Myers-Briggs Test

I don’t know why but my fascination for this Myers-Briggs test has resurfaced in the past few days… also I found out it’s Myers-Briggs, not Briggs-Myers… well not that it’s that important what order it’s said.

My interest in psychology has grown stronger in recent years, and I wish I was able to AP Psych or some sort of class in college.  According to the test, as an INFJ I have an uncanny ability to empathize, read, and understand other people intuitively.   I see my own strengths and weaknesses more clearly while browsing through the articles of my personality type, and out of the three or four times I’ve taken it, I am almost undoubtedly an INFJ.  I wish I wasn’t so sensitive and stressed out about other people’s issues in addition to mine, but I hope to handle it better now that I’m an adult, and push my abilities to better the world in some way or another.

 

A Small Achievement

Letting go of pride.  A lot of self-care and confidence is reframing how you feel about yourself, and letting go of pride enough to realize that you can still retain your dignity even when you feel you’ve lost it.  As much as I tell others that sharing and revealing a part of your soul makes you feel like you’re vulnerable like an open,  bleeding wound to others, it’s part of what makes you human- the first part is letting others know what you’re going through so that they can help you.  The second part is that despite our worst fears that we look silly or weak, I’d say 95% of the time, you just simply earn more respect for speaking up and being open in the first place.. it increases trust, and you are a leader in paving the way for others to see your imperfectness, so that they may allow themselves to become vulnerable too and share.

Yesterday, at girl’s group, I took out my inhaler and used it, then joked about gargling.  All of them watched me, and asked me questions about it, especially the ones working in hospitals.  I was feeling confident, or rather, content, and somehow that made it feel safe and okay to talk about my inhaler and not make me feel like I was isolating or making myself look like a sick person.  And it felt good.

Ironically, letting go of my pride made me feel proud.

Accessibility and Judgment at Broadway

Today, I want to talk about one of the reoccurring experiences I still struggle with accepting and going through, and that is first of all, how the lack of accessibility and modification of transportation in NYC is a huge detriment to many people who need it to get around and get opportunities.  Second of all, being strong enough to withstand judgment from others, whether friends or strangers, on your invisible needs, and probably getting judged for it.

One thing I constantly have to be conscious of is how quickly I use up my spoons for the day.   I modified some of my plans to tailor it to my needs, such as taking the train station in that is direct into the city.  Second of all, I decided in the cause of preserving my energy, I used the elevator once I got into Penn Station.  Third of all, even though I ran into a minor bump by trying to order a Lyft, and then ending up taking a taxi, I met up with my friends and got my taco as well.  The broadway show Cats was a little weird since I felt there was no plot, but nevertheless I enjoyed the experience.

I was a bit tired, but during intermission went to seek out the handicap bathroom in which I found myself in a line of mostly elderly people with bad hips and canes.  I knew I looked like I didn’t belong there, but I also knew in my mind and heart that I deserved to be there and it was my right to use that bathroom.  What wore me down a little was a few ushers swinging by, looking right at me and speaking mostly directly to me that they “highly encourage those who are capable of taking the stairs to do so with the one downstairs”… after the second time, I got a bit defensive and exhausted, and told them there was a reason why I was using that bathroom in particular.

It was also annoying that the old lady in front of me invited another older man to cut in front to use the bathroom…  I let him do so, but I wasn’t sure if it was out of kindness or guilt that I didn’t belong there.

Later on, we quickly racked up prices in using Uber to get around to the udon restaurant… It sucks that this is an extra price to pay as someone who has disability conditions, much like a woman having to pay for tampons and other needs just because she’s born with a vagina and menstruation cramps.

The world isn’t fair, and we have to try to find the courage to speak up for ourselves and for others.  Acceptance is key, and I’m on my way there before I can embrace it and fight for the rights that we are entitled to.

A Good Day- June 3, 2017

I don’t know if this is relatable to the general population, but for me as a person who struggles with disabled conditions, to experience and live a good day, is one of the rarest but most satisfying feelings in the world.  The days included among my happiest was such as the day I sat in a Venetian gondola, the day my study abroad friends celebrated meeting me on my last day in Taiwan, and a day at work where a bunch of little kids helped me plan a surprise party for my co-counselor.

Yesterday was a good day.  Even though I still struggled with my condition and the usual limitations, I still got to live and be with friends, and I felt that was one of the most important, gratifying feelings, just to have, and be present.

I woke up at Allison’s, went to Girl’s Group, ate delicious cookies, sandwiches, experienced my first cold brew coffee with french vanilla creamer, got mind-blown, went on a timed, spontaneous yard sale spree with Allison from 3-4pm where she hit the jack pot at another church with a $5 a bag deal! She got a beautiful entire tea set in addition to other glasses and miscellaneous things.  I finally did spend on a $3 bracelet that I thought looked very unique, it had 5 burgundy jewels and was elastic, so it was easy to slip on.  Satisfying good purchase and deal 8 )

I left her house to drive to Montclair and find Cuban Pete’s for Jon’s birthday.  It was a little rough as I didn’t know the area and realized parking was very difficult, but I heard the restaurant was very good.  I was the only one to get there at 5pm, another group arrived around 5:15 and the rest arrived closer to 5:40.  I found street parking by luck about a block away, found Glendyll and Amy inside the CHAOTIC restaurant.  It was so packed there wasn’t even room to comfortably stand… I was told the wait was 2 hours.  I went outside and sat on one of their chairs, and Jenn, Abby, Jordan and Nate came to find us.  This guy who seemed a little sketch came up and asked one of us to go with him to hook us up with a table, and he got us a table for 15 around 6pm!!  We were pretty excited, and the mango and pineapple sangrias and food was pretty great.  Afterwards, I was a bit annoyed as the group couldn’t make up their minds on what to do and just wanted to walk around.  We took pics outside and then after awhile, I was tired and decided to leave them to it and go find Allison, who was with Jeannie at Steve’s house.  Turns out, Sean and Sam were also there, so we just chilled, discussing VBS and talking.  Around 10:30pm, I gave up on waiting for Amy and was tired, so I decided to go say bye to them at the bar and drive home.

Even though I got borderline annoyed that they couldn’t make up their minds on a set plan and just wanted to wander around even though a couple knew that I tired easily, I guess I felt fulfilled and proud that I could do as much as I did on a beautiful day.  The day was perfect weather – about 74 degrees.

The Onigiri

I don’t remember if I wrote about this before, but it’s my go-to story whenever a friend who’s having self-doubt or any other moments of apprehension talks to me.  It’s a story I tell myself once in awhile to remind myself of my worth, even if I don’t always see it.

When I was younger, my best friend got me into mangas, and my favorite was always Fruits Basket.  In one chapter, Kyo is this character who comes off angry but holds in a lot of pain and fear.  Tohru is the girl who looks at him in thought, and ponders, “Hm, maybe it’s on his back.”

The way Tohru sees the world is that every individual is an onigiri, and each contains a special ingredient.  However, the problem is that Kyo’s onigiri looks at everyone else’s, and is envious looking at the ingredients on their backs, whether it’s salmon, or tuna, or egg.  He can’t see his own.  He thinks he’s worth less because he can’t see his back.

Sometimes, pretty often actually, I find myself as Kyo, struggling to see what’s on my back.  I know some of you are thinking “please, I know what my special ingredient, I’m made of PRIME RIB, wagyu beef yo.”  And that’s great.  But a lot of us spend a lot of times staring at all the other onigiris’ backs and admiring their special ingredient.  So I’m here to tell you that you have something special on your back, and I see it.  You are made of worth, you were created unique, and everyone around you can see it even if people might not go out of their way to tell you or admit it to you.  I think we could help each other out by being the eyes for each other on what we can’t see.

Retreat: Testimony

Wow.

So I forced myself to drive out to the university where spring retreat was being held- I had seen many pictures of this place in all the pictures I stalked when I first befriended my fellowship friends last summer so I was curious to check it out.  The night before, my anxiety kept me up all night with me knowing I should show up at a respectful time to participate, especially since I felt guilty that I had not paid anything and had not planned to come, much less stay.  Nobody knows how hard it is to push the small part of yourself through all the anxiety and fear, simply to challenge yourself to be present in the experiences of life, no matter what they are.  Something so natural to someone else, like looking forward to how fun retreat is, or a vacation, is stressful to me no matter what.

Anyway, as usual, there were things I was not too keen on, one of them being the Sunday message given by the pastor (more on that in another post), but one of the most crazy experiences this Sunday was testimony.  To be honest, I was a little apprehensive as the last testimony I witnessed was during their Thanksgiving dinner led by the pastor… it felt a bit forced and inauthentic, with every single tumor that disappeared, every mini good thing that happened, resounding in ‘PRAISE THE LORD.’

I thought it was strange that testimony was scheduled for more than an hour as nobody spoke for the first five to ten minutes.  However, slowly but surely, one by one people went up to speak.  These felt spoken from the heart.  One kid was in high school, and he talked about how he felt he was in a dark place, and was depressed that he wasn’t getting good grades.  He said he knew that it might get better, yet he might regret if he didn’t speak up about it.  Another who really got to me was Donna, Bobby’s mom who lost both her father and her husband AND got cancer all around the same time… nuts.  She apologized for being difficult to be around and also spoke of her pain and gratitude for the kids especially.  It was really hard to listen to her, but I felt her suffering, and a couple people were crying with her.  It was so real, and I was almost tempted to go up and talk about my experiences too, except I still don’t know if I’m completely convinced of the beliefs in the bible and I still question a lot of things… but I do wish I have the courage one day to speak up, and at least talk about my personal experiences or give a word to encourage others, especially the younger kids.

Fashion Aesthetics

Things I’m Looking for to update my wardrobe:

-pair of nice black heels for work

-hi low dress, high neck, plum/apple red, side cut-outs, low back

-nicer looking crop tops to match my high-waisted shorts

-scalloped top

-orange things / dress / sneakers

-comfy hoodie

-comfy 2-inch sandals

-Bose noise canceling headphones

Of course, extra small anything leaves me with almost no choice LOL IF IT FITS I BUY.

Notes on “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” – Marie Kondo

  • Tidy/organize all at once, INTENSELY and COMPLETELY, not bit by bit
  • Tidying is just a tool, not the final destination (21)
  • Two-Part Question for Criteria:
    • Are you keeping the item?
    • If yes, where are you placing it?
  • Sort by category, not by location
    • Avoid duplicates, narrow down volume
      • “Can’t put it back” types + “Can’t discard” types
  • Make tidying into “special event” day

Obtaining HAPPINESS

  1.  Picture the lifestyle you want.  Ex:  “yoga?  why? for more relaxation? to lose weight? are you sure?”  <– repeat 3 x for each item
  2. Examining what you own
    • Selection Criterion:
      • Cease being functional
      • Out of date – fashion, past event
    • Choose what you want to keep, not what you want to get rid of.  Look more closely at what is there (41)
      • “Does this spark joy?”
      • Touch each item to see how your mind and body reacts
  3. One category at a time
    • Make subcategories of tops, bottoms, socks, etc.
    • Things can be stored out of sight
  4. Do not start with Mementos or anything of memory first
    • Clothes, books, papers, komono (miscellany), mementos <– ORDER
      1. Functional value
      2. Informational value
      3. Emotional value
  5. Don’t let family see
    1. The urge to point out someone else’s failure to tidy is usually a sign that you are neglecting to take care of your own space
  6. What you don’t need, your family doesn’t need either
  7. Tidying is a dialogue with one’s self
    • Form of meditation
    • Quiet space to clean, background noise should be ambient or environmental music with no lyrics or well-defined melodies
    • Early morning is the best time- fresh air, sharp power of discernment
  8. What to do when you can’t throw something away
    1. Human judgment:
      1. Intuitive
      2. Rational “I might need it later” / “It’s a waste to get rid of it”
    2. To truly cherish things that are important to you, you must first discard those that have outlived their purpose
      1. “Thank you for giving me joy when I bought you” / “Thank you for teaching me what doesn’t suit me” much like the people we meet in life, each has a different role to play.  Free them from the prison, let them go with gratitude

Tidying by Category Works Like Magic

  • Clothes
    • Tops, Bottoms, Clothes, Socks, Underwear, Bags, Accessories, Clothes for specific events, Shoes.
  • Downgrading to “Loungewear” is taboo
    • Usually it’s not appropriate loungewear
    • Positive self-image at home is important too
  • Arranging Clothes
    • Rise to the right (heavy items on left, dark in color:  coats–>dresses–>jackets–>pants–>skirts–>blouses
    • Never ball up socks /store in shoebox
    • Seasonal clothes:  Divide into “Cotton-like” and “Wool-like” materials
  • Papers
  • Credit card statements / Warranties / Greeting Cards / Used checkbooks (get rid of) / Pay Slips
  •  Komono (Miscellaneous)
  • Bath/Sink
    • Keep soap and shampoo products out of shower to avoid slime
    • Keep sponge completely dry and underneath sink or hang outside on veranda
  • “When we delve into the reasons why we can’t let something go, there are only two:  an attachment to the past or a fear for the future” (181).
    • 3 approaches:  face now, face sometime, avoid until we die.  Choice is ours.
      • FACE NOW!!
    • Not needing to search is a stress reliever
  • DETOX!!  Living space affects your body 😀
    • Feng Shui:
      • Yin + Yang
      • Five Elements:  metal, wood, water, fire, earth energy.

Shoutout

This is a quick shoutout to all my chill friends in my life that keep me as chill as I can possibly be, since I find myself being anxious, stressed, and ticked off almost all the time, especially as of late with little to no sleep.

Oh, and nightmarish dreams when paired with said little to no sleep, starts to borderline into mild hallucination.

Thoughts n Questions to Ponder

  1.  What are the main differences between pity, sympathy, and empathy?  Are there two different levels of empathy?  A.  Having gone through the same, or very similar experience where you understand deeply B.  Can understand as explained to you, as you willingly strive to seek out understanding of another’s experiences
  2. What determines what is art and what is not?  Is it enough that it makes one feel an emotion, or an opinion?    What about if something is crudely done in controversy? Perhaps this is how famous celebrities (Kim K, Andy Warhol, Trump, the Pepsi commercial) garner publicity knowingly and manipulatively
  3. Everything in life mainly revolves around the goal of Efficiency, which will lead to Effectiveness.  Example: Why Marie Kondo’s book on tidying and organizing became a bestseller as we have so much waste and crap in our houses.  It is how I learned to memorize my music with intent and away from the piano, more intensely in less time, but more mentally draining regardless.  Creative design should also focus on minimize waste, energy, time.  Should the same concept be applied for empathy?
    1. Things that are wasteful but shouldn’t be… 40% groceries wasted away in the average American household- why??
    2. Taco Bell sauce packets
    3. Throwing away or not having anywhere to place reusable teabags…

What are my strengths and current goals? Curiosity, focus, and intense determination

  1.  Korean / Spanish language, teaching Mandarin to my friend daily and weekly
  2.  Coding for Python
  3. Looking into animation (create short) practicing piano again and writing music (create a great piece)
  4. Empathy, Pondering, Philosophy
  5. Creating greater efficiency in waste, energy, time
    1. Re-organize lifestyle and bedroom
    2. Establish regime – wake up before 12pm, sleep at 2am, take morning/bedtime calcium supplements.  Stretches, drink 37oz liquids, work out, floss, mouthwash, skincare, haircare.
    3. “Is what I’m doing beneficial to me in the long run? Am I learning something right now productive?” –>  TEDtalks, cooking recipes (next up, ba wan), Lynda tutorials
    4. Be better at planning events
    5. Minimize sound pollution, food waste
    6. Develop photography portfolio so I can develop photoshop photos
  6. Passions:  women’s rights, Asian American rights, Disability rights –> how to save energy
    1. Suitcase with wheels/ moving chair
    2. Accessibility (ex:  more elevators in the city, better “wheelchairs”)
    3. How do we increase efficiency in obtaining empathy in each other in a simple, direct manner that makes sense?  –>  perspective of woman translating well for men.  Struggles of Asian Americans and immigrants, their story to become understanding or more relatable.
      1. Watch movies:  50/50 on reality of illnesses, The Godfather on moral dilemmas, Master of None on feminism, immigrants, ageism, hook up culture, racism, etc.
  7. Me:   Sound of heels clicking cleanly across the floor with a slight echo, rustling of a turning page, old smell of sheets of paper, fresh cut grass, moisturizing lip balms, Lupicia cookie tea and chocolate strawberry tea, slicing cucumbers, sizzling oil, matcha bubble tea, onigiri, ramen, glistening sashimi, glutinous gelatinous ba wan, emotional energy channeling through fingertips into keys, deep breaths, whirling thoughts, racing heartbeat, derp.