- Low-Value Care: as opposed to more effective or less expensive alternatives, “overtreatment”
- Lack of Price Transparency – seems arbitrary; most insurances apparently base prices on a “cabal”, or private small group which determines price values of medical procedures and care
- Administrative Complexity =overspending on administrative costs
- Mandatory Budget includes Social Security and Medicare, which is increasing deficit; however, it is political suicide to suggest cutting spending for the disabled (grandma, Veteran, etc). One solution is to lower overall healthcare costs, which Obamacare (ACA) addressed by including coverage for preventive costs, catching illnesses and diseases before they become ER visits or cancer treatments, aka more expensive costs.
Ok, it’s technically March 2nd now, but I intended this for the first day of March.
Good news- last Tuesday, my Upenn visit actually had improved results! Barium swallow went ok although it was unpleasant, and then my pfts went up! to 60%! I think I was wary of being too excited about it like I was last time, because the fact that the doctors don’t know why it goes up or down is really scary. It could so easily drop again, so I don’t want to celebrate too soon, but I think finally this week it’s starting to kick in and I’m starting to allow myself to dream again and envision a future I want. The doctors think it could be a combination of anything they threw at me, including a possible delayed effect of the steroids back in December, or the additional medication they tacked on, and the fact that I was exercising more diligently.
Honestly, even though it would be great if pfts went up more, I don’t want to be greedy, and I’ll let myself be satisfied as long as the pfts are maintained over 50%.
I’ve had this recurring dream that even though I already earned my high school diploma, I keep being stuck and for some reason, because I have no other options, I am repeating the same year of school over and over again, even though my age keeps going up. It’s a bit of a nightmare in its ordinariness, but I always feel unhappy in the dream, sitting in class listening to some teacher in the background, until I come to the realization that I don’t need to be there, and I don’t need to ace the upcoming test, because I’ve already graduated.
I also have this other thought that kind of concerns me a bit. I wonder if reversed, if I had a friend like me with the kind of complicated, invisible condition, if I could put up with it. The little things like letting them have the bed because they have terrible sleep and desperately need every ounce of energy, or being willing to pay more to accompany them in an Uber as opposed to the subway, or getting the weights for her so she can save the actual little bit of energy for lifting rather than carrying the weights back and forth. All my close friends have done this for me, and I always felt like a terrible burden. I also realize that I’ve always been a very impatient person. I was restrained by my health, but now that I am more free, I’m not sure if I could really stand being so patient after being forced into patience my whole life.
I’m also gaining more weight than I’d like. For some reason, I don’t know if it’s my diet necessarily, or my steroids or what, but the weight gain is bothering me a bit. I went from 113 to 117 when I weighed in this past Tuesday, and then then next day hit 118, the heaviest I’d ever been. But the following day, dropped to 115. Now I’m actively dieting and working out more again because I’d really like to hit 113 by the end of this week, at least.
My ideal weight is 105-110. I’m pretty sure I can do it, because I know what I have to do. Last time I lost the steroid weight by eating oatmeal and a banana or boiled egg every breakfast, and just cutting out more sugar. I don’t like having a weird turkey neck and puffy cheeks, and having a muffintop so that I can’t even properly bend down to pick things up…
The other day, I passed by the vehicle registration center… and I was planning to go in to register myself as a donor. But then for some reason, last minute I swerved and continued straight. I’m not sure why I did that, what was I scared of? I guess I didn’t want to confront the possibility of death so soon, even if it was only a possibility. But I know it’s what I want to do, but it’s still a scary thought to think about.
Today was a really good day, from beginning to end. It’s been a pretty long time since I’ve had a solid good day where I wasn’t constantly sleep-deprived or worried or just somewhat restless and anticipating the next bad thing. I just lived in the moment, and it was awesome to forget all the things I’d been thinking about nonstop. And it’s so nice to hang with somebody where it’s just effortless and fun, even when doing boring things. Aka, my best friend.
First, we watched Avatar with our other friend online for about 1.5 hours, a solid few great episodes ending Season 1. Then got ready to go out for a bubble tea and grocery shopping trip. I’ve been trying to push myself more, and find active reasons to go out and move around more and exercise. So I grabbed my portable oxygen, and we went to the new bubble tea place to try it out. This was my second trip, and I wasn’t impressed with their salted cheese drink… it was just ok, just not something I’d crave in the future. And also more expensive than I cared for. Then we impulse-decided to go to Sunmerry and satisfy our craving for the best salted cheese green tea, only amplified by the mediocre salted cheese drink we just imbibed. With that first sip, the world was right again. Then we drove to Hmart to grab dinner, of which as we were standing there pondering, the sushi became 50% off, what a win. Then we went hunting for her ingredients, and I also found an ube extract that I can use for future ice cream flavors and for cake! So excited to try new things- I’ve got the Philadelphia Teaberry flavor extract “saved for later” list on my Amazon account- that’s next! (I’ll also be receiving my cruelty-free bareminerals make up and metal cookie/ice cream scoopers soon! That will make my life easier.)
Grocery shopping took a pretty long time, and I could feel my energy waning and burning up. Finally, we sat down for a bit and then ran into a slight bit of traffic on the way home, due to all the pedestrians and police officers piling around the streets, hoping to catch some firework sights. Then, after some rest, we set off fireworks on my driveway, which was a pleasant end to a pleasant day with good company ^_^
I am officially 26! … I have graduated from the bracket of age 18-24, occasionally 18-25. Apparently I’m not truly “old” or in my “late 20s” until I’m 27.
I feel really lucky to have wonderful family and friends to make me feel loved. Even though one could argue that my quality of life has gotten worse, that is only physically. Mentally, I’ve become stronger, not without the help of therapy. My perspective on life has changed, and I’ve grown more hopeful and better enough to fight for a future that could improve my possibilities of things I could experience, a life that I had only imagined since I’d grown up. I’d be able to run, hang out with friends an entire day without feeling exhausted, I’d never feel short of breath again from walking a couple blocks or walking up stairs, and I’d never have to feel that dizzy, wobbly, bursted feeling whenever I did try to push that boundary.
I was pretty satisfied with a casual hangout with my college friends last weekend, and determined to enjoy the present for all the happiness it offered. I kept getting expected and unexpected love, which included 3 delicious cakes, two books, a Nintendo Switch, a Nordstrom gift card, a heated blanket, balloons, flowers, and a lovely Cajun style seafood dinner with family.
My heart is full, and all these memories just remind me not to take anything for granted, and to keep trying my best for an optimal future with the people who matter most.
P.S. Got another last minute visit from my friend and her baby today (Tuesday)! He is growing up so fast, this is my first time seeing a baby every couple months, and it’s crazy to me how quickly he picks up things and how beautiful of a child he is. I also have firsthand appreciation of a mother’s full-time work in looking after another human being. They gave me an orchid plant and another birthday balloon! Whoo-hoo. For reals, most of my life I was bitter and resentful of anyone who I thought was a friend but ended up not being there for me. It may be because of my change in perspective, but all I feel is joy in mattering in other people’s lives, and that I have friends who offer to drive me to UPenn at all touches me. We don’t know if we have another minute, day, week, years, or a lifetime to spend with our loved ones. I’d always been on a rush to live as fully as possible whenever my body allowed me, and it only makes me more determined to live longer and healthier because now I have fully understood the meaning of life and my place on this earth, and I will not take it for granted if I had a second chance.
- Since my diagnosis is obliterans bronchiolitis, with a lung transplant, technically should be cured?
- Would the lung function immediately be high, or would it be low and slowly improve over time?
- Two incisions under boob (video assisted thoracic surgery? or one across? Dr. Cantu had mentioned two incisions which heals faster)
- How would we know when we can go off the ventilator?
- Are we very conscious the days following surgery?
- Chest tubes I heard are painful ?
- Dr. lee mentioned some improvements made since the time I got evaluated 2 years ago- can you give me some more info on that?
- Support group —> particularly for parents; and info session link.
- How would the cold affect my new lungs? i know sick people are risky, how would that compare to cold weather?
- Dr. lee would present to case, then would i be activated on the list?
- When we get the call for a lung transplant, do we get to know what the age is of the donor, besides high-risk factors? What are the determinations for a qualified donor lung?
- What is the opinion of the lung transplant’s team ?
- Can I go skydiving?
215 662 6200, press 3 for lung team
Emergency call 215 662 4000, ask to be connected to provider on call.
I think because I’ve had therapy for 4 years, I’ve gone through the 5 stages of grief. Obviously, I’m not “ok”, but I’m okay enough to understand and accept that this is what I have to go through eventually if I want to live.
My mom on the other hand, is definitely going through all stages of grief. I think even though doctors have told her in the past, she was always in denial and firmly kept believing that there were other things she could do to maintain me where I was. Like giving me chinese medicine, having me avoid certain foods, and being upset at my dad because he didn’t move us to a warmer climate (California). While it may be true that that that could’ve helped, or prolonged my diagnosis, it is also true that that would not have been a cure at all. Functioning at 19% was a miracle for the time that I’ve grown up, but I had never known otherwise.
I’m really worried about my mom and how my parents will handle this, particularly if it goes south. She kept having a meltdown and saying that there’s no point in living without me, that her meaning in life was for her kids and her family. It is really burdensome for me to hear this, and part of what is making me uneasy and hesitant to tell the lung transplant team that I’d like to move forward. Her stress is understandable, but it definitely is bouncing the stress over and over between us. I want her to separate our lives a bit, because like Michelle Obama said, you are only responsible for your own happiness. My acceptance and peace that it could all end up okay was faltering, and I ended up having a terrible nightmare of me being chopped into pieces like ham, and being sewn together with body parts of another person. I saw blood on the bedsheets and all that, it was pretty horrifying.
I also had doubts that I’d have the strength and determination to swallow all those pills daily for the rest of my life. But of course, when I thought of the bad things, I forgot about the good things, and vice versa. I was trading in my life now, for a new life where yes, I’d have different risks and complications, but I could be able to breathe and run and dance and travel. I think I would feel superhuman at that point.
Also, the cabin fever is really wearing me down. Every winter, I feel like I’ve lost my mind, and wonder how I was able to make it through each year. Quite honestly, the quality of life imo is appalling.
As an INFJ, I am often more prone to thinking with my heart than my brain. Oftentimes, my emotions overran calm logic, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve aimed to create an equal balance between the two in order to lessen anxiety.
Even though I had a difficult piano professor in college, I did learn some really important lessons that I applied to other aspects of my life.
One of the major things she taught me was that I was in control. The piano doesn’t play you, you play the piano. Often times, I would attempt to let my fingers fly across the keys, in my younger years depending heavily on muscle memory. I learned as I grew older that developing a method of 100% precision is not possible with just muscle memory- while useful, the mind is prone to blanking out, especially when overwhelmed onstage with a thousand eyes on you. The only way to ensure no memory fumbles is not to rely on the memory. Instead, you must perfect control over the keys, and that means studying each note, individually, as each finger plays one and expectantly lands on the next, not just through muscle, but through mind. In conclusion, sometimes “winging it” is not the right plan – sometimes, you just gotta prepare as much as possible in as many concrete ways as possible.
When you focus your practicing, you are also wasting precious time and efforts if you are playing a piece from beginning to end over and over again aimlessly, with no conscious intention on what particular segment needs to be fixed, or breaking it down by specificities: what is the greatest technical pattern to practice in this section? What is the tricky fingering in the left hand here, and do the dynamics between the first and second contrast each other well? You practice intention as much as the physical action itself, which means you can greatly improve performing your piece by listening to 10 different artists’ recordings and interpretations, studying the pages away from the keyboard. Basically, exercising intent and logic is just as important as processing your emotions and feelings.
So that’s what I’ve been applying to in terms of the management of my chronic illness. Both onstage and offstage, I am susceptible to bouts of anxiety and panic attacks. There are factors both in your control and out of your control, and the most you can do is prepare to the best of your ability what is in your control, the rest is out of your hands. What have I taken control over? I guess I feel the culmination of all my work leading up to this point right now. I’ve felt overrun to a pulp by all the insurance crap because there are so many complicated pieces to it and it’s confusing af. I’ve felt completely overwhelmed by the whole decision making on my quality of life, the goals I want to achieve and the health problems that are obstructing my way to those goals being achieved.
As a feeler, I don’t really have much problem talking about my problems and connecting to others emotionally and empathetically. I actually may have too many feelings for my reservoir for feelings, so the first step in this journey was to control that to the best I could, which led me to a concrete plan of:
- Therapy – I have anti-anxiety medication which has helped tremendously despite my hesitation to take it. It has maximized my productivity to tackle shitty feelings when shitty things occur along with boring, complex adult things like insurance, and more emotional control so that I can put more energy into more motivation and focus on completing tasks that are rarely fun or exciting, but necessary.
- Education – I have spent a lot of time to inform myself as much as possible on whatever the problem is. When you have a greater understanding of things, you have a better grasp on things, and therefore will lead to less anxiety. I have poured hours into reading up on lung transplants, statistics, and asking questions on the internet and to my transplant team, who I trust very much, with my life (literally). Just like organizing and breaking down a piece of music to conquer it, I have taken time to reflect on mini goals and research. What are the risks, what is the medical process, recovery time, what can I expect in the beginning, middle, and end? What are the finances in terms of insurance coverage, who is my support team, and what are medical opinions on how I’m doing?
- Non-Medical Goals – social life, family and friends, other goals like work/career, travels, relationships, personal habits and new skills to learn, what are my priorities and how do I break down the steps to achieving them, one day at a time? What are my passions, what is my mission in life, how do I want to impact the world?
While playing with heart and passion is always an important factor to your success as a musician, conveying emotion also requires technique and technical methods to break it down efficiently. So here I am, trying to meditate a bit and bring in some calm, and today I completed some insurance tasks. To give an idea, here are some of the things I did today:
I liaison between my dad’s company adviser, my dad, and my therapist, the insurance company, and my physicians to produce a letter and other documents proving that I should stay on my dad’s insurance plan after the age of 26;
I called my insurance company’s behavioral health department to confirm the steps to receiving teletherapy care with my therapist;
I sent in a request to the insurance company to update my PCP for a new card;
I reorganized my list of medications and verified their approved pick-up dates with the pharmacy, also re-ordering one of them.
I proceeded to watch Hasan Minhaj’s correspondence dinner on Youtube, began reading a new book (“The Bonesetter’s Daughter” by Amy Tan), did my daily 15 minutes of Korean, spent some time chatting with my best friend, and am now going to clean out my bag and organize everything.
The greater process requires equal parts to yield optimal results.
Be your own fucking boss. Get in control. Even if often times, it doesn’t feel like it.
Aka my therapist.
One day I was rambling about my insecurities and how anxious I felt by what other people thought of me. I was probably describing one of the many moments in which I used a handicap spot or some other form of assistance, while aware of someone’s eyes on me, observing, probably judging whether I was abusing the system or just straight up not actually ill. My paranoia was always getting the best of me, and it’s a very vulnerable feeling, when someone’s singular subtle action or movement could destroy you in a breath. Why do we let people control us like that? Why do we tend to care so much what other people think?
My therapist said to me at this point, that I was battling two things. The first was the very real struggles I deal with, emotionally and physically, the things I can’t fix, factors completely out of my hands. The second was myself, and very fixable in how I perceived, intercepted, and reacted. It was so cliche, but the way she said it clicked for me. Why was I creating an extra layer of struggle when I had enough to juggle on my plate? Wasn’t it enough that fortune or people made life difficult, why was I piling on more for myself? It was just extra, useless energy.
These were the reasons why I posted on IG and confessed publicly for the first time in my life what I was facing, the burdens that I kept buried for so long. What was the point of keeping them secrets when this was fate and things were going to happen the way they were going to happen regardless? In the grand scheme of things, did it really matter who knew and what they said and thought? People will think what they want to think at the end of the day. And when we reach this point, the end, there really is nothing much else to lose. I’m surrendering it all by laying it all out before me.
I think more and more on what imprints I’ve left on this world. What is it that I want to change, and how is it that I want to be remembered?
A vaguely terminal illness will bring this mentality to the forefront, especially when I’m feeling the real effects and symptoms on my body. I broke down so hard last week that I felt like there was probably nothing left in me to go on. I felt forgotten by the rest of the world, and wasn’t sure at this point it really mattered if anyone did reach out to me to tell me otherwise. My mind spiraled so deep into a really dark future filled with more pain, repetitive suffering, a never-ending uphill battle, where no matter who else talked to me, I was the one who would have to go through it alone, the demise and suffocation, feeling the slow burn failings of my inner workings. I didn’t want to go through it, I wanted to halt the brakes, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I was tired of my mom coming in to help me with every single thing, I was tired of feeling like I was inhaling only 10% when I needed at least another 40% more oxygen through my airways. I was so sick of my heart rate speeding up over 140 bpm if I so much as sneezed. I guess I felt dead inside.
I called a friend, even though I felt so dead that the majority of me didn’t really want to see anyone or contact anyone. If I passed on, people might be a tad sad for a bit, but at the end of the day, people would move on, and that would be all. My friend miraculously cheered me up by staying optimistic and upbeat and keeping some part of me in the realistic loop of the rest of the world’s rhythm, about work, and driving home, and eating, and other mundane tasks. We talked about stupid things, and the distraction definitely pumped a bit more energy back into me. Things would be ok. At least for now. I would make it through, at least this time around.
I want to write a wise journal entry today about how I’m thankful that I have a roof over my head, food to eat always, and my family, friends, and still some independent ability, but all I feel is negativity. Not depression at its worst as I’ve felt before, but on a scale of happiness, it definitely drooped more. Especially considering it’s summer and should be the highlight period of my year.
Let me jolt down some actual and pessimistic thoughts and conditions lately:
- I felt very frustrated and angry that someone at work falsely accused me of abusing my grandmas handicap placard to HR. First off, one grandma is deceased and the other is halfway across the world. I felt very wronged and misjudged, and not even able to confront the situation as I don’t know who reported me. I felt angry that with all the shit I’m dealing with, I have to justify my legal use of trying to help myself out and make life just a tad easier. I also would rather not be short of breath and constantly exhausted that I have to take a poorly paid part time job. This incident has made all my other issues affected by my illness amplified, and I am aware that I am in a poor attitude mode these days and have been very short tempered with my mom, and barely tolerating incompetent or creepy people at work. Guilt- the definition of feeling and hearing someone’s elses feelings and thoughts louder than your own, and them fighting in your brain.
- Leading to my next point, I also would rather not have to go to Upenn every single month and do a bunch of unpleasant tests like bloodwork, cat scans, following up and scheduling with doctors, going to a psychiatrist, therapist, taking 10 diff kinds of meds each day, and also having other symptoms exacerbated by my weak body. Trust me, I want to appreciate my body that I have one at all and appreciate any functions it does have, but right now, I just want to complain about all the bullshit I deal with.
- Relationships and Weddings:
- Everyone around me is in or getting into a relationship, and it feels like their lives are all planning or moving on towards the next step: moving in, getting engaged, getting married. I want to feel confident in my singleness, but I don’t. It’s kind of gotten to me and made me feel left behind even more so in all the other ways I feel left behind, and I wonder if it’s me or just the circumstances that I happen to not be in a relationship. I went to a bbq this past weekend and literally there was only couples there, besides me and my bestie. Possibly 3 other single people, out of 30-40 people. Also, my friend is planning her birthday, and my entire friend group asked if they could bring their significant others.
- Making the “left behind” feeling worse, I realize that while I am grateful to be a part of anyone’s lives at all, I also feel shitty that some friends I thought I was at least decently close with in college haven’t invited me to their wedding- I was told not to take it personally, but it just reminded me of all the times growing up and in high school where I struggled to find solid friends, and how I was always the one on the fence that people thought of maybee inviting to their parties and events.
- On the other hand, it made me worry even MORE that if I were to be chosen to be part of someone’s bridesmaid or maid of honor, would I even be up to the task? I may be too busy taking care of my health to even make it to their wedding or event, and that makes me unreliable (my health, but aka me). It’s not fair, and I really want to do those things for one of my friends. And my best friend isn’t even planning on dating or getting married, so I don’t even get to 100% be someone’s maid of honor -_-
- I’m thinking, am I going to literally live with my parents and depend on them forever? For awhile it felt like that was an okay situation, but then my mom would say little things here and there that would add up, and make me feel a little nuts and wish there was some space between us where I could have more independent choices, and not constantly have to put up with another opinion on my clothes, etc.
- I had a major headache at the bbq this past weekend, and so I didn’t enjoy myself or socialize much with anyone at all. It was all I could do to be present at the bbq at all. I was so tired and just wanted to be out of the house and have a break from my house and parents. I went to Upenn today, and had a fever of 99.8, and even though my cat scan shows that the cavity walls around my hole in my left lung is thinner aka less inflammation, the lungs have slowly but surely been progressively deteriorating. So it’s like I’m falling down a giant decline on a mountain and this news was just a slight rock hop before continuing screaming and falling down the decline.
- I want to break down and cry, and I feel all this pressure and tension inside my head and my neck and shoulders, but it’s not coming out. It’s stuck. I had an upset stomach and also my nose started bleeding again, and although it’s a bit dramatic I feel like my body is falling apart all over the place. I literally just fixed my yeast infection and eye dryness. There isn’t even anyone that I can target all my pain and anger at, that I can just direct a giant “FUCK YOU’ to. It’s just luck, fate, whatever.
- Trying to be mindful of human nature and not getting too greedy with what I want. Two months ago, my main goal and source of happiness would be to just get hired for a job, any job. Now I’m tired of it and finding the work very uninspiring and feeling like I’m undervalued and just doing bullshit repetitive work. I suppose this is normal, and at least a “normal” problem to be stressed about. But then I think about what could’ve been, how far my potential could be, and how I will probably never know because I am constantly being limited by my body.
I’ve started my second week of work, and I remember thinking of my last job and how excited I was just to have a job and be healthy enough to go to work everyday. After a couple months though, the excitement wore off and the work became mundane- I felt restless and uninspired, not to mention the weather got colder and more difficult for me.
I had this thought at the end of last week that it seemed I was nearing the end of my training and picking up most of what I could pick up at this job and place, but I really hoped that wasn’t the case. Thankfully, I think I still have a lot to learn, and if I do well and still last here 3-6 months later, maybe I’ll get a raise or they’ll consider moving me to another higher position in data. Ideally, my image of “making it” career-wise would be to climb up the ladder in terms of data analyst, then data scientist, of which the avg annual income is ~$100,000. Even though money isn’t everything, it would definitely be one less thing to worry about and would make life a little easier. My hospital stay for just 8 days last year ended up costing ~$50,000… I don’t know how people are supposed to survive and pay that without insurance in America. Definitely a huge problem. It’s inhumane not to provide people with the basic ability of maintaining their health and welfare.
I’m glad that compared to certain peak times of my life, these past months I haven’t had to visit doctors an incredible amount- I have to take off once a month so far, and I try really hard to book my appointments for other things after my work ends, which is possible because it’s part-time. As I grow older, I become more and more aware of spending money practically, and investing in things I need. Really need. Like work clothes. What I WANT are a nice new pair of bose headphones and for my mac computer to have sound again, but so far, I am living life fine without either. Shout out to you Sean if you’re reading this lmao because I use bluetooth on the sleep machine to get sound when I connect it to the laptop 😀
So what I want to be thankful for now, and what I have to keep reminding myself when I start to feel bored or annoyed that I have to go to work, is that it is a blessing to have the ability to have a job and to make it there everyday. I remember those cold winter months where I had really bad winter blues and was alone and so frustrated that I was just full-time sick, watching everyone else simply have opportunities to hit their goals. I don’t need anyone to hand anything to me, I just want the opportunity to earn it. Because now that I am not down with the flu/cold or my lungs are fucking with me and I can manage my current job so far, I feel confident that I have the drive and the ability to learn and make it to where I want to be. As long as life doesn’t throw more shit at me (which I know it will), I can do it. And that is one of the biggest leg ups I have over my competition. I know what it’s like to simply not be able to try. When you’ve never known what it’s like to have a chance feel like it’s completely robbed from you, you don’t know anything else except to take it for granted.
I know I’m not earning that much right now. But it’s a step above not having the ability to earn anything at all. And even if I get fired now, I already picked up so much on the corporate world in one week, and other random technical jumbo I never thought twice about that impact our lives very much, that it’s okay: I know it wasn’t a waste of time. Absorbing knowledge is great 😀 I’m starting to migrate towards analyzing real work this week in their many Excel sheets… my biggest wish is that the learning doesn’t stop here and I’m not stuck doing this for weeks on end, or for the rest of my position there. Give me a chance to prove what I can bring when illness doesn’t prevent me, and I will kick ass.
So I always feel like I’m not doing enough. For myself, for other people. It’s a lot of pressure. I’m consciously making an effort to think of all the things that I AM doing though, and there are a lot of things actually that I’ve worked towards and improved on despite all the other regular shit going on.
- Crisis Textline Volunteer – in the process of being trained. I already agree with a lot of the things I’m being taught in the guidelines and videos, so that’s a good sign. I worry that I won’t be able to handle it emotionally and will feel like a failure. But I still think it’s a good challenge to try. Text HOME to 741741 if you’re looking for support.
- Starting a new job as a Data Entry Specialist this upcoming week- again, feeling like I might be a failure if I can’t hold onto this job or feel sick and end up quitting/getting let go. But that’s another thing I’m working towards for summer plans, and I hope I at least learn something.
- Dating – Yeah, I had an anxiety attack last night thinking that I’ll never find somebody, but I did go on a few dates and it’s probably hit the end of the road in that department for now, but whatever I tried lol yay me.
- Seeing friends – I’ve definitely made a huge effort to stay present and updated in my friends’ lives, and I am pretty content with my social life at the moment, which is a rare thing.
- Body – I’ve hit my weight goals and also hit the gym 9 times the past month, which was my original goal all year long and I wasn’t able to hit that goal until recently. I do see mild tricep/bicep lines, but legs and butt still feel like sticks. Regardless, I’ve also taken up Sunday yoga again and I’m happy I forced myself to do that because it does help more or less. My parents also go on evening walks and my dad goes on a few runs each week, so I’m also proud of them!