Losing My Rhythm

Yeah… trying to stay on the wagon and the momentum but instead of keeping my eye on the ball, the eye is kind of wandering and looking elsewhere, the prize is looking a little out of focus.

One day I can wake up feeling relatively upbeat and feeling that drive, but the next I’ll wake up feeling the physical aches and translating to mental energy loss as well.  I start to second guess myself and wonder if I’m worth ever being hired, and if I were, if I was ever meant to be able to hold onto a solid career and maintain it without sacrificing my health and ending up in the hospital again.

I scroll through my private Instagram, and to watch the journey of a woman close to my age go through the whole lung transplant process, and to slowly die, waiting for another chance to breathe and live, I am getting secondhand agony and secondhand anxiety:  is this the predetermined path for me as well?  The answer is yes, and yet I want to look away.  Because if I stare at it too long, then I will lose all resilience in the other goals I want to accomplish in the meantime.

I’m reading this really enlightening book called “Sapiens:  A Brief History of Humankind” and it’s a very thoughtful, well-rounded reflection that is bursting with info from evolution, biology, history, to religion and revolutions of the human species.  I have to say, it held a lot of questions about Christianity and all the strange potholes and contradictions that have always made me a bit uneasy.  But to imagine that we are truly alone in our struggles and are left to suffer mindlessly is also pretty depressing.

I feel lately like I am doing so much yet nothing at all.  Accomplishing nothing except making it to the next day relatively healthy, and trying to build at doing normal productive things like exercising, spending time with family, reading, learning, and hanging out with friends if the weather and my body allows it.  I sometimes feel proud of myself, but then I’ll look at a friend or someone else’s life, and it makes me so overwhelmed wishing so hard that I could do better, and that it is never enough.  To have a job to go to everyday, to travel with friends, to have someone hire me and believe in me and validate that I’m worth it despite all my problems.  I want to have a moment where I can look at myself like, yeah, I made it.  I did this.

What I keep reminding myself is that it is already a huge accomplishment that in comparison to my taking steroids 5 times last winter, I did not get sick at all this winter. Of course, it was at the expense of staying home most of the time to minimize risks and exposures, but it is still a good thing to stay safe.  I have spent my time wisely lately and in dragging my ass to the gym and watching what I eat.  I am almost at my target weight of 105 lbs, and I have been eating cleaner- mostly filled with oatmeal, boiled egg, chicken, and lots of fruits and veggies.

If I cannot obtain my career dream at this point in time, I will continue chasing my other, which is to push my body to the fittest it can be.  I want abs of steel, stronger thighs to walk with, my bicep and tricep lines to show when I flex, a butt, and a better posture with chest presses.  I was walking yesterday and realized that I was much more aware of the muscles in my legs, and it encouraged me to continue being persistent.  To feel like I got hit by a truck every time will be worth it in the long run when I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I’ve built.  This is one of the days I can work towards in my control, as long as I don’t get sick and I keep up with what I’m doing without getting stagnant again.

My body is kind of what I deem a bad charger- it needs a lot more rest and charges at such a slow pace that while other ones are hitting 100% in 1 hour, mine is hitting 19% by then if I’m lucky.  So when it keeps hitting close to 5% and I’m getting warning signs, I must force myself to rest so I can get back up a few percents.  This has taught me to be much more efficient in the 19% I have- and while I’m at my version of full capacity, what am I going to spend that energy on?

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Wake Up Call: Steps to Motivation

  1.  What I realize is that it’s important to acknowledge what’s not okay, it is therapeutic to take a break and treat yoself, vent your frustrations (to the right people), and then-
  2. If possible, meditate and focus on what’s still solid and good in your life.  And finally-
  3. Also if possible, work on motivating yourself, and-*
  4. (If possible lol), work on improving yourself.

*The Step 3 is important because motivating yourself, whether that means forcing your ass out of bed, giving yourself a pep talk, finding someone else to encourage you, is definitely a step all on its own, but people tend to skip it.  Without Step 3, Step 4 is nearly twice as difficult.

In application to today, my frustrations:

  1.  That hospitals are as susceptible to fuck ups as any other organization or business, except it’s people’s health and lives at stake.  Today, I was almost given an arterial blood gas test when it wasn’t ordered for today- some problems with printing or administration reasons.  Good thing I made them double check.  All the more vital to be aware of your own shit.  Treat yoself:  I spent quality time with my friend, took a moment to be proud that even on a comparably grumpy day, I was productive, and then of course, bubble tea.
  2. The positive:  I have a select few great friends who are willing to help support me and my burdens in this tough journey.  Today, I vented my frustrations, and my friend listened patiently, but also helped guide me gently with her advice, which is always so precious and useful and calming to me.  Secondly, I came home to my mom telling me she got into a car accident, and after initial shock, for a few seconds I tuned out her voice, just being fully aware that she is still in one piece, in front of me, and that I still have a mother.  No one was injured.  Thank God.  I am lucky and still have so much to be grateful for.
  3. Dragging my ass to to Upenn again made me want to complain incessantly, but writing on here is my way of motivation and clearing my head.  I want to keep working with the mindset that if I were to die tomorrow, what is the legacy I have left behind?  Have I made a positive difference in anyone’s life, and have I contributed usefully to this earth while I was on it?
  4. The rest is obvious, in that my friend was proud of me that I have been slowly, but surely so diligent in achieving my goals of studying and eventually obtaining my Google Analytics Certificate.  This is one goal that I will not let go as it is totally doable and there is no excuse for me not to have it.  The rest is being able to forgive my friend, even if it takes a lot of time, something I was and am having a hard time being able to do, because there was a loss of trust and loyalty, and that is everything to me.

#chroniclesofthechronic

 

“The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” – Mark Manson

“I remind myself that it’s all right to die.  This willing and even exuberant interfacing with one’s own mortality has ancient roots.  The Stoics of ancient Greece and Rome implored people to keep death in mind at all times, in order to appreciate life more and remain humble in the face of its adversities.  In  various forms of Buddhism, the practice of meditation is often taught as a means of preparing oneself for death while still remaining alive.  Dissolving one’s ego into an expansive nothingness- achieving the enlightened state of nirvana- is seen as a trial run of letting oneself cross to the other side.  Even Mark Taiwan, that hairy goofball who came in and left on Haley’s Comet, said, “The fear of death follows from the fear of life.  A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”  -pg. 203-204

“While most people whittle their days chasing another buck, or a little bit more fame and attention, or a little bit more assurance that they’re right or loved, death confronts all of us with a far more painful and important question:  What is your legacy?

How will the world be different and better when you’re gone?  What mark will you have made?  What influence will you have caused?  They say a butterfly flapping it wings in Africa can cause a hurricane in Florida; well, what hurricanes will you leave in your wake? ” -pg. 205

“Without acknowledging the ever-present gaze of death, the superficial will appear important, and the important will appear superficial.  Death is the only thing we know with any certainty.  And as such, it must be the compass by which we orient all of our other values and decisions… the only way to be comfortable with death is to  see yourself as something bigger than yourself; to choose values that stretch beyond serving yourself, that are simple and immediate and controllable and tolerant of the chaotic world around you.  This is the basic root of all happiness.  Whether you’re listening to Aristotle or the psychologists at Harvard or Jesus Christ or the goddamn Beatles, they all say that happiness comes from the same thing: caring about something greater than yourself, believing that you are a contributing component in some much larger unintelligible production… this is what people go to church for; its what they fight in wars for…”  -pg. 206

“We are so materially well off, yet so psychologically tormented in so many low-level and shallow ways” -pg. 207

#chroniclesofthechronic

Retreat: Testimony

Wow.

So I forced myself to drive out to the university where spring retreat was being held- I had seen many pictures of this place in all the pictures I stalked when I first befriended my fellowship friends last summer so I was curious to check it out.  The night before, my anxiety kept me up all night with me knowing I should show up at a respectful time to participate, especially since I felt guilty that I had not paid anything and had not planned to come, much less stay.  Nobody knows how hard it is to push the small part of yourself through all the anxiety and fear, simply to challenge yourself to be present in the experiences of life, no matter what they are.  Something so natural to someone else, like looking forward to how fun retreat is, or a vacation, is stressful to me no matter what.

Anyway, as usual, there were things I was not too keen on, one of them being the Sunday message given by the pastor (more on that in another post), but one of the most crazy experiences this Sunday was testimony.  To be honest, I was a little apprehensive as the last testimony I witnessed was during their Thanksgiving dinner led by the pastor… it felt a bit forced and inauthentic, with every single tumor that disappeared, every mini good thing that happened, resounding in ‘PRAISE THE LORD.’

I thought it was strange that testimony was scheduled for more than an hour as nobody spoke for the first five to ten minutes.  However, slowly but surely, one by one people went up to speak.  These felt spoken from the heart.  One kid was in high school, and he talked about how he felt he was in a dark place, and was depressed that he wasn’t getting good grades.  He said he knew that it might get better, yet he might regret if he didn’t speak up about it.  Another who really got to me was Donna, Bobby’s mom who lost both her father and her husband AND got cancer all around the same time… nuts.  She apologized for being difficult to be around and also spoke of her pain and gratitude for the kids especially.  It was really hard to listen to her, but I felt her suffering, and a couple people were crying with her.  It was so real, and I was almost tempted to go up and talk about my experiences too, except I still don’t know if I’m completely convinced of the beliefs in the bible and I still question a lot of things… but I do wish I have the courage one day to speak up, and at least talk about my personal experiences or give a word to encourage others, especially the younger kids.