It’s come to a point in my life where I feel like I’m living two lives. I try really hard lately not to separate the two, but there are always certain moments that so clearly remind me how there often feels like two separate realities.
When I’m alone playing Toon Blast or Youtubing, it’s pretty chill now actually. Sometimes when I’m stressed, being alone made it worse, but lately because I have work and some sort of rhythm to my daily schedule, being alone is now nice to unwind. I find ironically, that the moments that remind me most of my circumstances is when I’m at a party and hearing them talk about their lives. Although my confidence has definitely grown throughout the years, the insecurities suddenly make themselves apparent through the most subtle and casual conversations. Couples outnumber the single members, and all the talk surrounds wedding dates and engagement plans. I find I have nothing to contribute, and I’m also feeling insecure that my personality does not blend in seamlessly with theirs. I always feel like I’m the misfit in any group, and sometimes I really think it’s a me problem, and not a general “it is what it is.” Perhaps I am not engaging enough, outgoing enough, I don’t have that spark that naturally draws people to me.
And while everyone chatters happily about their career, their significant others, their last trip abroad, my mind browses quickly through what my own contributions to the conversation could be, and it comes up with all negatives. Yes, I can say I have a job now, but it still feels like it’s not enough. I start to think there’s something wrong with me. Part of me is too introverted, the other part just doesn’t have the energy, literally, to make my presence known and memorable. I’m the floater who’s sometimes there, but no one would miss me if I wasn’t.
And if you really wanted to know what’s going on with me. I’ve been going to therapy to become comfortable with the idea of my decreasing health and that I must become mentally prepared to die, whether that’s in the next year, 5 years, or 10. How’s that for a party downer? Even as my own friend is talking about her wedding, this thought seeps into my head, what if I don’t even make it to your wedding?