Acceptance in Mind, Heart, and Soul

I often find it difficult to understand how people have that kind of faith in God or a bigger picture.  I want to make sure I try to obtain that kind of peaceful acceptance in my heart, without stopping to fight for the way I want to live, my right to be who I want to be and who I am, and becoming complacent by giving it up to fate or that it’s “out of my hands” and “God’s will.”

I think the people in this world who are angry, hurt, and who struggle with depression and anxiety, see all the misery that is the world’s suffering, and we feel it more deeply, to a point where it is near unbearable levels.  That’s some of us fall prey to alcohol and drugs, anything at all to numb the pain, even if it ends in self destruction.

This week, I’ve started my four-day lung transplant evaluation tests at UPenn.  I’m 24 years old, and I’m somehow simultaneously used to but also feeling misplaced standing in the waiting room with the other 60+ year olds.  I was wheeled in a wheelchair for a 6 min walk test, and one of the technicians said to me, “You’re too young to be here.”  I just laugh it off and say it’s okay, I’m basically an old person.

I don’t fit in with peers in my age group.  I don’t know how to at least pretend I fit in, and chuckle lightheartedly at moments in life like just silly things with friends.  I might as well be socially the same as a hermit in the mountains, with a long beard in a dark stone cave.  I have to relearn it each time I try to really interact with civilization again.  I’m awkward.  No denying it haha.

Instead of wallowing and focusing on how pitiful I am in everything I’m going through/about to go through, I’m trying to focus on the positive: my inner strength, the inner strength of every journey and experience that’s made me who I am today.  My Asian heritage, I am an example of what immigrants go through, what it’s like to grow up and live in America.  My struggles and experiences as a woman, my eyes have opened up to the inequality and the things that are really not okay.   From how guys sometimes treat me, from the subtle to the obvious.  Being manipulated, getting hit on sexually, or finding out that a guy hooked up with your friend while pretending to go after you while you were ill.  All of that shit.  All of it.  #metoo.  I feel the weight of it all right now.  But I’m still standing here, because I’m empowered by the strength of the people around me.  We’re in this together, we’re fighters, and that’s what life is about too.

I have to find the strength to endure it all, and keep trying anyway, despite constant setbacks and constant misunderstandings and judgment by people who are blinded by their privilege.  I need to overcome my own judgment of me.  And I want them to want to be better versions of themselves, because I see the potential.  If I didn’t, I would have given up on myself a long time ago.

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The Onigiri

I don’t remember if I wrote about this before, but it’s my go-to story whenever a friend who’s having self-doubt or any other moments of apprehension talks to me.  It’s a story I tell myself once in awhile to remind myself of my worth, even if I don’t always see it.

When I was younger, my best friend got me into mangas, and my favorite was always Fruits Basket.  In one chapter, Kyo is this character who comes off angry but holds in a lot of pain and fear.  Tohru is the girl who looks at him in thought, and ponders, “Hm, maybe it’s on his back.”

The way Tohru sees the world is that every individual is an onigiri, and each contains a special ingredient.  However, the problem is that Kyo’s onigiri looks at everyone else’s, and is envious looking at the ingredients on their backs, whether it’s salmon, or tuna, or egg.  He can’t see his own.  He thinks he’s worth less because he can’t see his back.

Sometimes, pretty often actually, I find myself as Kyo, struggling to see what’s on my back.  I know some of you are thinking “please, I know what my special ingredient, I’m made of PRIME RIB, wagyu beef yo.”  And that’s great.  But a lot of us spend a lot of times staring at all the other onigiris’ backs and admiring their special ingredient.  So I’m here to tell you that you have something special on your back, and I see it.  You are made of worth, you were created unique, and everyone around you can see it even if people might not go out of their way to tell you or admit it to you.  I think we could help each other out by being the eyes for each other on what we can’t see.

Happy New Year 2017!!

This past weekend, while it wasn’t perfect and I was very fatigued almost the entire time, I am proud of myself for pushing hard to fight for the experiences I want in my life- there are many times that I give up, but I realize there is marginal percentage that I can push even further.  Of course, there are also certain sacrifices I have to give, for example I decided to take steroids Friday night because I could feel my lungs acting up from being in the cold so frequently, even for a couple minutes here and there in the car driving between the buildings.

On Friday I drove to the campsite and we played group game performances and ate dinner with our small group.  I was on Allison’s team, and we were Bugs Bunny, and then we played this number-balloon game that forced us to get to know our group members well- the only people I knew on my team was Allison and Sam, everyone else was from Chinatown and a couple years younger.  I think I arrived a bit drained already, so it was difficult for me to be present and awake.  I really started not to feel so well towards the end of the night, but I stayed in the basement building for an hour more so I could chill and listen to them practice worship music, which is always calming.  I drove home and got back around 11:30pm.

Saturday, I felt very tired and ended up sleeping on and off the whole day… I knew I had to rest and save up energy so I could pass 2016 with everyone else at fellowship… I finally mustered the energy to go and arrived around 10pm and hung out in the dining hall, watching other ppl set up as everyone else was in the worship room.  Soon, everyone barged in and brought the party and ruckus with them- I love how fun they are even though it’s a bit much to handle at times…  we drank sparkling cider and cheered and it was nice, took a few group pictures.  It ended around 1am and I went to the dorm and didn’t sleep the entire night, but it didn’t feel too  terrible when it was morning.

Sunday, I ended up deciding to just go straight to service at 10:30am, and listened to Winky’s message.  Then it was lunch time, then group games, which I couldn’t participate in because they were all strenuous physical activities.  I hung out in the dining hall and ended up talking for hours with Andrew, this person from the Netherlands, who was very cool.  Then I started to feel an energy crash, and then Caleb came in and we all sort of played board games, and then it was dinner time.  Then, we went back to the other building for Singspiration and the message, S.H.A.P.E. standing for Spiritual Gifts, Heart, Ability, Personality, and Experiences.  Then we went upstairs to meet for Small Group, but I had lost my voice by then… I mostly listened, it was interesting to hear about people’s stories.  I left after that and got home around 11:30pm today.  More updates to come tomorrow.