Shower Post #3
Do you ever react to a situation differently depending on your mood? I think we all do. A part of it may be an innate, so deeply ingrained part of us that can’t be changed. At some point though, I wondered if I might even be bipolar. What I’ve concluded is that everyone has multiple facets to their personality. What is the real me? Does anyone know? Most people who think they know me might only have met the predominant me, or the stereotyped quiet Asian girl who has been trying to find her voice all these years, and still is.
When I was younger, I feared nothing. Throw me in the deep end of the pool- I didn’t know what drowning was, so I had full confidence I would float and make it to the top. Tell me to belt at the top of my lungs to strangers and introduce myself afterwards? Why not. Dare me to walk to the edge of a cliff and gaze down the world at my feet? Sure. Once upon a blue moon, I was fearless.
At some point, things changed. Self-doubt had me wrapped around its fingertips. I became a slave and puppet to the moods of others. The obstacles leered over me, laughing at me as I became imprisoned in their shadows. Over time, I withdrew into myself and people knew me as the shy, obedient, and tiny girl who could be easily coerced into doing their bidding, or who would stay silent to their mockery. It was hard to make friends, but I had all these feelings bottled up inside, frustration mostly. Multiple circumstances in my upbringing, household, and life molded me into someone I did not like.
If you caught me at a certain phase though, you would have met a different side of me. Maybe it was the frustration spilling over, lighting a fire to my being. Quell your voice. Humble yourself. Respect your elders and adult authorities.
Jasmine, why don’t you have any friends?
The journey I’ve made is mine, and maybe you do or don’t relate to it, but damn I’ve traveled a long way to where I am now. The challenges are not over, and yet I can resoundingly say I am proud of myself to still be here, existing. I am a survivor. It is vital to first survive and overcome your demons, so that you can really live. Maybe most of the time, it’s a struggle just to exist, to be. But if there is a silver lining to all the pain and suffering you feel, it is that it will make the beautiful moments that much more beautiful. After some self-reflection, I divided myself into Five Identities (more in the future on the ID, Ego, and SuperEgo via Freud)
- The Obvious Identity- Passive, Submissive, Quiet, Hardworking – who most people think is me… only recognizing the side of me who tends to be a pushover, likes classical music, smiles too much
- The Fierce Vibrant ID- who likes orange hair, the sensual human body, admires bold and free-spirited women, colors, has a temper, has no time for BS, all kinds of music (yes, I like hip hop music sometimes, depends on the specific song, why is that so surprising… all genres can be incredible, including that genre)
- The Dreamy Artsy ID- aspires to mix all kinds of art, loves photography, music
- The Hateful, Depressed, Sick ID- consumed with negative thoughts, some worse than others. The devil voice that whispers and tells you to give up, what’s the point. Always tired and uncomfortable, grouchy, withdrawn, pessimistic, blames the world and everyone else (1/2)
- The Overcheerful, Optimistic, Bubbly ID – super happy and excited all the time, wants joy to be spread to all corners of the earth, wants to save the world. (2/2)