“She needed a hero, so that’s what she became.” -Pinterest somewhere
Sometimes, life gets to you. And I think especially with people dealing with chronic illnesses, it can feel so constant and repetitive like a truck repeatedly running you over.
These days, as the weather gets colder and colder and we hit the 20s at night, I am more and more susceptible to darker thoughts of depression and wanting to give up and lay in my bed forever, to avoid all risks and perils of being outside. I had a moment a couple nights ago where I realized it was food poisoning later, but that night I felt such discomfort and anxiety that I felt like I was going to lose my mind… I had been feeling this crazy anxiety all week, and insomnia was hitting me so hard again. My body couldn’t relax, my thoughts were clouding my mind, and as much as I wanted to calm myself and tell myself that it was all temporary, just a bad night of nightmares mirrored in reality, I got scared with fleeting thoughts scattered into my brain of temptation. The worst kind of temptation, where I thought it would be better to slit my wrists, drown myself, than endure more of this never-ending suffering. And I knew I would never follow through with it, because at the end of the day, it does take just as much courage to end your life as it does to choose to keep going, and I picture images of my parents looking at me, horrified by how much work they invested to help me, and I failed them. But I felt like I was being repeatedly punished anyway when all I wanted to do was be. Not constantly survive, but just exist. Float around, and try to achieve some “normal” milestones in life, like get a job, maintain a social life, date, explore. Because all of that isn’t already hard enough by itself, right?
The feeling I’d been having deep in the pit of my stomach lately is mainly anger, and then guilt. Feeling like I am not a good enough friend, or daughter, while struggling to fix what’s on my plate. And trying to make sure I’m vulnerable and open to other people with my struggles, but not overburdening them or scaring them away with the amount of problems I have. Nobody likes being around unhappy people.
In addition, once you share that information with people, it can either go really well or downhill. People might start to distance themselves and you become “the Other,” the sickly one they don’t really want to deal with… or they start hovering and panicking and treating you like you’re really different and need assistance with every little thing, like you’re useless. That’s how my grandma and cousin reacted and it became really exhausting and annoying quickly. Or I suppose, there were the few handful of great friends I still have now who have always treated me like a human being, but put into consideration my needs whenever I needed, and I will always treasure and love them for that. Sharing their day and problems with me, just as I do, the way it’s supposed to be: Equals. No pity, no ignorance, none of that shit.
Secondly, trying so hard not to be consumed by fear. Fear that I am not capable of being loved, that no one will ever be able to or want to deal with me, fear that I have nothing to offer them. Knowing all of it is not true, yet somehow still standing here, wondering.
Thirdly, just the isolation. This is about to sound real emo, but it’s crazy how many times I’m surrounded by so many people, yet feel so alone.
Some days, I’m able to work through it and just think, fuck it, I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Just breathe. Other days, and it’ll get worse as we get deeper into winter, I can’t help but feel shackled to a singular spot, paralyzed by the knowledge that I both know and don’t know. What I can expect, and can’t expect to have out of life.
And then the people that I feel relatively comfortable around and at peace with, at the same time, don’t. I’m tired of hearing people use the common response “Pray about it.” I very much want to give in that it’s out of my hands and part of a greater plan, but I can’t. Do it. Maybe it’s my resistance to giving up which is what it would feel like, or my inability to just hand over my faith blindly, and I want to pray to God and ask him for help, yet things in life still keep rolling on whether or not he’s really answered.
Am I believer? I don’t know. Do I believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins and is our Savior? I’d like to. But I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.