STRESS: Blegh -not-feeling-grateful Days

I want to write a wise journal entry today about how I’m thankful that I have a roof over my head, food to eat always, and my family, friends, and still some independent ability, but all I feel is negativity.  Not depression at its worst as I’ve felt before, but on a scale of happiness, it definitely drooped more.  Especially considering it’s summer and should be the highlight period of my year.

Let me jolt down some actual and pessimistic thoughts and conditions lately:

  • I felt very frustrated and angry that someone at work falsely accused me of abusing my grandmas handicap placard to HR. First off, one grandma is deceased and the other is halfway across the world.  I felt very wronged and misjudged, and not even able to confront the situation as I don’t know who reported me.  I felt angry that with all the shit I’m dealing with, I have to justify my legal use of trying to help myself out and make life just a tad easier.  I also would rather not be short of breath and constantly exhausted that I have to take a poorly paid part time job. This incident has made all my other issues affected by my illness amplified, and I am aware that I am in a poor attitude mode these days and have been very short tempered with my mom, and barely tolerating incompetent or creepy people at work. Guilt- the definition of feeling and hearing someone’s elses feelings and thoughts louder than your own, and them fighting in your brain.
  • Leading to my next point, I also would rather not have to go to Upenn every single month and do a bunch of unpleasant tests like bloodwork, cat scans, following up and scheduling with doctors, going to a psychiatrist, therapist, taking 10 diff kinds of meds each day, and also having other symptoms exacerbated by my weak body.  Trust me, I want to appreciate my body that I have one at all and appreciate any functions it does have, but right now, I just want to complain about all the bullshit I deal with.
  • Relationships and Weddings:
    • Everyone around me is in or getting into a relationship, and it feels like their lives are all planning or moving on towards the next step:  moving in, getting engaged, getting married.  I want to feel confident in my singleness, but I don’t.  It’s kind of gotten to me and made me feel left behind even more so in all the other ways I feel left behind, and I wonder if it’s me or just the circumstances that I happen to not be in a relationship.  I went to a bbq this past weekend and literally there was only couples there, besides me and my bestie.  Possibly 3 other single people, out of 30-40 people.  Also, my friend is planning her birthday, and my entire friend group asked if they could bring their significant others.
    • Making the “left behind” feeling worse, I realize that while I am grateful to be a part of anyone’s lives at all, I also feel shitty that some friends I thought I was at least decently close with in college haven’t invited me to their wedding- I was told not to take it personally, but it just reminded me of all the times growing up and in high school where I struggled to find solid friends, and how I was always the one on the fence that people thought of maybee inviting to their parties and events.
    • On the other hand, it made me worry even MORE that if I were to be chosen to be part of someone’s bridesmaid or maid of honor, would I even be up to the task?  I may be too busy taking care of my health to even make it to their wedding or event, and that makes me unreliable (my health, but aka me).  It’s not fair, and I really want to do those things for one of my friends.  And my best friend isn’t even planning on dating or getting married, so I don’t even get to 100% be someone’s maid of honor -_-
    • I’m thinking, am I going to literally live with my parents and depend on them forever?  For awhile it felt like that was an okay situation, but then my mom would say little things here and there that would add up, and make me feel a little nuts and wish there was some space between us where I could have more independent choices, and not constantly have to put up with another opinion on my clothes, etc.
    • I had a major headache at the bbq this past weekend, and so I didn’t enjoy myself or socialize much with anyone at all.  It was all I could do to be present at the bbq at all.  I was so tired and just wanted to be out of the house and have a break from my house and parents.  I went to Upenn today, and had a fever of 99.8, and even though my cat scan shows that the cavity walls around my hole in my left lung is thinner aka less inflammation, the lungs have slowly but surely been progressively deteriorating.  So it’s like I’m falling down a giant decline on a mountain and this news was just a slight rock hop before continuing screaming and falling down the decline.
    • I want to break down and cry, and I feel all this pressure and tension inside my head and my neck and shoulders, but it’s not coming out.  It’s stuck.  I had an upset stomach and also my nose started bleeding again, and although it’s a bit dramatic I feel like my body is falling apart all over the place.  I literally just fixed my yeast infection and eye dryness.  There isn’t even anyone that I can target all my pain and anger at, that I can just direct a giant “FUCK YOU’ to.  It’s just luck, fate, whatever.
    • Trying to be mindful of human nature and not getting too greedy with what I want.  Two months ago, my main goal and source of happiness would be to just get hired for a job, any job.  Now I’m tired of it and finding the work very uninspiring and feeling like I’m undervalued and just doing bullshit repetitive work.  I suppose this is normal, and at least a “normal” problem to be stressed about.  But then I think about what could’ve been, how far my potential could be, and how I will probably never know because I am constantly being limited by my body.
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Self-Stress Management vs. Life Worries/Burdens

I don’t pretend to be a stress management expert, but I definitely have a lot of experience in stress and anxiety.  In comparison to how constantly overwhelming it used to be, I am much better now, but it is not about generally less problems, but more about being aware of your feelings and where they’re coming from, and then processing your feelings in a more helpful and productive way.  Sometimes, understanding if the problem is yours or someone else’s is useful in deducting whether you should spend any more energy focusing on it if it’s not something you can change or fix.  There are so many factors in the world that are out of our control.

When I used to be taught to pray, I wondered what I should pray about.  I guess first for myself, then I would extend it to my family and friends.  Then I would think, what about everyone else in the world who isn’t getting prayed for?  So at the end of my prayer, I would just add “and everyone else who needs a prayer” to cover it all LOL.  But if one were really to meditate on just the incredible magnitude of people and beings in need at any given moment in time, it is reallyyy stress inducing.  I’ve felt so many times like everyone else’s life is moving on and people are living, but I am stuck in one dark place, ignored and forgotten.  Even if someone did reach out to me, it felt like a temporary relief, and then I’d go back to the same feeling of oppression and depression.  It’s such a terrible feeling of being stuck, that I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone else, yet realistically, I’m sure many of us have felt/feel that way, particularly considering how big the world is.

So just some amateur thoughts on what I do personally to relieve stress, here’s what I’ve picked up to try to help myself and my racing thoughts out.  Believe me, I’ve tried a lot of different methods.  (it sucks that I can’t say believe me without thinking of Trump -_-).

  1.  Do some light yoga, stretches, especially the neck, shoulder, and back before bedtime.
  2. Take hot baths and smell mint or lavender scents
  3. Drink chamomile or any other decaf tea
  4. Get a deep tissue massage
  5. Talk to a friend and rant or discuss feelings to get a fresh perspective
  6. Listen to music/read
  7. Treat yourself to something you like, such as your favorite drink
  8. Jot down things on your mind (like now haha)
  9. Extreme measures – Xanax or see an anxiety/sleep doctor

There are lots of things on my mind lately.  Not to the point where I feel like I completely can’t handle everything.  But close to the edge.  I worry about my future.  My parents future. That I won’t have them forever. That they might not have me forever.  That it’s one or the other. The world’s future.  If there is no God or greater being, is this all that we are?  Life would seem meaningless and humans are just another small spec in the vast spectrum of the universe.  Where am I headed? Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much?  I don’t want to lose faith in people, but I find myself more cynical than I want to be with each day.  I don’t want to grow weary and bitter of men.  I don’t want to go for something and feel disappointed yet again – in relationships, in believing in a better future, in being lost, in career, in personal goals.  Dealing with setbacks and not having the strength to carry on and face it all again. That choosing to give up would mean the ultimate seal of death.  Yet that death is inevitable even if I chose the opposite.  I worry that I will die alone.  I worry that I get trapped in an unhealthy marriage.  I worry that realistic marriage really is as painful as it looks.  That this is all there is to life.  That I stand out for the wrong reasons, that I’m different. But also that I’m forgettable.  I make no difference or impact in other’s lives.  But that doing good means nothing anyway in the grand scheme of things.  That we are not to be complacent, but we are also not to stay unsatisfied by yearning for the next best thing.  Yet we keep chasing something that is unreachable forever, but that is all progress works.  I’m sad for all the human life that is dying and suffering from lack of basic needs, sustenance, that all these children are born into endless agony and their life ends briefly- what is the point of this?  I want to be kind, but I don’t want to be naive, tricked, taken advantage of, but there is so much fucked up in this world.  So much bs.  Is this bs and fucked up shit necessary to sustain an imperfection that creates a balance of the ultimate imitation of perfection?  We know communism doesn’t exist.  So many concepts don’t exist because humans are greedy.  We want, we take, we want to grow, to expand, to reach the next personal achievement. We want acknowledgment, power, status.  We want validation, we want to be more beautiful, more wealthy, more successful, we want what others have.  And yet if we didn’t want, the global economy would crumble as we know it.  Without the ones who suffer as those who receive the short end of the stick in fate, we would not have ones to compare who drew the long stick.  Comparison and perspective.  If I did something good, what is that motivated by?  Wanting to feel better about ourselves?  To feel like a savior?  Maybe I should forgive myself, cut myself some slack.  But maybe I shouldn’t, and I am just as fucked up as the others around me.  But I just don’t see it because most people are blind and righteous.

It would be comforting to truly believe in and belong in a religion.  Yet all religions could have been manmade, the bible could have been manmade, because history is so prolonged that at this point, we have no clue what the truth is.  It is rewritten by those who have won.  Does this make us close-minded, to not examine ourselves and to not constantly question what the truth is?  If we are perhaps abusing or misinterpreting what we believe to be “truth”.  You could think you have it all figured out.  But you could be wrong.

 

Dating with a Chronic Illness

My mom has talked to me about what it’s like to live in another country where English is its primary language but not yours.  There are a lot of struggles that I can only imagine, as I am privileged to grow up understanding two different languages and two different cultures.  There are times where they clash, but it was overall still much easier to absorb for me than for her.  There comes the theme of caring less what other people think, and doing what’s best for yourself.  Even though the situations vary for all of us, the feelings are very similar.  Anxiety or worry about how others perceive us, how they judge us.

It frustrated me that it was frustrating for her, and that she could not seem to overcome those feelings.  More relevant, to become more self accepting of myself so that I have the courage to reach for things I want out of life. Particularly with the process of dating and fearing the reception and outcome.  It is really difficult.  But I really have to work on becoming okay with who I am, chronic illness included.  It doesn’t define me, but it definitely affects me in so many ways.

 

On Toxic Relationships: how long do you hold on before giving up?

So… I grew up pretty desperate to have friends.  I didn’t realize this at the time, but wow.  Any friend who would take me, I was pretty happy and excited.  Being homeschooled sucked in that regard- nobody in school really bothered to invest in you as a friendship, so I was invisible.  Even when I was there, I was always so lethargic I don’t know how I made it through looking back now.  And I realized that some people who vaguely knew I had some sort of illness didn’t want any part of me there.  That feeling stayed with me for years, and entering college, I thought freshman year that I had gained some tremendous confidence… but it was fake confidence.

At my core, my confidence was riddled with holes of insecurity, so the foundation was crumbling still, but I didn’t know.  I thought with the fresh start at a new place, I could keep my illness as hidden and buried as deep as possible for as long as I could, and in situations where I had to end up bringing it up, I felt like a torn individual holding my breath, backed up against the wall by their pending judgment.  So… it wasn’t true self acceptance.  Yet.  People thought I was cool, really nice, and even attractive (LOL).  Some people even thought I had dated a lot because I seemed so confident?!  Haaaaaha.

And the time came when I met new friends who were nice to me.  Who seemed to accept me.  I gave all of me, and more into building those relationships… it was exhausting.  I was in a new place, I needed friends to eat meals with, to just hang out with, study with.  I was content to find just one or two solid friends, but hunting was hard when most people were hyped up to party and go nuts, especially the first year.  I wanted to fit in, so I tried.

But I felt burnt out a lot, giving a listening ear even when I was stressed out about my own issues.  I had a ton of music pieces to learn, yet I had this one friend, the first solid friend I found, who often needed my help.  When I first mentioned it to my mom, she warned me not to give away too much help so freely.  Especially my efforts and time.  I didn’t understand what she really meant at the time, and got annoyed.  I felt my mom was too jaded with the world and pessimistic. My friend needed me, so I wanted to prove that I was valuable and worth it.  I didn’t know how to say no, I need to focus on myself right now.  I never said no.

By the third year, I started to get fed up more and more as I noticed this consistent trend where the friendship was a one way street.  She found a boyfriend soon, I was always the leftover one.  She only made time for me if she needed something or if her boyfriend was busy doing something else.  She would out of the blue ask me to grab coffee, and I would excitedly say yes.  But then she would somehow whip out her chinese homework and sweetly ask me what the answers were one by one.  She would ask to study together, then ask me to see my Works Cited page.  She would barge into my room 10 minutes before class started to ask me to use my printer for our senior project class, making me late because I walk slower, multiple times.  The one time my printer actually was malfunctioning and I told her, she got mad at me.

She would say she’s hungry, if I could make ramen for us, and that she would do the dishes. This was the final straw, and the moment I truly burnt out.  Throughout many other examples such as this, I kept trying to convince myself that it was just a phase where she was going through something difficult and really needed me there for her.  I woke up the next day and realized she had not done the dishes, so I grudgingly rolled up my sleeves and did them.  It was this moment where she came out her room and needed to vent about something serious- it was in the morning, and I was not in the mindset to listen, I was tired of our entire friendship to be honest.  I tried to say something helpful, but knew it was useless.  She actually stared at me, then went back into her room and slammed it.  Yes.  Slammed it.

A few nights later, we ran into each other in the art building and decided to talk it out.  I wanted to explain to her for the second time ever that I felt this was a one way friendship a lot of the time.  She got angry with me that I was upset about the dishes not being washed when her problem was more important- I agreed.  But I realized that it was not about the  dishes.  It was the entire friendship that was wearing me down.  She said she felt it was pretty equal, but that she was sorry.  It was always so easy for her to apologize.  After a while, it felt a bit like it had lost its meaning.

I wanted to care about her and be there for her, but I was finding it extremely difficult to juggle on top of everything I was going through on my own.  There were a few moments where she listened to my problems or something, but each time, she would count it.  She would bring it up the next time I tried to explain how I felt and recount how she had done this one thing for me.  I never kept track. It rendered me speechless how she always remembered anything she had done for me and wanted public credit for it (she would ask me if my professor knew she had helped me with an assignment one time… I got a B- on it anyway).

After that talk, a part of me completely burnt out.  During this friendship, it made me paranoid about my other friendships- did I perhaps treat my best friend at home this way?  I tried to look back on our serious talks- all of them had been me ranting or being upset to her, almost never the other way around.  I called her up one night, crying because I was so upset.  I asked her if it felt very one way to her, that it was always me who needed her help.  Even at this, she excelled at comforting me.  She told me, if she ever brought up feeling that way to me, how would I respond?  I said, I would feel so awful.  And she said she knows that if the time ever came when she needed me, she knew she could rely on me to be there in return.  That was probably one of the most comforting responses I’d ever heard in my life.  She told me that while it was important to be there for that friend in school, I was going through a lot of bullshit in my own life.  Was that friend ever truly there for me back?  The answer was not really.

And this was the moment where I wondered… did I hold on enough?  Did I give up on her in a time where she needed someone to hold onto?  Was it selfish of me to let go?  I knew that if I was going through a rough time, I would be so sad if a friend faded away from me.  But what I didn’t realize was that was already kind of the case.

Self care.

Looking back at times, I wondered if perhaps I was too harsh regarding her.  If she wasn’t really that bad, but I was too sensitive and had made it up in my head.

Recently, I realized I went straight the opposite of who I was.  I became the jaded person who tried to care less about relationships with people, especially new ones.  To expect disappointment as an eventual outcome.

The truth is somewhere in between.  There will be disappointment for some of the people you meet in your life.  But not all of them.

You should still keep moving forward.  Still try your best in regards to how you treat people, but also understand reasonably that it’s not likely they will all have your best interests at heart or reciprocate.

My senior year, at our small college I felt that I had met everyone I was likely to become friends and was very close to accepting the fact that I’d be a loner and graduate with no friends.  My therapist at the time encouraged me to keep trying to get to know other people outside of my prior friend group, in which all ties to each other were burnt bridges.  Despite feeling close to certain that there was nobody left and that was probably something perpetually wrong with me that drove people away eventually, I found a really good group of friends that remain strong three years later.  We don’t see each other often, but I know none of them would backstab me or treat me like I was treated.

I should still treasure the friends I have now the way I did, but not to prove my worth as a friend.  Just because I genuinely care and I know both their worth and mine.  I do not deserve to just stick on to anyone who will take me, I deserve more than that.  I can bear to choose who to invest what energy I have in.  At least on my part, I’d like to continue being remembered as the dependable friend.

Happy birthday to me~

The time in college when I felt like all was lost and there was no one there for me, there were a few people who were there for me actually.  But I couldn’t believe it because my mind was so locked in a dark place, that when anyone actually extended a kind hand to me, my mind just kept telling me that they pitied me and were too nice to not help me out, that they were doing it not because they wanted to, but because it was the right thing to do.  I was not myself, I was the most desperate version of myself I’d ever been.

I remember rambling to my best friend and telling her about this feeling, and she told me that just because they were kind to everyone, didn’t mean their care towards me meant any less.  I never felt like I had any true worth or added anything valuable to someone else’s life.

I also kept denying that I was turning 25, because it felt like I could no longer make excuses and dumb it down to me just figuring it out in my early 20s.  My friend told me how she felt our other friend was really living the life, with a great job and a great boyfriend, like all the puzzle pieces fit together perfectly for her.  For me, if my friend had not shared her worries and her problems with me, as an outsider looking into her life, she had it just as great too:  great boyfriend, great job.

I always kind of hated birthdays… instead of celebrating myself, it brought me anxiety, it was a reminder of another day where nobody seemed to care much or reach out to me.  I’ve worked hard to shift this mindset to focusing on the people in my life who are important and here to stay:  they are not necessarily intrinsically important.  They prove themselves important by the constant actions and the relationships we work hard to maintain and cherish throughout each year for each other.    The people who care will come forward in times like this to show you love.

I hate using the word “blessed” but today I do feel blessed.  I felt mopey and was in denial of being so old.  But my friends have popped up without having to, to simply show me they matter and I matter.  Today, I didn’t feel depression even though it was gloomy and raining.

I even had positive dreams for a change and woke up feeling good.  My mom left a box on my bed, and I found a dainty beautiful necklace inside.  My friend showed up last night with a cake from one of my fave places, and today my friends took me out to dinner and then we spontaneously visited another friend’s house and played intense games of Mario Kart.  I just don’t remember the last time we laughed this hard at stupid things.  Another couple friends drove to my house at 11:30pm to give me bubble tea and wish me happy birthday.

I also have my puppy.  It was a good birthday. #Blessed.

P.S.  The birthday celebrations continued!  Yesterday (Tue. the 27th), my friend treated me to dinner and we got drinks (I got some odd bourbon pear cider thing), and THEN she told me she also got me a gift she forgot to bring and donated a lot to my fundraiser to WWF. MAN. I am just, inspired and overwhelmed by her generosity.  I GET SO EXCITED when I come across a great human being in my life ^_^

P.S.S. I am adding these PSes on the 28th today.  I got cramps.  Life sucks again.  Not so exciting anymore.

She Needed a Hero

“She needed a hero, so that’s what  she became.”  -Pinterest somewhere

Sometimes, life gets to you.  And I think especially with people dealing with chronic illnesses, it can feel so constant and repetitive like a truck repeatedly running you over.

These days, as the weather gets colder and colder and we hit the 20s at night, I am more and more susceptible to darker thoughts of depression and wanting to give up and lay in my bed forever, to avoid all risks and perils of being outside.  I had a moment a couple nights ago where I realized it was food poisoning later, but that night I felt such discomfort and anxiety that I felt like I was going to lose my mind… I had been feeling this crazy anxiety all week, and insomnia was hitting me so hard again.  My body couldn’t relax, my thoughts were clouding my mind, and as much as I wanted to calm myself and tell myself that it was all temporary, just a bad night of nightmares mirrored in reality, I got scared with fleeting thoughts scattered into my brain of temptation.  The worst kind of temptation, where I thought it would be better to slit my wrists, drown myself, than endure more of this never-ending suffering.  And I knew I would never follow through with it, because at the end of the day, it does take just as much courage to end your life as it does to choose to keep going, and I picture images of my parents looking at me, horrified by how much work they invested to help me, and I failed them. But I felt like I was being repeatedly punished anyway when all I wanted to do was be.  Not constantly survive, but just exist.  Float around, and try to achieve some “normal” milestones in life, like get a job, maintain a social life, date, explore.  Because all of that isn’t already hard enough by itself, right?

The feeling I’d been having deep in the pit of my stomach lately is mainly anger, and then guilt.  Feeling like I am not a good enough friend, or daughter, while struggling to fix what’s on my plate.   And trying to make sure I’m vulnerable and open to other people with my struggles, but not overburdening them or scaring them away with the amount of problems I have.  Nobody likes being around unhappy people.

In addition, once you share that information with people, it can either go really well or downhill.  People might start to distance themselves and you become “the Other,” the sickly one they don’t really want to deal with… or they start hovering and panicking and treating you like you’re really different and need assistance with every little thing, like you’re useless.  That’s how my grandma and cousin reacted and it became really exhausting and annoying quickly.  Or I suppose, there were the few handful of great friends I still have now who have always treated me like a human being, but put into consideration my needs whenever I needed, and I will always treasure and love them for that.  Sharing their day and problems with me, just as I do, the way it’s supposed to be:  Equals.  No pity, no ignorance, none of that shit.

Secondly, trying so hard not to be consumed by fear.  Fear that I am not capable of being loved, that no one will ever be able to or want to deal with me, fear that I have nothing to offer them.  Knowing all of it is not true, yet somehow still standing here, wondering.

Thirdly, just the isolation.  This is about to sound real emo, but it’s crazy how many times I’m surrounded by so many people, yet feel so alone.

Some days, I’m able to work through it and just think, fuck it, I’m fine.  Everything’s fine.  Just breathe.  Other days, and it’ll get worse as we get deeper into winter, I can’t help but feel shackled to a singular spot, paralyzed by the knowledge that I both know and don’t know.  What I can expect, and can’t expect to have out of life.

And then the people that I feel relatively comfortable around and at peace with, at the same time, don’t.  I’m tired of hearing people use the common response “Pray about it.”  I very much want to give in that it’s out of my hands and part of a greater plan, but I can’t.  Do it.  Maybe it’s my resistance to giving up which is what it would feel like, or my inability to just hand over my faith blindly, and I want to pray to God and ask him for help, yet things in life still keep rolling on whether or not he’s really answered.

Am I believer?  I don’t know.  Do I believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins and is our Savior?  I’d like to.  But I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

Fears

My deepest fears?

I die forgotten and alone, never having made a positive impact on anyone in the world before I leave.

The realization that I will either lose someone I love deeply or they will lose me first- one of them has to happen.

That I will never feel like I deserve to be loved or accepted.

That I don’t have the energy or strength to go through the next phase of suffering.

That I bring more hurt and pain to someone I fall in love with than I should.

Do Soulmates Exist?

Shower Post #2

Marriage / Soulmates / My Type of Guy / Age Difference and Double Standards

  1.  Marriage

It seems like marriage has become a prevalent theme in this age where I’ve reached my early 20s.  A couple weeks ago, my friend was sending me diamond ring designs she wanted.  Everyone is getting hitched these days, whether it be my parents’ friends’ kids or cousins, friends or acquaintances updating their Facebook status to “Engaged.”  The appeal of marriage is so paradoxical to me; on one hand, you’re promising to spend the rest of your life happily with your other half, and then maybe you kiss and ride off into the sunset together hand-in-hand.  On the other hand, as Aziz Ansari so hilariously and despondently points out, you’re putting a ring on someone’s finger, and telling them they’re stuck with you until you die.  i believe in the sanctity of the principal institution of marriage, but let’s face it:  it’s fucking terrifying.  Are you ever supposed to know 100% that you want to be forever with another individual?  Especially as someone who has more unconventional limitations than the rest of the ‘norm,’ will I really ever find a guy who will willingly enter a pact of “in sickness and in health” from the beginning?  Let me know if you have any opinions or experiences on this (more in an upcoming post on dating with said unconventional limitations aka… chronic illness (bleh, hate using that term)).

I know there are already a lot of existing memes floating around where women are jokingly distressed about where they are in life in comparison to others.  We’ve already accepted the pressure women face from traditional expectations to settle down in addition to the biological factor of doing so in their early 30s while their eggs are still hip and young.  So if my soulmate is out there, I’m waiting 😉

But hurry up, because we only have 7 years left before society decides I’m a barren and overripe old hag.  Well, I don’t even know if I should have kids.

        2.  Soulmates

My friend and I got into a really deep, philosophical discussion once sitting in the middle of Smashburgers.  I was telling her about a guy I went on a date with, and how we got into an intense discussion about our beliefs:  he said that he doesn’t really know if soulmates exist.  He would like to believe it, but how does anyone really fucking know?  And what if your soulmate died before or after they met you?  Then you’re just what, fucked for life?? Coming from a date, this topic was hella bumming me out.  I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a hypocrite.  While I have the same doubts and questions as him, I wanted the guy to woo me and convince me otherwise, all that romantic shit… whether it’s the brand of bullshit, I really don’t know.   

Her answer to that was that some people are not meant to have soulmates.  Some people in this world are perfectly happy being alone.

My rebuttal to his question  was that maybe there is more than one soulmate designated for each person, and that’s why love triangles can happen.  Maybe I just watched too many Korean dramas, or maybe these are just faux-soulmates who cause each other more grief than happiness, but love blinds you.  Just because you think you love someone, doesn’t mean they’re your soulmate.  Timing is everything:  who we are at the time our paths cross, what we’re looking for, where we are located.  The idea of soulmates seems to imply that their relationship would transcend all obstacles.   

Personally, I’ve witnessed too many failed relationships and prison-types marriages to have too optimistic of a view on soulmates, but the idea is fascinating to think about.

         3.   My Love Life

Even though I hesitate to quote Woody Allen due to his tumultuous and controversial life with women, I watched Annie Hall awhile back and his rambling monologue in the beginning really stuck to me.

“… originally in Freud’s “Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious,” and it goes like this – I’m paraphrasing – um, “I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.” That’s the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.”

Basically, I want a relationship but I don’t.  Does that make sense?  It’s not supposed to, because love doesn’t.  I think a part of me dismisses most people who like me, because I can’t help but think, “Why?” I question your judgment in liking me, because well, you don’t really know me, all you know is my appearance, so by deductive reasoning, you’re just drawn to the way I look.  Is this cynical?  Yes.  Is there some truth here as to how guys initially pursue girls further?  Yes. Do I perhaps have some trust issues and issues in general?  Yeah…

My Type of Guy:  People have asked me before what my type of guy is.  I used to have a weird list of qualities I was attracted to, but they were more about appearance and physical attraction than anything of substance.

1.  Slight faux-hawk, gelled up hair in the front

2.  Baseball cap backwards

3.  Rides a skateboard really well

In college, I slightly expanded on this stupid list.

4.  Preferably Asian*

5.  Ideally around 5’9”

6.  Dorky humor

7.  Really sweet smile

8.  No chest hair

9.  Kind and patient

-*Think Ryan Higa, the famous Youtuber.  Even my mom thinks he’s adorkable, which is no easy feat

-*Don’t think I’m racist for having yellow fever, I just prefer Asian guys because I guess they’re more relatable in background and culture

You know what the most hilarious thing was?  The actual crushes I have had only sort of match up with this “criteria.”  My first crush was a ginger with derpy blue puppy eyes and the cutest freckles.  One day in 4th grade, I was struggling to open my water bottle.  He offered to open it up for me, so I gave up and handed it to him- of course, he opened it right away.  When he caught the look of frustration and disappointment on my face, he grinned and said,

“You did all the work already, I just opened it up at the end.  You were almost there.”

  I was painfully shy, I probably blushed, said nothing, or stuttered something sassy to cover up how much those words made my heart melt.  Post 4th grade, he migrated more and more towards the popular crowd that began the divisive ranks and cliques formed into high school, we said hi less in the hallways, and thereon-forth became strangers.

Probably none of these crushes had chest hair (no way of knowing ohoho), but nevertheless, I had no way of knowing if they rode skateboards well either, and definitely none of them wore baseball caps backwards. In summation, we often aren’t attracted to people we think we like, as a study previously revealed.

The most recent crush I had was so overwhelming I couldn’t get rid of it, it was like a drug.  If there was one consistent trait in the way I react to people I like, it’s that I like them for a long time.  I’ve had three major crushes at this point that probably each lasted about a year to three.  My friend found the cure and helped me wean off of those feelings by pointing out all the reasons she believed he was gay.  It worked like a charm!  Or at least, 75% worked.

“My love… Saddest moment is when I found out he’s gay. Or a lie I tell myself everyday.”

       4.  Age Difference

We like to think that we’re one of those open-minded people who see a couple with a large age gap between them, and without any judgment think, “age is just a number.”  Don’t lie! I have mixed feelings about it.  If you’re both happy,  then it’s nobody else’s business.  But even someone I know who has pretty liberal opinions said that it’s a little weird for say, a 23-yr old to sleep with a 19-yr old.  A 4-yr old difference isn’t huge, but it’s perhaps the fact that it’s someone who is in their twenties vs. teens in which the maturity level gap is pretty big.

I also can’t help but cringe a little when I see a rich, old Hollywood male celebrity with a beautiful young woman hanging off his arm, someone who could easily pass as his daughter or granddaughter.  This is such a norm though, and we tend to go after the woman as a “gold digger”, but if it was vice-versa, she’s a “cougar.”  Everyone still loves Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney, and God knows who else.

  • Other Double Standards Speaking of such, when a prominent man cheats, people are quick to excuse, forgive, or forget their deeds.  People are willing to overlook the creepiness in which Gandhi approached women, and I’ve seen many others defend Martin Luther King Jr. by saying that it doesn’t negate what they’ve accomplished in other aspects.  That is true, but women just don’t get the same pass.  Look at the way we go after Amber Rose with pitchforks, slut-shaming her even though to my knowledge she’s never actually cheated.  Observe the way we refer to Miley Cyrus as having fallen off the wagon for her provocative style change.

I also think while there are deeply rooted problems in the way we victim-blame or slut-shame, they aren’t as white and black.  The only stance I clearly agree with is that no one asks to be raped.  Doesn’t matter what vibe you’re getting or what she or he is wearing.  Watch last night’s Oscars performance by Lady Gaga and rape survivors; it was heartbreaking.  I don’t know why this is so difficult for people to absorb.  Let’s put it this way:  a guy named Bob who happens to be black wanders into a white privileged neighborhood.  Bob gets beaten up by a bunch of white dudes, and then people tell Bob it was because Bob should’ve known better and covered up every inch of his skin beforehand.  I hope we are progressive enough in racist issues to understand this analogy a bit. 

 However, if I had a child, I would still want them to treat themselves with respect, class, and dignity.  There shouldn’t be anything wrong with women casually hooking up like many men do, even though I personally would prefer it if everyone just approached such intimate experiences less nonchalantly, but I’m conservative, what can I say.  I can’t help but judge others when they act trashy, and this applies to both men and women.  I also think it’s a huge turn-off when people mistake arrogance for confidence.  It isn’t okay for anyone to look down on others, and we see this all the time in celebrities who then defend themselves by saying it’s female self-empowerment or passion.  Please lessen the bullshit in the world.

And that’s the end of my rant and ramble for today.