The time in college when I felt like all was lost and there was no one there for me, there were a few people who were there for me actually. But I couldn’t believe it because my mind was so locked in a dark place, that when anyone actually extended a kind hand to me, my mind just kept telling me that they pitied me and were too nice to not help me out, that they were doing it not because they wanted to, but because it was the right thing to do. I was not myself, I was the most desperate version of myself I’d ever been.
I remember rambling to my best friend and telling her about this feeling, and she told me that just because they were kind to everyone, didn’t mean their care towards me meant any less. I never felt like I had any true worth or added anything valuable to someone else’s life.
I also kept denying that I was turning 25, because it felt like I could no longer make excuses and dumb it down to me just figuring it out in my early 20s. My friend told me how she felt our other friend was really living the life, with a great job and a great boyfriend, like all the puzzle pieces fit together perfectly for her. For me, if my friend had not shared her worries and her problems with me, as an outsider looking into her life, she had it just as great too: great boyfriend, great job.
I always kind of hated birthdays… instead of celebrating myself, it brought me anxiety, it was a reminder of another day where nobody seemed to care much or reach out to me. I’ve worked hard to shift this mindset to focusing on the people in my life who are important and here to stay: they are not necessarily intrinsically important. They prove themselves important by the constant actions and the relationships we work hard to maintain and cherish throughout each year for each other. The people who care will come forward in times like this to show you love.
I hate using the word “blessed” but today I do feel blessed. I felt mopey and was in denial of being so old. But my friends have popped up without having to, to simply show me they matter and I matter. Today, I didn’t feel depression even though it was gloomy and raining.
I even had positive dreams for a change and woke up feeling good. My mom left a box on my bed, and I found a dainty beautiful necklace inside. My friend showed up last night with a cake from one of my fave places, and today my friends took me out to dinner and then we spontaneously visited another friend’s house and played intense games of Mario Kart. I just don’t remember the last time we laughed this hard at stupid things. Another couple friends drove to my house at 11:30pm to give me bubble tea and wish me happy birthday.
I also have my puppy. It was a good birthday. #Blessed.
P.S. The birthday celebrations continued! Yesterday (Tue. the 27th), my friend treated me to dinner and we got drinks (I got some odd bourbon pear cider thing), and THEN she told me she also got me a gift she forgot to bring and donated a lot to my fundraiser to WWF. MAN. I am just, inspired and overwhelmed by her generosity. I GET SO EXCITED when I come across a great human being in my life ^_^
P.S.S. I am adding these PSes on the 28th today. I got cramps. Life sucks again. Not so exciting anymore.