Happy birthday to me~

The time in college when I felt like all was lost and there was no one there for me, there were a few people who were there for me actually.  But I couldn’t believe it because my mind was so locked in a dark place, that when anyone actually extended a kind hand to me, my mind just kept telling me that they pitied me and were too nice to not help me out, that they were doing it not because they wanted to, but because it was the right thing to do.  I was not myself, I was the most desperate version of myself I’d ever been.

I remember rambling to my best friend and telling her about this feeling, and she told me that just because they were kind to everyone, didn’t mean their care towards me meant any less.  I never felt like I had any true worth or added anything valuable to someone else’s life.

I also kept denying that I was turning 25, because it felt like I could no longer make excuses and dumb it down to me just figuring it out in my early 20s.  My friend told me how she felt our other friend was really living the life, with a great job and a great boyfriend, like all the puzzle pieces fit together perfectly for her.  For me, if my friend had not shared her worries and her problems with me, as an outsider looking into her life, she had it just as great too:  great boyfriend, great job.

I always kind of hated birthdays… instead of celebrating myself, it brought me anxiety, it was a reminder of another day where nobody seemed to care much or reach out to me.  I’ve worked hard to shift this mindset to focusing on the people in my life who are important and here to stay:  they are not necessarily intrinsically important.  They prove themselves important by the constant actions and the relationships we work hard to maintain and cherish throughout each year for each other.    The people who care will come forward in times like this to show you love.

I hate using the word “blessed” but today I do feel blessed.  I felt mopey and was in denial of being so old.  But my friends have popped up without having to, to simply show me they matter and I matter.  Today, I didn’t feel depression even though it was gloomy and raining.

I even had positive dreams for a change and woke up feeling good.  My mom left a box on my bed, and I found a dainty beautiful necklace inside.  My friend showed up last night with a cake from one of my fave places, and today my friends took me out to dinner and then we spontaneously visited another friend’s house and played intense games of Mario Kart.  I just don’t remember the last time we laughed this hard at stupid things.  Another couple friends drove to my house at 11:30pm to give me bubble tea and wish me happy birthday.

I also have my puppy.  It was a good birthday. #Blessed.

P.S.  The birthday celebrations continued!  Yesterday (Tue. the 27th), my friend treated me to dinner and we got drinks (I got some odd bourbon pear cider thing), and THEN she told me she also got me a gift she forgot to bring and donated a lot to my fundraiser to WWF. MAN. I am just, inspired and overwhelmed by her generosity.  I GET SO EXCITED when I come across a great human being in my life ^_^

P.S.S. I am adding these PSes on the 28th today.  I got cramps.  Life sucks again.  Not so exciting anymore.

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Shoutout

This is a quick shoutout to all my chill friends in my life that keep me as chill as I can possibly be, since I find myself being anxious, stressed, and ticked off almost all the time, especially as of late with little to no sleep.

Oh, and nightmarish dreams when paired with said little to no sleep, starts to borderline into mild hallucination.

“You’re either a Blessing or a Lesson”

I found this quote somewhere on tumblr a long time ago, I think it might’ve been said by Frank Ocean but don’t quote me on that. This particular thought always stayed with me with the way I interacted with people.

As a homeschooled child, I never realized how naive my expectations for other people in the world were.  In a sense, I probably believed I was better than everyone else, in that I held myself to high moral standards, and my friend once told me that I was one of the few people she felt had such a moral compass who would never do the wrong thing or hurt someone.  My college years, I learned two things:  the full extent of my ability to hurt somebody I cared about (even unintentionally), and second of all, just how wrong the assumption that others hold the same beliefs, perceptions, or morals you do is.

I entered college beginning to experiment so that I could find my sense of self, both on a personality and aesthetic level- I made mild changes such as growing my hair long, got it ombre’d, began wearing some make up, piercing my ears, paying attention to the way I dressed more and how I carried myself.  It was such a sense of vulnerable freedom, to spread your wings out yet knowing that the immediate safety net of your parents weren’t beneath if you fell.  I tried to reinvent myself for the better- the cooler, more confident version of me.  To my disbelief, I was not quite a wallflower anymore, and even though I was still really shy, I forced myself to try to venture out my shell, and realized people not only seemed to notice me, but liked me.

However, my confidence was still in a budding phase, and the few people I felt a click with, I attached myself to quickly; I saw only their great qualities when they showed me a small act of kindness, and without realizing it, I subconsciously put them on a pedestal.  And then the first time they broke my trust or let me down, I felt myself spiraling downhill.  I wasn’t sure why my sense of other people’s emotions were so heightened, and oftentimes I can’t fall asleep at night being overwhelmed by all the problems that exist everywhere: I wish I could turn it off.

The intensity of my personality has given me the ability to observe and for the most part, see each individual clearly for both their flaws, potential, and beauty.  Everyone possesses both “good” and “bad” qualities, and these traits are what make them unique. I grew up seeing the world in black and white, but now I see that many things fall in the gray. Things don’t always work out in life, and we might end up becoming lessons in other people’s stories, but that doesn’t mean we should stop striving to be blessings.

As for ourselves, once we realize not everyone around us think on the same wavelength, we can reach a better understanding and be more tolerant and take things less personally.  If someone wrongs you, they are simply a lesson; move on, and cherish the ones who are blessings.

Embrace your strengths, and continue improving the rest.

Happy Valentine’s Day

To my father- who tirelessly works to make sure we have everything we need.  Who singlehandedly comes home from work in the late evening, but still has time to run errands, wash the dishes, cook dinner, vacuum the house, watch Jeopardy and Family Feud with me at 7pm, help with GREs, and fill up my humidifier for me before I get to bed.  Drive me to Penn Hospital, make my favorite beef noodle soup, and let me nag him endlessly on eating healthier.  Who patiently listens to me and tries to cheer me up with punny jokes that are only sometimes punny.

To my mother- who always did her best to put our needs before hers.  Who moved to a foreign country to give us a better life, and lecturing us to make sure we knew the value of hard work and discipline.  Who would stay up late nights to give back rubs when her child was feeling discomfort or had trouble breathing.  Who would make sure they were warm enough every night.

To my brother- who in his own way is there, trying to be there in his own way.  Who is a solid role model to look up to by taking care of himself and being successful and independent.  Who spoils with Christmas gifts, comes home on the weekend with a birthday cake, makes sure the family is somewhat sane, and who wrote a Facebook post saying how proud he was of me.

To my neighbor and childhood best friend- who played with me despite me being different, who carried my oxygen tank around the playground so we could hang out, climbed Mabel (our tree) and broke her damn arm and didn’t sue me, survived our friendship despite a brief fallout in middle school, tolerated my Korean drama life, and saved me from my darkest hours.  Who is goofy, doesn’t give a fuck about others who are rude, has no censorship, and burps the most wondrous sounds.

To my high school best friend- who stood up for me when others didn’t, offered me sanctuary at her house, generously showed off Chicago (Bean and Deep Dish Pizza, ‘nuff said), and genuinely cares.  Who is level-headed, intelligent, and kind.

To my college best friends- who fended off Brazilian men who came on too strong (and maybe other dudes) for me, housed me as the 5th roommate, fed me,  braced awkward moments with me, listened, argued, encouraged, and comforted, whose willingness to drop me off in front of places so I don’t get sick, carry my heavy bags, Tinder troll with me, debate the meaning of life, tolerate rants and rambles, and accept me.

Thanks.  I love you.  End sappy letter.