Chasing Inspiration

The word inspiration is so easily thrown out sometimes I feel like it can lose its meaning.  I think maybe these days I’ve in a rut or just stumped, and I wonder if I should take it more easy and not stress and overanalyze on things, or if I should push myself more to chase inspiration and find it.  It can often feel like most of the people around me have their life figured out, even though I know it may not be the case.

Things I’ve been doing to try to get inspired:

-Listening to music on Spotify A LOT and listening to modern classical pieces, as well as asking friends to send their favorite music to me

-Reading a bunch of books and working my way through this UN article on accessibility

-Worked out late last night with yoga, squats, and curls, and realized how quickly I became out of shape 😦 Felt rewarded though for setting aside 1.5 hours to focus solely on my body.

-Constantly tracking my diet and my liquid intake (HYDRATION!!!)  Reading up on nutrition and browsing tons of vegan and other recipes online (I bake a different recipe each night).

-Stalking musical and other types of people I admire on Twitter

Current book- “The 48 Laws of Power”: 

“Never waste valuable time, or mental peace of mind, on the affairs of others- that is too high a price to pay.”  

“People are of infinite complexity and you can spend a lifetime watching them without ever fully understanding them.” 

I’ve only read the preface so far, and I can see this will be a hefty book to get through, but I’m intrigued.

Conclusion after preface:  Power is always present and in effect whether or not you’re consciously participating in it.  Learning how it works and at least being aware of it is good, so that you’re not taken advantage of by other’s manipulation (whether they’re conscious of it or not)

Keeping my eyes on the prize:

My lung function had decreased by almost half, and it was pretty disheartening to see.  I felt a bit more hopeful since after exercise it went up by a few percentages.  What will get me through this winter is all mental.  You need mental to do the physical.  Mental is everything.  I need to keep trying my best so that I am ready for the day I am “free”.  I may have written my to-do list already, but these are some of them that I look forward to:

  1.  Traveling with a friend somewhere, and then all places on my immediate list (Vancouver, Yosemite Park, Portugal, Seville, New Zealand, South Korea, Singapore.)
  2.  Interning in a different city/country for 3 months
  3. Ziplining with a beautiful view
  4. Doing a 5k
  5. Wicked at Broadway, and walking all over NYC

Winter To-Do List:

-Coding bootcamp prep

-Lose 4 pounds and get fit

-Read up on accessibility

-Record some new compositions

-Korean 15 min a day

-Attempt networking

-Make a personal website (?)

-Stay alive

 

Productivity and Savoring

I’ve had a solid good week.  Been feeling pretty good lately.  It’s a combination of I’ve been making conscious choices to keep busy and stay productive, to make the most use of all the energy I have now, and my parents are also in a good mood.  The weather’s been pretty perfect lately, in that 70s range, so I get to go out on walks.  Last weekend, my brother came home and we went to a farm and also hiked.  The day before that, we walked at Duke Island Park, and both days averaged around 2.5 miles, so I felt pretty accomplished as I’d been trying to hit 2 miles for awhile.  The next goal is to stay at 2.5 miles more consistently, and to eventually hit 3 miles, then a 3k marathon.  I’ve been busy grocery shopping, cooking, hanging with friends, spending quality time with my parents and my dog, enjoying the weather, and today, I was pretty productive and proud of myself.

My parents finally went to Sojo Spa, which I was happy about since I was worried they would just never use the gift certificate I got my mom for her birthday last year, and that it would be too cold soon for them to go.  Thankfully, Sojo told me their certificates don’t expire.  What made me happier was that my parents thoroughly seemed to enjoy their time there relaxing in the saunas and spas, and also the beautiful view on the Hudson River.  They also enjoy the food I cook and the things I buy from the grocery stores, and that makes me feel happy to feel useful and to be able to contribute more now that I can afford to health-wise.

I have categories that I have to pay attention to, such as my nutrition and exercise, finances, social/fun activities, and goals towards my career.  I’ve been feeling pretty good in the nutrition and exercise category, although I could do better.  I seem to have hit 104.8 lb today, even though I mostly ate fruit and veggies and chicken noodle soup.  I’m trying to taper off all the sweets I splurged on since I could eat sugar again without being diabetic.  I would be happy at a 101-102 lb range, and also because the steroids I’m on have fluid retention in my cheeks, neck/jawline, back of neck and stomach.  I feel slightly unattractive, but I know there is potential to get stronger and change those things, so I feel hopeful and motivated to be more in control of my diet and exercise now.  The only thing I think I am suffering most in now is finances, but it’s not like I’m living in poverty.  I just need to stay on task for the skills I need to build up in order to eventually get a job next year.  There is a lot I can learn independently these days with the internet and all the free resources.  I can’t wait for the first trip I can take with a friend next year too!!  Been planning out a ton of itineraries lately and bucket list.  It’s so exciting.

I’ve been savoring many moments lately, appreciating every hot shower I take, appreciating that I can wash dishes even after I cook because I now have the energy to, and being grateful that my parents worked hard their whole lives to save up so we could live in a beautiful house with a nice deck, plants, and a big backyard.  It has become more and more apparent to me just how blessed I am, that every single thing I own and have is not anything I “naturally” have a right to.

I started watching the new season of Terrace House, and I really enjoy it so far.  There is something really zen and relaxing about this show.  I also have been making an effort to study and read up on some coding for at least an hour each day.  Today, I spent about 2 hours practicing Op. 10 by Chopin, a piece I’d always wanted to know how to play by heart, and also playing with Moonchi.  I also spent some time reading “The Chinese in America” by Iris Chang, a book I’d borrowed from the library for a few months now and never truly got around to.  It’s very interesting, although not necessarily a relaxing or fun read, it’s very informative.

Enjoying Life

It’s really easy to be stuck in a state of anxiety these days, and my sleep has been pretty inconsistent.  Whenever I have so much as a headache, my state of mind goes into panic, thinking it’s the first step towards rejection or infection, and the thought that I could easily land in the ER again tomorrow.  I’ve been trying to take it day by day and relax more, and the upside is that I enjoy every little good thing, and I am more willing to live in the moment and train myself to stay in the present.

It’s a bit hard to find that balance between staying cautious and careful especially in public (i.e. wearing a mask, staying away from crowded places), but also not to the point of being miserable and being fearful of enjoying life.  I’m happy to listen endlessly to Spotify because I can focus now, without nausea or feeling overwhelmed by the sounds while in pain.

I’ve had a constant headache these days, but noticed that it goes away when I go out, either for a daily walk or just to hang with a friend.  Every week, I look forward to little plans like catching up with someone, eating new foods, cooking different meals, writing and planning itineraries for future travel, and possibly grad school in a new environment, or studying towards a career goal so that I am more prepared when I can start actively going out in six months.  I am super excited to go grocery shopping by myself, buying bubble tea, eating mozzarella sticks and all the foods I couldn’t eat before.

Each day that I am not feeling ill is a blessing, and I am constantly reminding myself of this; it has been the upside thought when I am feeling anxious and stressed about the future.  Train your mind to focus on the positives.

On Toxic Relationships: how long do you hold on before giving up?

So… I grew up pretty desperate to have friends.  I didn’t realize this at the time, but wow.  Any friend who would take me, I was pretty happy and excited.  Being homeschooled sucked in that regard- nobody in school really bothered to invest in you as a friendship, so I was invisible.  Even when I was there, I was always so lethargic I don’t know how I made it through looking back now.  And I realized that some people who vaguely knew I had some sort of illness didn’t want any part of me there.  That feeling stayed with me for years, and entering college, I thought freshman year that I had gained some tremendous confidence… but it was fake confidence.

At my core, my confidence was riddled with holes of insecurity, so the foundation was crumbling still, but I didn’t know.  I thought with the fresh start at a new place, I could keep my illness as hidden and buried as deep as possible for as long as I could, and in situations where I had to end up bringing it up, I felt like a torn individual holding my breath, backed up against the wall by their pending judgment.  So… it wasn’t true self acceptance.  Yet.  People thought I was cool, really nice, and even attractive (LOL).  Some people even thought I had dated a lot because I seemed so confident?!  Haaaaaha.

And the time came when I met new friends who were nice to me.  Who seemed to accept me.  I gave all of me, and more into building those relationships… it was exhausting.  I was in a new place, I needed friends to eat meals with, to just hang out with, study with.  I was content to find just one or two solid friends, but hunting was hard when most people were hyped up to party and go nuts, especially the first year.  I wanted to fit in, so I tried.

But I felt burnt out a lot, giving a listening ear even when I was stressed out about my own issues.  I had a ton of music pieces to learn, yet I had this one friend, the first solid friend I found, who often needed my help.  When I first mentioned it to my mom, she warned me not to give away too much help so freely.  Especially my efforts and time.  I didn’t understand what she really meant at the time, and got annoyed.  I felt my mom was too jaded with the world and pessimistic. My friend needed me, so I wanted to prove that I was valuable and worth it.  I didn’t know how to say no, I need to focus on myself right now.  I never said no.

By the third year, I started to get fed up more and more as I noticed this consistent trend where the friendship was a one way street.  She found a boyfriend soon, I was always the leftover one.  She only made time for me if she needed something or if her boyfriend was busy doing something else.  She would out of the blue ask me to grab coffee, and I would excitedly say yes.  But then she would somehow whip out her chinese homework and sweetly ask me what the answers were one by one.  She would ask to study together, then ask me to see my Works Cited page.  She would barge into my room 10 minutes before class started to ask me to use my printer for our senior project class, making me late because I walk slower, multiple times.  The one time my printer actually was malfunctioning and I told her, she got mad at me.

She would say she’s hungry, if I could make ramen for us, and that she would do the dishes. This was the final straw, and the moment I truly burnt out.  Throughout many other examples such as this, I kept trying to convince myself that it was just a phase where she was going through something difficult and really needed me there for her.  I woke up the next day and realized she had not done the dishes, so I grudgingly rolled up my sleeves and did them.  It was this moment where she came out her room and needed to vent about something serious- it was in the morning, and I was not in the mindset to listen, I was tired of our entire friendship to be honest.  I tried to say something helpful, but knew it was useless.  She actually stared at me, then went back into her room and slammed it.  Yes.  Slammed it.

A few nights later, we ran into each other in the art building and decided to talk it out.  I wanted to explain to her for the second time ever that I felt this was a one way friendship a lot of the time.  She got angry with me that I was upset about the dishes not being washed when her problem was more important- I agreed.  But I realized that it was not about the  dishes.  It was the entire friendship that was wearing me down.  She said she felt it was pretty equal, but that she was sorry.  It was always so easy for her to apologize.  After a while, it felt a bit like it had lost its meaning.

I wanted to care about her and be there for her, but I was finding it extremely difficult to juggle on top of everything I was going through on my own.  There were a few moments where she listened to my problems or something, but each time, she would count it.  She would bring it up the next time I tried to explain how I felt and recount how she had done this one thing for me.  I never kept track. It rendered me speechless how she always remembered anything she had done for me and wanted public credit for it (she would ask me if my professor knew she had helped me with an assignment one time… I got a B- on it anyway).

After that talk, a part of me completely burnt out.  During this friendship, it made me paranoid about my other friendships- did I perhaps treat my best friend at home this way?  I tried to look back on our serious talks- all of them had been me ranting or being upset to her, almost never the other way around.  I called her up one night, crying because I was so upset.  I asked her if it felt very one way to her, that it was always me who needed her help.  Even at this, she excelled at comforting me.  She told me, if she ever brought up feeling that way to me, how would I respond?  I said, I would feel so awful.  And she said she knows that if the time ever came when she needed me, she knew she could rely on me to be there in return.  That was probably one of the most comforting responses I’d ever heard in my life.  She told me that while it was important to be there for that friend in school, I was going through a lot of bullshit in my own life.  Was that friend ever truly there for me back?  The answer was not really.

And this was the moment where I wondered… did I hold on enough?  Did I give up on her in a time where she needed someone to hold onto?  Was it selfish of me to let go?  I knew that if I was going through a rough time, I would be so sad if a friend faded away from me.  But what I didn’t realize was that was already kind of the case.

Self care.

Looking back at times, I wondered if perhaps I was too harsh regarding her.  If she wasn’t really that bad, but I was too sensitive and had made it up in my head.

Recently, I realized I went straight the opposite of who I was.  I became the jaded person who tried to care less about relationships with people, especially new ones.  To expect disappointment as an eventual outcome.

The truth is somewhere in between.  There will be disappointment for some of the people you meet in your life.  But not all of them.

You should still keep moving forward.  Still try your best in regards to how you treat people, but also understand reasonably that it’s not likely they will all have your best interests at heart or reciprocate.

My senior year, at our small college I felt that I had met everyone I was likely to become friends and was very close to accepting the fact that I’d be a loner and graduate with no friends.  My therapist at the time encouraged me to keep trying to get to know other people outside of my prior friend group, in which all ties to each other were burnt bridges.  Despite feeling close to certain that there was nobody left and that was probably something perpetually wrong with me that drove people away eventually, I found a really good group of friends that remain strong three years later.  We don’t see each other often, but I know none of them would backstab me or treat me like I was treated.

I should still treasure the friends I have now the way I did, but not to prove my worth as a friend.  Just because I genuinely care and I know both their worth and mine.  I do not deserve to just stick on to anyone who will take me, I deserve more than that.  I can bear to choose who to invest what energy I have in.  At least on my part, I’d like to continue being remembered as the dependable friend.

Random Late Night Thoughts- On Lung Transplants and Perspective

On Goals and Motivation:  The beautiful thing about goals is that you can always achieve them and make new ones, the possibilities are endless, and you have a lifetime to keep going.  When I was a kid, I read this book about this really old man who decided to go to school and teach himself how to read.  It was really inspiring.  He could’ve decided to stay home and been embarrassed or made himself sick with worry on what others would think of him.  I think a lot on our battle with these inner demons and realize that at the end of the day, our biggest challenge in any goal is overcoming our own mentality and insecurities.  They could be something as apparent as being in a wheelchair or having a stutter, they could also be secrets of our past that we’ve buried deep but still influence our daily thought process, and seep into our choices and actions in life like poison.

Goals can be big or small.

My smaller goals lately have been mostly to aim at realism.  I want to make goals I can achieve more immediately- cooking new kinds of food, learning a new language, focusing on building my mentality and body.  All of these are goals as long as you chip at it each day and work towards it, they aren’t less valuable or successful than typical dreams like becoming rich or becoming a movie star.  The hugest part of reshaping my mentality the past recent years was to becomes strong enough to go through the lung transplant evaluations that I knew were leading down to a path of not a maybe, but an eventually.  I had many meltdowns at night and at the hospitals because the fear was always hanging over me, my anxiety became so bad I freaked out at the very idea of sitting in someone else’s car or trying to fall asleep.  It felt like the world was weighing down on me when anyone even tried to make me talk about it:  because I could get away with it sometimes, I wanted to shove the parts of me that was ill away and try to carry on looking fine and dandy and blend in with the “norm”.  I was determined to live the life of a regular kid, to worry about friends, boys, and all the petty drama that came with it, handing my paper in on time, getting a job.

I need to take a moment now and appreciate myself and the fact that I went through that and got through it in 2017.  I don’t often reflect on how far I come, I usually focus on what didn’t work out.

Recently, one of my goals was to go through Harry Potter World in a wheelchair for the first time, and not break down.  Check.  Huge win for me, even though it’s not the same as everyone clapping and cheering for you on stage or something like that.

When I think of this and all that I went through, I almost want to laugh at how petty everything else compares in life:  when I get frustrated or disappointed with people, stressed over things I don’t have, and most of all, finding out how entitled and weird people are out there that you come across at your job.  I remember being annoyed and complaining about it, but the truth was I felt happy.  Happy that today, I got to be “normal” and complain about petty things like other people who don’t really matter in your life anyway.  It’s just noise.  Letting things get to you and affect you negatively is draining- you gotta choose what is important and worth being stressed over. This is something my dad has constantly reminded me growing up about not being too sensitive or upset over everything.

There are always going to be situations and people who suck.  You can’t go through life only meeting nice and good people, never getting hurt – and I don’t mean just by strangers or acquaintances, but the people closest to you sometimes – yes, your friends, your family.  But that’s how you learn and grow each time.  Who other people are, what you can reasonably expect, how you can deal with the situation better, how you yourself can be better.

I had an epiphany recently, and that was the realization of just how low my self confidence has been.  I always knew I was shy and reluctant to open up to others, but I was thinking about how I subconsciously approached my friendships I’ve had in a way as if they were not only valuable to me, but that I owed them the world for taking the pity and time to be my friend at all.  As if I brought nothing to the friendship, and had to spend the rest of my life trying to prove that I am worthy of being a friend.  I tried to be more extroverted, bubbly, happy, to smile and be more fun.  To go out of my way when I could for them so they wouldn’t see my flaws.  And when it didn’t work out with the friendship, it cut me deep. To the core.  I would be resentful with them, disappointed that they must’ve seen that I didn’t measure up and was too much of a burden.

  1. There is a difference between understanding who is precious in your life, but also understanding your self-worth and all that you contribute with your presence and actions.  As from the movie “Wonder”, it’s okay if you were born to be different and to stand out.  Embrace it.  You are worthy of friendships, and as long as you try your best and care for them, they are lucky to have you.
  2. True confidence comes from within. Today I came to the revelation about how regular people can walk 5-10 times more than I can at 2-5 times the speed and still don’t get tired…. how do you not feel fucking invincible??  I would.  My second revelation… if you can feel at peace and accepting about yourself even as you sit in a wheelchair with no make up on as a bunch of people you know stare at you and question you, then you’re still fucking invincible. (I haven’t reached this point of invincibility yet ._.;)
  3.   I used to think of a strong mind as a fortress, one that can protect itself from negativity, and barricade positive vibes within.  But now I think of a strong mind more as a temple- why? Let the negativity enter, sit there even.  And STILL be able to have your positive vibes rise up higher than all the noise- this is what constitutes a strong mind.

“All that shit will feel petty when you feel pretty” -Dumbfoundead

Spiraling Down Confessions

The other day, I spoke very freely about my therapist and some of the medications I’m on, and I was speaking to a couple friends that I consider myself close with.  Then they casually mentioned their therapist, and it caught me by surprise because all this time, I had never heard them mention it before.  But then again, neither had I.  And the thought occurred to me that it was the mental health stigma that keeps us all wary, even if subconsciously.  I know I always fear being judged even by friends when I do decide to mention it, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m insane or I have some issues they don’t want to be a part of. In college, I had some really deep talks with people I’m not even friends with anymore- you’d be surprised how many people confess to you in private that they are struggling and attend therapy, or feel they need it.

But why do we fear judgment so deeply?  Therapists are wonderful listeners, and they always help me talk out my problems and find the light at the end of the tunnel, after figuring out first what kind of tunnel it is.  Literally anyone could use a therapist, even if they’re doing relatively okay.  That freedom of having someone who is solely there as an objective source to help sort out the mess your mind is in itself priceless.  Especially some dudes, who are worried they don’t seem “macho” if they admit they have emotions and personal issues.  Which one is harder, acting like you don’t have a problem, or talking about it?  Then maybe consider growing a pair, or rather, shrinking your pair so you can become a woman, because women are probably much stronger in that regard.  How do you expect to improve if you can’t even admit the problem exists?

What I wish to work on, is freeing myself of the fear of judgment by others.  How nice would it be to honestly not care?  For me, I go through this constant cycle where I’m sort of okay, to just discontent and dissatisfied, to full out emo, to pretending I do not actually exist and tuning out to become as much of a vegetable as possible.  Struggling with depression ain’t easy.  Just yesterday, I had said one of my goals was to try to be less jealous of others, and have less pity parties.  But literally today, was one of those days where you wake up in a half charged mode in fighting spirit, and every accomplishment or fun experience someone else near you is having feels like a straight up diss to your face, as it was a reminder and reflection of how unswimmingly your own life is going.

I go through these modes where one incident triggers my depression, and then the following incidents, which could literally be anything, build on that, and I start to slip and spiral downwards into a deep, dark hole.   What is the point of doing anything?  People don’t care.  People are terrible.  People suck.  Life feels empty and meaningless.  We all die at the end anyway.  I’m unhappy- how do I make myself unhappy?  What is the solution here?  A lot of it ends up just being strengthening your mindset and ability to overcome.  But every so often, when these triggers happen, I start to think “fuck, not again.”  I’m so tired of being so tired, and sick of being sick, and repeating, rewinding my mood.

Why is it so hard to be happy?  How do I learn to own myself by sharing and being open about my life?  I’m worried nobody wants to be burdened, nobody wants to listen.  I wish I could just think, “Please, I honor you with my presence and my words” but what I’m thinking is “Please don’t judge me.  Please stay.”