While I don’t claim to be perfect, in fact far from it, (read this post on Empathy, which makes me feel the burden of the world in addition to my own..), I refuse to lower my standards and expectations of the people I surround myself with. Ever hear the philosophy that you are judged and influenced by the people you’re friends with? That’s true. More than ever. I want you to at the very least, want to change for the better. The beauty of never being able to reach perfection is that there is always, always, room for improvement and growth. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t expect to surround myself with “perfect” people- I expect us to grow together. But what does one do when you actually feel like your own growth is stunted by others? And if one is too “forgiving” or too accepting of the status quo, too content, too stagnant, how does anyone know how much more potential they can reach? I’m dissatisfied because others are too complacent with themselves.
Then comes the frustration, but also the acceptance that we can’t force people to change if they don’t want to, as I am constantly reminded this past year.
I feel a bit like a failure, because regarding myself, I’m not sure I added much happiness or growth to anyone else’s life that I met this year – did I make a difference, a positive impact in their lives? I don’t know, but I hope so. Sometimes, we don’t always get to see the fruits of our labor and the ripple effect of the ripple we dropped in the water.
But at the end of the day, I’m burnt out, I gave it my all, and I have no regrets. It started out good, but now I don’t know what the point of my presence is here anymore… It’s time to let go and break up. At least for the time being.
I’ll be alone. But I’ve felt alone for awhile now anyway.