times now, and that’s how everything around me lately especially with my friends is related to couples, and relationships, and engagement/wedding talk. I feel like maybe I’m exaggerating, but then the topic comes up and I’m like nope, I am not imagining this.
And I want to be chill, content with who I am and my own journey and all those philosophical quotes that remind you about self-acceptance and all that, but then I have so many moments where I cool down and all the doubt and uncertainty of the future floods in. I’m constantly wondering now how much my potential really is in career, in how confident I am in my standards of dating, and my ability to continue trying my best to get my shit together, or appear to have my shit together, while enjoying life in the now. And it’s really difficult – I definitely feel like I have so many to-do lists constantly, from the small to the big, like laundry, and laundry, and food prep, and insurance things, and doing that thing for my dad, and counting my finances, and worrying that all the meanwhile that I try hard to be in the now, everyone else has planned out their next steps, whether it be a trip abroad, moving in with their bf in the following year, or getting into grad school.
And while I haven’t been exhausted in that out-of-breath way too often, lately I’ve been sleeping A LOT. Remember when I had major insomnia and anxiety, to the point of feeling psychotic? Now I nap around 3-4 hours a day on the weekends .___. I don’t know why, and I don’t mind too much, but why am I sleeping so much?
All I can do now and continue to try to remember all the things on my weekly to-do list, and to try to go to the gym on a constant basis, stay patient on where I am in the workplace, and try to navigate and learn whatever I can. Stay as healthy as I can be. Find the line between ambition and satisfaction.