I want to write a wise journal entry today about how I’m thankful that I have a roof over my head, food to eat always, and my family, friends, and still some independent ability, but all I feel is negativity. Not depression at its worst as I’ve felt before, but on a scale of happiness, it definitely drooped more. Especially considering it’s summer and should be the highlight period of my year.
Let me jolt down some actual and pessimistic thoughts and conditions lately:
- I felt very frustrated and angry that someone at work falsely accused me of abusing my grandmas handicap placard to HR. First off, one grandma is deceased and the other is halfway across the world. I felt very wronged and misjudged, and not even able to confront the situation as I don’t know who reported me. I felt angry that with all the shit I’m dealing with, I have to justify my legal use of trying to help myself out and make life just a tad easier. I also would rather not be short of breath and constantly exhausted that I have to take a poorly paid part time job. This incident has made all my other issues affected by my illness amplified, and I am aware that I am in a poor attitude mode these days and have been very short tempered with my mom, and barely tolerating incompetent or creepy people at work. Guilt- the definition of feeling and hearing someone’s elses feelings and thoughts louder than your own, and them fighting in your brain.
- Leading to my next point, I also would rather not have to go to Upenn every single month and do a bunch of unpleasant tests like bloodwork, cat scans, following up and scheduling with doctors, going to a psychiatrist, therapist, taking 10 diff kinds of meds each day, and also having other symptoms exacerbated by my weak body. Trust me, I want to appreciate my body that I have one at all and appreciate any functions it does have, but right now, I just want to complain about all the bullshit I deal with.
- Relationships and Weddings:
- Everyone around me is in or getting into a relationship, and it feels like their lives are all planning or moving on towards the next step: moving in, getting engaged, getting married. I want to feel confident in my singleness, but I don’t. It’s kind of gotten to me and made me feel left behind even more so in all the other ways I feel left behind, and I wonder if it’s me or just the circumstances that I happen to not be in a relationship. I went to a bbq this past weekend and literally there was only couples there, besides me and my bestie. Possibly 3 other single people, out of 30-40 people. Also, my friend is planning her birthday, and my entire friend group asked if they could bring their significant others.
- Making the “left behind” feeling worse, I realize that while I am grateful to be a part of anyone’s lives at all, I also feel shitty that some friends I thought I was at least decently close with in college haven’t invited me to their wedding- I was told not to take it personally, but it just reminded me of all the times growing up and in high school where I struggled to find solid friends, and how I was always the one on the fence that people thought of maybee inviting to their parties and events.
- On the other hand, it made me worry even MORE that if I were to be chosen to be part of someone’s bridesmaid or maid of honor, would I even be up to the task? I may be too busy taking care of my health to even make it to their wedding or event, and that makes me unreliable (my health, but aka me). It’s not fair, and I really want to do those things for one of my friends. And my best friend isn’t even planning on dating or getting married, so I don’t even get to 100% be someone’s maid of honor -_-
- I’m thinking, am I going to literally live with my parents and depend on them forever? For awhile it felt like that was an okay situation, but then my mom would say little things here and there that would add up, and make me feel a little nuts and wish there was some space between us where I could have more independent choices, and not constantly have to put up with another opinion on my clothes, etc.
- I had a major headache at the bbq this past weekend, and so I didn’t enjoy myself or socialize much with anyone at all. It was all I could do to be present at the bbq at all. I was so tired and just wanted to be out of the house and have a break from my house and parents. I went to Upenn today, and had a fever of 99.8, and even though my cat scan shows that the cavity walls around my hole in my left lung is thinner aka less inflammation, the lungs have slowly but surely been progressively deteriorating. So it’s like I’m falling down a giant decline on a mountain and this news was just a slight rock hop before continuing screaming and falling down the decline.
- I want to break down and cry, and I feel all this pressure and tension inside my head and my neck and shoulders, but it’s not coming out. It’s stuck. I had an upset stomach and also my nose started bleeding again, and although it’s a bit dramatic I feel like my body is falling apart all over the place. I literally just fixed my yeast infection and eye dryness. There isn’t even anyone that I can target all my pain and anger at, that I can just direct a giant “FUCK YOU’ to. It’s just luck, fate, whatever.
- Trying to be mindful of human nature and not getting too greedy with what I want. Two months ago, my main goal and source of happiness would be to just get hired for a job, any job. Now I’m tired of it and finding the work very uninspiring and feeling like I’m undervalued and just doing bullshit repetitive work. I suppose this is normal, and at least a “normal” problem to be stressed about. But then I think about what could’ve been, how far my potential could be, and how I will probably never know because I am constantly being limited by my body.